Dear John: I have two questions:

First: Why does a man stay in a bad marriage and, therefore, live in agony?

Next: Do we all have only one soul mate? — Anxiously Awaiting Your Answers, in Tacoma, Wash.

Dear Anxiously: Regarding your first question: There are many reasons why men and women stay in relationships that don't work. One is that they feel this is a better alternative than admitting to a personal failure. Another reason is that they would take unhappiness over a life of loneliness. Still others stay "because of the kids."

In regard to your second question, know that each of us has many possible soul mates. Our chance of finding one or several is predicated on our ability to keep both our hearts and eyes wide open.

Know that the subject of your first question cannot keep you from attaining the object of your second question. That ability lies in your hands only. Good luck.

Dear John: My boyfriend "Arnold" has good qualities about him. He is also a take-charge person, which I like very much — to an extent. Quite frankly, his problem is that he is very, very controlling. I cannot even get up in the middle of the night for a small snack or to go to the bathroom, without him wondering where I'm going, and when I'll be back. At this very moment, he is standing behind me while I am typing this letter and saying, "Maybe you'd like to start a relationship with that Mars Venus guy."

I have never been unfaithful to him, or ever given any reason for this mistrust. I am a person of great integrity (this provides me with inner strength). He has been physically abusive to me twice when he feels that I may be moving out, after his burst of anger in which he tells me to leave. I am enrolling in Tae Kwon Do, in case I should find myself in this situation again, I will be able to defend myself. Other than leaving this relationship, which I do not want to do, how can this situation be improved upon? What can I do to try to assist my boyfriend and ourselves in developing and maintaining a more relaxed, trusting, and loving environment? — Joined at the Hip, in Bakersfield, Calif.

Dear Joined at the Hip: Whoa, back up! If you are not yet aware of it, please know that Korean karate is not a healthy communication tool!

I do not recommend that you stay in this abusive relationship. There is no justifiable excuse for his violence, and your boyfriend sounds incapable of recognizing responsibility for his temper and subsequent actions. His violence will occur again and again.

Usually women with self-esteem issues are apt to downplay or deny this kind of abuse. No one — not even you — deserves a relationship that puts her in harm's way. Please, open your eyes to this dangerous situation, and, as discreetly as possible, seek counseling immediately. There are many counselors who specialize in domestic violence and shelters in every state that provide anonymous protection. To find the shelter nearest you, look in your yellow pages. A state-by-state directory is listed online, on the Safety Net Domestic Violence Resource website: http://home.cybergrrl.com/dv/.

With a counselor's help, you'll be able to get yourself to leave the relationship safely and God willing, quickly.