DEAR SUSAN: I've been dating the same man for 11 years. We've talked about marriage, but he always seems to find excuses why we can't. I've tried to leave him several times, but after trying to meet others, I go back. (For the record, I'm 35 and have a good job.) How come all my friends find mates — some even twice? Is it possible some people just aren't destined to marry? — Katie K., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR KATIE: Destiny can be changed. It isn't some immutable force dictating your fate from day one. Not at all. You're the one who can make alterations as you evolve and grow. Like so much of life, it is for the most part the result of choices and decisions. In your case, dear Katie, you're opting to stay with a man who can give you no more than empty excuses for not taking the relationship to its romantic conclusion. For Pete's sake, don't blame destiny for your choice.

Now that we're clear on that, let's cut to the chase — which is facing up to your role in this farce. I know, it's not pleasant to admit that maybe (just maybe) you also don't want marriage. But if we're digging into things here, let's stay with the effort and dredge up the possibilities. You're in conflict, my girl; the other side of this internal tug of war is pulling you toward marriage and its possibilities. But you'll never know your true destiny if you stay mired in things as they are! If you choose to know more about yourself and what your life can be, this is the perfect time to start the adventure. If marriage isn't in the cards for you — a distinct possibility — you should know that (and more, much more). And destiny? Well, it'll have to rely on your good choices. You're holding the cards.

DEAR READERS: One in five adults in America has genital herpes. And while it can't be cured, it can be managed. But it's important to know that the virus can be transmitted without an outbreak present. (This finding should push you toward the phone to arrange a talk with your physician.) There are many support groups on the Web that offer information and nonjudgmental sharing. And remember — your physician is the best source of the latest findings.

CHOOSING WISELY. Happily married people tend to have lower blood pressure than their unmarried peers, but being single may be healthier than being unhappily married, a new study suggests. That study, published in March by the Annals of Behavioral Medicine, had participants wear a blood pressure monitor for 24 hours while performing normal activities. The groups had little difference in waking blood pressure, but marrieds had significantly larger dips in blood pressure while sleeping. (People whose pressure doesn't dip during sleep are at higher risk for cardiovascular disease, according to the lead author of the study at Brigham Young University.)

On average, the unhappily married had higher daytime and 24-hour blood pressure readings than single people. Having a wide social network had no effect on the trends for either married or single people. But marital satisfaction was significantly associated with satisfaction with life, lower stress, less depression and lower waking blood pressure.

"Just being married per se isn't helpful," said author Dr. Julianne Holt-Lunstad, "because you can potentially be worse off in an unhappy marriage. So choose wisely."

And so it goes. The wisdom of the body knows all, and isn't too shy to speak its piece. The trouble comes when intellect jams the circuits and prevents that wisdom from having its say. The final arbiters are the flesh and the organs. Not to be denied.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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