DEAR SUSAN: I've lived with a man for nearly three years. He won't marry me, and he won't let me make my own decisions about my life. I don't want to date other people, but I feel the other facets of my life need to be "single." — Louisa K., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR LOUISA: Pray tell me, fair damsel, what parts of your life AREN'T single?! You're on your own as far as the world can see, sharing a bed (but not a name) with someone who doesn't think you're wife material. Tell me, Miss Victim, how can you face yourself in the mirror? What do you tell your reflection about your status? How do you justify his editing your personal life? It's a good thing it's making you itchy; one day soon, you might even do something about it. Like, maybe, speak up. Or better still, walk out the front door with bags packed. Wow. What a day that would be. You'd be a liberated woman for sure. But maybe playing Victim is your secret role. It could be that an overbearing, possessive Other is what you crave. Well, you've got it. But he's taken over your life like a dictator. You wrote to me, yes, but that's only step one. As it stands, Victim damsel, this relationship gives you the worst parts of singleness plus the worst parts of togetherness — and the worst parts of partnership. Except for the crumbs of his affection, you're living as an appendage. If you feel a loud NO rumbling in your soul, consider sharing your letter and my response with him. If that doesn't start a reform movement in your home, it's time for that walk through the front door.

DEAR SUSAN: I was raised in upstate New York but joined the Air Force at 18 and was stationed in England. I felt so at home here that when I met my husband, it seemed natural to stay in Britain. About the only part of America I missed were advice columns. But when we got on the Internet, I discovered your advice column. I've been reading "Single File" for nearly five years. Sometimes you sound a bit corny, but I like the idea that even as part of a couple we are individuals responsible for ourselves. I appreciate all the help you give to thousands of men and women. Keep up the good work! — Pat J., Great Britain

DEAR PAT: Globally, singleness is the tie that binds — connecting all of us. "Single File" reaches way beyond marital status, to the very core of our individuality. (You can't get more universal than that!) And you, oh wise one, saw the message — clear as day — that coupled or not, that essence needs to be honored, nurtured and given voice. That message is winging its way across oceans, as it should. Happy to hear it's taken root in Great Britain.

NOTES ON MY BOOK: Every word in "Single File" (yes, it's also a book) is the distillation of my research and personal experience. These are thoughts that have been forming and reforming in my mind for years, refined by time. Of course, my vision of singleness may not be yours. More likely, only a portion of it will find its way into your life.

You will find no force-feeding here, no dogma. This book is merely a menu of the actions you can take to make your life full and rich and smooth-flowing. There's no one right way for you to live; the "norm" is what happens to work for you. The goal here is to bring you closer to YOUR peace of mind.

This is a book about power: your personal power and where it can take you when you give the go-ahead. To do that, you need to accept your singleness as fact and make it your friend. That may be a radical approach, but it makes great good sense. Embracing your current reality — planning it, expanding it, making the most of its possibilities — is merely the next logical step in your friendship with the present.

To be continued …

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2008 CREATORS SYNDICATE INC.