DEAR SUSAN: I've been seeing a man for eight years. He's married, but not happily. I know that's true because I know them both. (I sometimes think I've been his counselor.) I really care for him and I'm sure he cares for me, but he feels so responsible for his wife that he lets her control him by being ill most of the time. I wish I could make him see what's going on. — Marguerite M., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR MARGUERITE: And I wish I could make YOU see what's going on! Here you are, legally unattached but tethered to a sick triangle. When this man (the one you've cared for) tries to move on, his wife buries him in guilt and takes to her bed. Her husband (whom you've coddled for eight years) is too guilt-ridden to love you properly or develop a healthy relationship in the world beyond her boudoir. She's bedridden, he's guilt-ridden; a fine way to spend eight years of your life, no? Each time she takes to bed, he runs to you. Old dependable you wipe away his tears and make things right. (I can only imagine the dynamics of the sex between you two.) It's an unwholesome game of dominoes that's been going on for eight years. My question: What do you get out of it — besides a momentary power surge? Not love, surely — and not respect. How could he respect the bystander in this manipulative melodrama — you — who dries his tears but asks nothing for herself? How can you respect someone who is at the mercy of a mate no longer loved? And the big question: How can you respect yourself for going along with the status quo for nearly a decade? By this point, you should be scrounging for answers. I rest my case.

SURVEY QUESTIONS: A while ago, I took on the task of surveying the single world on its sexuality and relationships. Questionnaires were four pages for basic queries plus the choice of lifestyle forms representing different situations within the single community (single parent, never married, etc.). From our mailing of 6,000 questionnaires, we received 1,900 completed forms … a super return for such intimate issues. Results have been codified, but the book planned around the survey didn't happen. That's a long story, so let's get on with sample questions from the survey. (Published or not, they are certain to stir your thoughts — and perhaps a comment.)

— What do you miss about being married?

— Do your children resent your dating? How do you handle it?

— If you were to marry, do you think your sex life (in terms of frequency and satisfaction) would change?

— How do you intend to structure future love relationships? Does that include a marriage contract or another kind of contract?

— Do you think it's possible to grow as a person within marriage? Why or why not?

— Do you feel that the way you conduct your sex life and the way you're rearing your children are consistent with one another?

— How did your first few "single-again" sexual experiences compare with your honeymoon? How did you feel about having sex with someone other than your former spouse? As an unmarried person?

— Have your sexual responses changed now that you are single? If so, how?

— Ideally, which would you prefer: one love for a lifetime or one at each stage of your emotional growth? Comments?

— Would you rather go without sex than be part of casual, non-caring sexual activity? Why or why not?

— What do you consider to be the positive aspects of your singleness? Negative aspects?

— Were you well-prepared to handle your sex life as a single person? Comments?

— Have you become more imaginative in your lovemaking, more assertive and more willing to try new things?

— Have your sexual relationships changed since your youth? If so, in what ways?

— Do you expect to have sex on the first date? Do you think the other gender expects it?

— Do you plan to (re)marry, or do you simply want a companion? Does your need for security affect this choice?

— Have you cohabited on a long-term basis without marriage? Was the arrangement a test for marriage compatibility? Did you bring children into the arrangement? Do you envision a series of such arrangements, or do you intend to (re)marry?

DEAR READERS: I hope you had fun answering these questions and thinking about the issues that sparked them. One of the major findings was that the Swinging Single is pure fiction. The swinging/swapping is among the married, driven by the sense of being owned by the partner and the routine sameness of their sex lives. Food for thought? I hope you chew on these questions for a while, bouncing the issues around with good friends. There just might be a surprise in store. Your input is always welcome. E-mail or snail mail, signed or anonymous, your letters are the strength of this column. (A deep bow of gratitude.)

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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