Q. My son is 16. His stepfather raised him since he was 3, but now they're clashing. He cussed my husband out. I don't know what to do. My son puts me in the middle, and now he isn't talking to me, either. He does great in school and is on the honor roll. I don't know how to get him to open up to me. I thought maybe I shelter him too much because I don't let him go out with his friends unless I know whom he's with. I told him that I love him too much to let him run wild. I don't know what to do.

A. The son you love so much needs united parents, or he indeed will become disrespectful to both of you. It's possible that you shelter him too much, but teens still should be expected to let parents know where they are and when they'll be home. When you can trust your son to keep you informed, he should be allowed a little more freedom and responsibility every year.

It's reassuring that your son continues to be an excellent student because sudden drops in grades are typically warning signs that something dramatic has changed. However, it's also possible that sudden rebellion toward both his parents is a symptom of something else that's troublesome. It could be related to joining a rebellious peer group, losing a close friend, coping with school pressures, thinking about college, or even not making a team or winning an award. Let's hope he's not involved with drugs or alcohol, but consider that possibility, as well. Your son may not understand why he suddenly has changed.

If you can get him to talk to you or your husband about his worries or concerns, you may be able to help him. However, if he tries to manipulate you against your husband, don't take his side. Instead, encourage him to talk things through with his stepfather, and assure him he's loved by both of you. Remind him that a stepfather who's been there since his babyhood is very much a real father.

The teen years are often challenging. If you're not able to get to the bottom of this sudden change in your son, definitely encourage him to go for counseling. He may be able to tell a counselor about underlying pressures, and the counselor then could also help you and your husband through parenting him at this sensitive time.

For a free newsletter about growing up too fast, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094, or go to www.sylviarimm.com for more parenting information.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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