DEAR SUSAN: In the past few years, every woman I've met is a smoker. I don't smoke, and I always told myself not to accept anyone who can give me less than I can give her. Should I compromise with myself? I've tried dating women who smoke and constantly find myself annoyed; for me, the habit ruins a relationship. Any thoughts? — Ross C., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR ROSS: Like any habit, it's a matter of degree. If smoking takes over a life to the point of addiction, the situation is way past annoyance. And because smoking is verboten in your value system, it would most certainly wreck any relationship you enter. As for me, I've lived through an experience whose bad ending was directly attributable to cigarettes, so I can understand your aversion. Some years ago, a chain smoker married a close member of my family. Pretty soon, we realized the dominant influence in her life wasn't her mate or her family. She lived for the next cigarette. Everywhere she walked, the smell of nicotine followed. It was in her hair, under her nails, on her lips. My reading of the situation was that she used nicotine defensively, to fend off her husband — and probably the world at large. Sad to say, the marriage ended quickly and badly. Enough said.

Thinking the way you do, Ross, it would be sheer lunacy to consider a smoker as a partner; there are enough issues that can weaken a relationship. So your next personal ad must specify "nonsmoker!" But who wants to sit around and wait for a response? Lucky for you, the world is moving in your direction; more and more groups are turning green and advocating healthy lifestyles (which never includes smoking). We're finally understanding the link between humans and our environment, and the same people who advocate for Mother Earth are the people you'll most likely feel comfortable with. They share your distaste for smoking — and a whole lot more. In those groups, you'll be able to choose from different age groups. And there won't be an ashtray in the room.

NEW "DEAR JOHN" LETTER. New technology is on the scene, already operating, that delivers a voice message directly to someone else's voice mail. This means someone can break off a relationship without having to confront the other person. The technology, called Slydial, allows callers to dial a mobile phone but avoid an unwanted conversation. The incoming call isn't detected by the recipient, who simply receives a blinking light or "ping" that shows a voice message has been received.

Whew. Lets us off the hook, so to speak.

DEAR SUSAN: Why on earth would a guy refuse a gal? Disinterest in her? Or her making the first move? Guys have to live with not knowing, so I guess gals do too. Which brings me to a subject dear to my heart: romantic love. It can be manipulative, controlling and confining. Most Bible references to love describe it as DOING something. If you FEEL love, it's because someone is DOING love. What one feels initially is desire. Desire leads to the DOING. Two people DOING for each other creates synergy, wherein one plus one equals three, and a bond forms. Or not. Try again. Or not. — Bub (again) from California

DEAR BUB: You send the most interesting letters — and you think the most unusual thoughts. I enjoy every one, sometimes laughing. Or not. But you do try again and again to make sense of this mad world — for which you have my undying sympathy. And empathy. Oh — by the way, love in my universe is ACTION. Words don't do it. Hopes and dreams don't, either. Only the depth of feeling that puts lovers into action/motion (what you call DOING) does it for me. You can keep your flowers and flourishes, kissed hands and waists that bow. Give me the plain-spoken suitor with the honest face and warm heart. A friend who's there for me when I need him. Constant and loyal. True and dependable. Ready to spring into action to DO for me. He gets it! And he gets my undying love.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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