I admit it. Sometimes men have me stumped. Here's what has me so totally befuddled: Do men feel the same as women about sex? More explicitly, do they think the same as women when it comes to sharing their bodies?

That puzzling question first occurred to me a few years back, during a heated discussion with a man I was seeing. The topic was Jackie Kennedy — more specifically, her shopping and over-the-top expenditures. I was swooning over her image (oversize sunglasses, white pants and black tee — on the isle of Capri, no less) and armloads of purchases. My side of the conversation was all about her seemingly effortless chic.

"She couldn't have my body," he blurted out. At that moment, a split nanosecond of bright insight, it occurred to me that men, too, can be discriminating about their sex partners, that they are not the rutting satyrs we're made to believe they are. Somewhere along the line, we women are fed the myth that males will fornicate with any willing female — that it's only our gender that takes pains to choose a sincere bed partner. Men? They'll couple with anyone, anywhere, anytime. Said with a dirty laugh, a condescending mini-sneer. That fiction is passed down from mother to daughter, from generation to generation almost reflexively, aimed at protecting nubile females from insincere males whose sole aim is to buzz the flowers. Nothing more and nothing less. And from that starting point, women are led to the posture of giving in as gifting.

I admit it.

I was fed the lie, and I bought it hook, line and you-know-what. It was duly entered into my lockbox of dating rules and left to germinate in the dark — an apt setting for coupling. Oh, but now it's been removed and looked at more closely. This generation of dating duos doesn't see chastity as gift; it's not at all the same with them. (It may not be wiser. It may not promote authenticity between the sexes as promised. But at least it's gotten rid of the stale thinking that splits lovemaking into donor and recipient!) "She can't have my body" is part of the post-feminism male dialogue. And I for one applaud loudly. It's about time we stopped thinking of sex as a present we give to our man.

For the record, dear sister, how does this shift play in your life? Do you realize that you consider your part in sexual union as giving in? Gifting your man? How does he feel about your sexual attitude? Do you ever discuss it with him? Do you think it would bring the two of you closer? Or would you feel embarrassed to raise the issue? Do you think he'd appreciate your openness? Would it be too bold for you to get it out in the open between the two of you? Might it make your love life better?

Time was when a woman was considered a hussy if she actually enjoyed sex with her man. Those days are over — or are they? Could it be that a small germ of that mentality is still with us, hiding in the lockbox of our minds? Think about it.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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