Q. My 16-year-old granddaughter was raised by my son for most of her life. Her mother was around, but I think my granddaughter felt abandoned at times. She's a beautiful, smart girl who was given huge amounts of attention when her mother left, and she's always been a bit of a drama queen. Her father was transferred to another state for work, so she decided to live with her mother because she didn't want to leave her friends and school. During the first year, she went boy crazy and had sex. Now, into the second year, she dropped the bombshell that she's gay! Her parents and I are floored. Do you think it could be another way to get attention? At what age do people realize they may be gay? Is it a phase? (I don't remember going through that one!) At one point she was cutting herself. I think she's a confused young woman who needs counseling. A. Your granddaughter may be feeling rejected because she received too much attention or because she believes she didn't have enough attention. She may be homosexual, bisexual, heterosexual, or just "too" sexual, and she certainly must be confused and unhappy. You should surely encourage her to get professional counseling because grandmas can't substitute for that. However, it would also be important for you to be there for her as a grandma. Perhaps you can take her shopping, out to eat, to the theater, or just for a "walk and talk." Listen to what she has to say about her life. Don't let her trap you into blaming her mother or father for her problems. Instead, try to hear what her strengths and interests are so you can encourage her to do something of value or to help others by using her strengths. While grandmothers can't serve as counselors, they can often be the loving listeners that confused teenagers find they can talk to. Just knowing that you love her and want to be supportive can help her with the loneliness that she is surely experiencing.

For a free newsletter about the changing family, send a large, self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or go to www.sylviarimm.com for more parenting information.

Grandson Needs Readiness For Preschool

Q. Our 3-year-old grandson throws toys. He plays and "picks" up by throwing things. How can I "suggest" to his parents that this is a problem that needs to be rectified? I do try to work this out with him when I see him, but it's not frequent enough to make an impression.

A. Sometimes children learn to throw toys from parents making a game of putting their toys away, so it can be difficult to motivate them to put them away more gently. You may want to suggest to the parent, (the one that is your child), that since your grandson will soon be attending preschool, he might want to prepare for that by placing toys away more carefully. There's usually a song that accompanies picking up toys, something like "It's time to put the toys away." You may make up your own. If it feels uncomfortable for you to sing that to the parents, I suggest just not worrying about the issue. Once he's in preschool, he'll probably learn quickly that throwing toys is not acceptable, and he'll conform to other children in performing this common chore.

For a free newsletter about raising preschoolers, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or read "Raising Preschoolers" at www.sylviarimm.com.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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