DEAR SUSAN: One comment regarding the very bitter man who wrote about your supposed male-bashing. I think it's funny he assumes that MOST women want a breadwinner. Yes, there are women out there looking for that security, but most of my friends want to be just as independent and self-supporting in their relationships as the man. As for me, I look for companionship and love — certainly not for someone to "finally" pay the bills. — Jamie J., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR JAMIE: Sigh (a contented one). What a relief to know that women finally learned that real security — the only kind that matters — isn't having one's rent paid, it's owning the apartment building! If ever there were a generational divide, it's got to be the hot-button issue of security. Mom saw it as leaning on a man, but her daughters (and ours) are making huge strides in the opposite direction, toward undependence. We've worked hard to include achievement and personal fulfillment in our expectations of ourselves. Let's hear it for Steinem and Friedan (ringing bravos). And from them are emerging new dynamics between the sexes, healthy stand-alone relating that over time will lead to stronger bonds between lovers. All we need to know about easy relating can be seen in the relationships of today's 20-somethings. They have come of age with careers as part of their personhood — not as a stopgap until marriage, but as ongoing (and important) part of their life plan. They, like you, Jamie, see their work as central to the independence they deem so important to healthy relating. (As for the bitter man who totally misunderstood my words about good men, he's also in the dark about women's need for financial independence. That must account for some of his downbeat attitude toward them.) But you, Jamie, have caught the wave of financial change and are living its wisdom; the man who wins your heart will know he's not a savior.

He will be needed for himself, not his bankbook. That's men's liberation.

DEAR SUSAN: I've lived with my boyfriend for a year to test for marriage compatibility. But when I moved in, I didn't know it meant living with his mom for two-month spells several times a year. She took control of my home and convinced him that I'm not marriage material because I don't keep house well enough.

People should avoid arrangements that include "mommy." — Kendra H., Tucson, Ariz.

DEAR KENDRA: I weep for you. I sneer at your roommate and his need for mommy dearest to hold sway over his/her household that doesn't quite measure up to her (their?) standards. What's going on that you stay around for this water torture? It is undermining everything you hold dear. (I bet sex isn't what it once was, now that dear mom has given her assessment of the woman her son chose to share his home. Did she wave cards with numbers to show her ratings of his domestic goddess?) You're in a bind, dear Kendra, but thank heavens you won't be needing legal eagles to get out. All it takes is gumption, but not before a heart-to-heart with your "boyfriend." Accent on BOY — definitely not a friend. The time to act is now, but not before you make yourself proud by standing up and speaking out. Arrange for a temporary home base — hopefully with your parents — and pack your suitcases for a not-so-temporary move. Then and only then, with one foot out the door, ask the hard questions. Where has he been all these months? Hasn't he noticed your unhappiness? Is it to be Mom or you? This can lead to a long and soulful dialogue, one you ought to have begun after her first unexpected visit, so don't phone for transportation until it's over. Whatever the ending, you both need space apart. So continue with your move. Sometimes men need to stew awhile, so change your domicile and get on with your life. And next time, ask more questions when someone wants to share your future.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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