Q. Our 5-year-old daughter is very advanced verbally and does well in school, but her teacher is concerned about her perfectionism and lack of confidence, both in trying new things and playing with other children.

Our daughter is highly verbal and as an only child has lots of imaginary friends of whom she's in charge. She gravitates toward children she can control and gets frustrated when other children don't do what she wants.

My husband, who's an artist, has always been plagued with perfectionism, and her teacher recommended we make it very clear to her that it's ok to make mistakes. The teacher also recommended lots of unstructured playdates with other children, but our daughter's extremely fearful of going to anyone's home for a playdate unless her father or I stay with her.

Another factor is my mother spoils her by giving her too much control over whatever they're doing. After spending time with her, my daughter comes home and is extremely rude to us, whining and crying when she doesn't get what she wants. I'm worried about this because my daughter's social abilities are so similar to my mother's, and my mother hasn't been a socially happy person.

I know that my daughter's sullenness, perfectionism, timidness and need for control of others stem from insecurity. I don't want to cut her off from my mom, but how can I mitigate the effects of my mother's spoiling? With regard to playdates, should I force her to be dropped off, or gradually wean her of dependence on me by leaving and returning for short times? How often should I schedule playdates?

A. You can gradually teach your daughter social skills as well as how to deal with perfectionism. While it's true your daughter can learn dysfunction from Grandmom, Dad, and even Mom, everyone can also teach her to do better. For example, when she visits her grandmother and gets all her choices there, you can explain that you think she's fortunate to have a grandmother who loves her so much and gives her special privileges.

In that way, she understands it's all right to have the treats with her grandmother; although at home, parents who are with children every day have to teach more discipline and responsibility. Try not to "bad mouth" her grandmother, or you'll find she will learn to be as disrespectful to you as you appear to be toward your mother. I'm not saying you're being disrespectful to your mother, but if it appears that way to your daughter, she'll learn the same style.

As to your husband's perfectionism, if he handles mistakes better in front of her, and you both cope with your own mistakes by joking about them and not being too hard on yourselves, your daughter will pick up on that style and be a little easier on herself. Humor really helps with perfectionism.

Finally, social skills are very important and need work. Start with having a friend visit your daughter. After that, explain that it's only polite for her to return a visit to her friend. You can stay a little while the first time, leave for an hour or so, and then come back. The next time can be a little longer. By the third time, your daughter will probably not want to leave.

You'll find my book "See Jane Win" (Crown Publishing, 1999) very helpful for raising your daughter. It's based on the childhoods of successful women and provides practical guidelines for parenting daughters. If these don't help your daughter sufficiently or her problems get worse, I suggest an evaluation by a psychologist.

For free newsletters about "See Jane Win," "How Jane Won," or developing social skills, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or go to www.seejanewin.com for more information.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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