Torture for Dummies

When you have to admit to the whole world that you tortured prisoners, your country looks not only shameful but also uncreative.

Did we really have to waterboard those guys or start with the caterpillars, seeing as a brainstorming session could have come up with some equally effective measures? Measures that would get the guys blabbing and blindside The Hague?

Not that I believe in torture. But there's really nothing simpler than keeping a person awake for 11 days straight. These techniques always work for me:

—Just as your prisoner is drifting off, casually ask, "Did you ever send those thank you notes you were planning to send?"

—If sleep starts to overtake the guilt after a day or two, kick it up a notch: "All Grandma ever wanted was to know you liked the sweater." Pause. "And now she's dead."

—Thank you note regret not producing the requisite wakefulness? Try: "At least you wrote that sympathy card when your friend's dad died, right? You did, didn't you?"

—Another way to keep people from sleeping that is "legal" and "aboveboard" is to project the phrase "to-do list" over their beds. Tap them on the shoulder, and have them look up.

—Or try saying something more specific: "Tomorrow you have to either figure out how to fix your computer or call the help desk."

—Blindingly effective: "Did you send that thing to your editor?"

—Equally good: "Remember that baseball card collection from when you were a kid? Could be worth a fortune! Where is it?"

—"Your mother threw it out."

—Or try this: "Wasn't today your anniversary?"

—You might want to physically point to a little bump or pimple or skin discoloration and ask, "That's not cancer, is it?"

—Under your breath, you could add sympathetically, "How long since you've had a checkup?"

—Pick up a copy of the local paper's real estate section as if you were just going to read while your prisoner falls asleep.

—On Day Seven or Day Eight, add, "Of course, it was pretty obvious houses were overpriced."

—Sigh: "If you don't hurry up and get some sleep, you're going to be really tired tomorrow morning."

—Then: "Wasn't your credit card payment due today?"

—"Isn't there some big penalty if it's late?"

—On Day 10, just as the neck is starting to droop, you might query, "Did you lock the door?" (I know. It's a prison. But they're not thinking totally clearly at this point.)

—"What's that noise?"

—"I read that if a person doesn't get enough sleep, he's more likely to have a heart attack."

—"Did that guy ever pay you back?" (Trust me; there is always a guy.)

—"You didn't throw out your lottery ticket, did you?"

—The night of Day 11: "Why did your girlfriend break up with you?"

—"Good night! Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite — for real."

—Afternoon, Day 12: "Quit worrying about your ex and get some sleep."

—Later: "She probably just found someone she really loves."

—"At least, in the sack."

Lenore Skenazy is a columnist at Advertising Age. She is the founder of FreeRangeKids.com and the author of the upcoming book "Free-Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts with Worry." To find out more about Lenore Skenazy (lskenazy@yahoo.com) and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2009 CREATORS SYNDICATE INC.