Personal Power by Susan Deitz on Creators.com

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Later Love DEAR SUSAN: My mom was in her late 50s when she found love again after divorcing my dad. She used an online dating site to find it — but this was before the site you mentioned existed. It seems a fine match, and they have been married for …Read more. A Perfect 10 DEAR SUSAN: I had to laugh at the letter from a man describing himself as a "Richard Gere" looking for a woman who is a professional, intelligent and a perfect 10. The problem might just be in his math! I've noticed that men rate …Read more. Choose Happiness DEAR SUSAN: This positive advice is for a fellow blogger, who seems to be having a hard time: It takes work to escape the comfort zone that keeps you making the same mistakes. (It's easier if you have the help of a good therapist, but people have …Read more. The Uninvited DEAR SUSAN: Your column on being left out of a couple's world has made me respond to an advice columnist for the first time in my life. The problem is much bigger than you seem to realize. When I was part of a couple, we did a lot of socializing. I …Read more.

Personal Power

We're on a roll, you and I, fortunate beyond measure to be living in times that give us so much control over our lives. Sophisticated technology, literally at our fingertips, is turning out to be the strongest liberator yet of our personal power. It's been a long time coming, but the spin of the wheel is pointing toward Everyman, daring/coaxing each of us to take the challenge of directing our own destiny. (Steve Jobs saw it coming, intuiting that the technology he was shaping would give the individual more control over his life.)

And in the unmarried world, where my "Single File" bond has been strengthening over the years, that message has been growing louder and more confident. Marriage is being postponed, ruled out or substituted for. Ask any single person younger than 30 and, chances are, he'll hem and haw when the inevitable question is asked. Young people are not at all sure formal matrimony is in their future — even if they plan to have a family. They want to meet a soul mate — that part of the future seems clear — but not necessarily to marry. (Cohabitation is the fastest-growing part of the single world.) From what they saw of their parents' unions, the gains didn't even come close to the asking price; gaining the state's approval meant forfeiting their individuality, mutual respect and sense of humor. Add to that a subtle loss of respect and many hours of sameness/routine and the asking price becomes way too high for many.

Love is still very much a driving force for most single people, but the individual is savvier about life and love and the choices that lie out there. The world has widened for all of us — not into a yawn, but into a cornucopia of possibilities.

This is the era of personal power. Thank you, Steve Jobs. All of the unmarried everywhere are forever in your debt.

For a while now, "Single File" has been advising the unmarried (and many marrieds!) about building personal power into wholeness aka undependence. Not insularity, mind you, but the strength to create a secure, fulfilling personhood that will stand you in good stead whatever future you choose. (I know all about it because I've lived each word of the Declaration of Undependence. Write me for your own parchment copy.) The singular purpose of the advice in "Single File" is to help make you undependent, a whole person with the flexibility and purpose to build a satisfying life that includes good people but always stays rooted in your own selfhood. The exercises in singleness offered in the column are guaranteed to build a stronger sense of self. Day by day, you'll feel more capable. You'll begin to realize that you can handle the challenges that come along, becoming less needy daily. And if you're wondering whether those qualities will deter a soul mate, think again. They are the surest magnet to attract the kind of love you are seeking.

So there you have it, wrapped and tidy, ready for you. You've arrived at "Single File," the advice column that encourages you to kick back and stretch at the same time. It's a good bet you'll get more from your own world after staying around here; you just might even color your life a bit differently. Welcome to the place that promises to be a training ground, not too rigorous but always provocative. And I promise to pass along tips, hints and thoughts that just might make you smile, chuckle, think. Come be part of the "Single File" blog (creators.com), where disrespect is definitely not welcome.

Have a question for Susan? Send it to her in care of this newspaper or online at www.creators.com.