Recently, I have become reacquainted with an old high school friend. He told me that he and his wife have not had sex for about 10 years — they have been married for 45 — and he has decided to go outside his marriage and have an affair.

If I don't want to have sex with my husband, should I tell him he is free to have sex with someone else? When is one cheating in a marriage?

We know how to offer advice, sound advice, to others that we don't take. The tough thing to do is often — maybe always — the thing most critical to the life we want.

I can think of no justification for not talking; and even if I could, justification is a flag. You can call it red or yellow ... doesn't matter, it's a flag.

My strict definition for cheating is: sharing less than all of you. A looser definition is: betraying a commitment.

We can exclude sex from commitment in marriage, but that could be unwise since sex is a byproduct of a loving, caring relationship. Unless you're willing to sign on for an unloving relationship, you probably want to include sex.

And you might be surprised at how many people have agreed — with or without verbalizing it — to bypass sex. When you don't have it, you're essentially agreeing to exclude it … and if your partner wants to have it, you're probably breaking your marriage vows (read: cheating).

Commitment is an ongoing decision. You don't commit once and for all. With or without realizing it, you continually reassess your commitment and decide whether or not you want to keep it. So does your partner.

Being honest — with yourself and your partner — about what you're feeling today is even more important to a healthy relationship than keeping a commitment you made yesterday. Honesty was likely part of the commitment.

When you share less than all of you, it's because you know — or accept — less than all of you. And that's not just cheating your partner, that's cheating yourself.

Ask yourself what seems most difficult to do in your relationship … and consider doing it. Don't wait for a convenient time; schedule it. Isn't that what you do with something that deserves top priority, something like being true to yourself?

"This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man," said Shakespeare.

If you want to know if you're cheating in your marriage, you need only ask yourself if you're cheating yourself. And, by all means, do it before you tell your husband he's free to have sex elsewhere.

Jan Denise is a columnist, author of the book "Naked Relationships," speaker and consultant based in McIntosh, Fla. Please e-mail her at jandenise@nakedrelationships.com, or visit her website at www.nakedrelationships.com. To find out more about Jan Denise, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2008 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.

??

??

??

??

2