DEAR SUSAN: My live-in companion of three years has been married for 12 years and separated for several. They have no children. He tells me that he's going to get a formal divorce this summer. Because things have gotten more serious between us, this has bothered me more and more. I know it's his personal matter, but I'm worried he may procrastinate. Should I wait patiently or express my needs? — Sandi K., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR SANDI: Color me incredulous. You've lived with this man for years, and you're not sure he can hear what you have to say about his divorce plans? No, it isn't his issue alone; from where I sit, divorce is an equal opportunity decision. It affects both of you! You as much as him. Get it? As for things getting more serious in your relationship, color me doubly incredulous. Short of hiding another husband in the barn, just how much more serious can things get in this relationship? I hate to pry (!), but wasn't this a test marriage when you first decided to live together? Or did it seem like the thing to do at the moment, sort of the lark of the day? I just don't get it. But I sincerely hope you do; it's your life, and there are no reruns. Color me off the case.

IDENTITY THEFT. They say one of these occurs every 15 seconds (or so), and you need to be forewarned about suspicious e-mails asking for your information. That's one sort of theft. But the one more worrisome to me is the meltdown that so often comes with the big L. Love, that is. Believe it or not, there are still women (plenty of them, young and not-so-young) who surrender their personhood to their love object, bowing to the myth that says a woman shows her love by becoming his clone.

Subverting her own identity is true love, she mistakenly believes. In her quest to become one with Mr. Wonderful, she then proceeds to give up whatever it was that first attracted him (deepest of sighs). Their relationship becomes an emotional meltdown, as she oozes onto him like melted cheese. She is no longer a separate and distinct partner, but in a drastic misunderstanding of love, she surrenders her individuality to him. That's my idea of a life-changing Identity Theft, to be avoided at all costs. Amen.

DEAR SUSAN: I can't wait for singlefile.net. I've been reading your column for a long time and love it. Thank you for your dedication to all of us who love you. — Angie C., Tucson, Ariz.

DEAR ANGIE: With readers like you, who needs friends? Your warm wishes speak to me in every word of your letter. Letters such as yours keep me dedicated. Your appreciation is my fuel. Because my site has been delayed, please continue sending e-mail to: info@creators.com.

SINGLE FILE TIP. The mind being our largest sex organ, our thoughts affect our intimate moments. Not just a little, but more than we imagine. What we say and do in our vertical life with our partner has a tremendous effect in the bedroom. In a respectful relationship, that quality of esteem is expressed through our lovemaking. Be conscious of that continuum. Don't get sloppy because you're familiar with this person whom you've chosen to love. Be careful, be respectful, be aware of your Other's feelings.

When your love partnership is founded on that solid base, your love life will be filled with Bed Gratitude. May it be so.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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