DEAR SUSAN: I'm 43 and have never been married. At a night class I'm attending, there's a girl who decided to sit next to me. She says she has a boyfriend. I'm trying to find out (from her) whether she's interested in going out with me, but I don't know how. Also, I was recently approached by a girl who wants to date me but is living with a man under her mother's roof. — Glenn S., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR GLENN: Yup. It's a mad, mad world out there in Datingland, and you seem to be a magnet for its wackiest inhabitants. It's easy to see why: You're playing passive politics, letting yourself be chosen by whomever and whatever comes your way. What a sad state of affairs that is! Here you are, unmarried and (ostensibly) eligible, with nothing to keep you from selecting the woman of your choice — except your self-imposed boundaries. The greatest plus in single life is free choice — and you're not taking advantage of it! But you're getting restless with things as they are, and that's a really hopeful sign of good things to come. Get thee to a friendly and knowledgeable counselor, Glenn, and open up in that room of truth. The flaky women you're meeting are the symptom — not the root cause — of your dating difficulties. Which is? Your fear of taking the active role and reaching for what you want. Surely you know that only the brave deserve the fair. The time has come for bold moves, Glenn. Promise yourself some short-term therapy while making conscious efforts at first moves. You could start with your neighbor in night class, an ideal candidate for your new campaign.

Ask her to go for coffee after class, and tell your pounding heart that even a refusal is a win for you.

DEAR SUSAN: "Childless and unmarried individuals are doing immense amounts of family work, with one in four American workers spending seven hours or more each week caring for an aging parent. In fact, researchers Naomi Gerstel (University of Massachusetts) and Natalia Sarkisian (Boston College) find that childless single individuals give more time and practical support to parents, kin and friends than married couples. Hmm. …"

Hmm what? Hmm … you enjoy stoking the fires of the argument that singles are more selfish than marrieds? Or that marrieds are more selfish than singles? As a working wife and mother of three children, if I had the energy to argue with you, I would. But I don't have the time, and frankly, I'm too tired.

I usually enjoy reading your columns, but honestly, I take offense at your subtle jab today. — Houston Fan

DEAR HOUSTON FAN: That subtle jab was a non-jab, dear Reader. It was completely agenda-free, 100 percent news item through and through. It was taken from a newsletter from the Alternatives to Marriage Project, and because it seemed interesting enough for my readership, it made its way into newsprint. But your misunderstanding merits even more of it. In fact, it's Job No. 1 in this column! To keep the bond between us strong and tensile, we need clear channels — meaning maximum understanding on both our parts. Hidden agendas have no place here. But I'm proud and pleased that you took time out of your full life to register a complaint. You've added much to our forum. Thanks.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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