The Other Kind of Illegal Immigrants, eh? by Will E Sanders on Creators.com

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The Other Kind of Illegal Immigrants, eh?

So do you want to know what concerns me the most about illegal immigration? No? Fine, be that way, jerk. I guess I'll find something else to write about then.

Say, does anyone have an opinion on that breast-feeding cover Time magazine published last week? I don't see what the big deal is. This month's cover of Hustler has, like, three different sets up boobs on the cover. Nobody is complaining about that.

Well, well, well, so you do want to know what concerns me the most about illegal immigration after all. I was hoping you would come around.

Well, the answer is simple: illegal Canadian immigrants.

C'mon, don't act like they aren't out there — they are! And if you ask me, illegal Canucks are the real unspoken understatement (and hypocrisy) of the national immigration debacle, err, debate — I meant to say debate. Yet illegal Canadian immigrants go largely unnoticed when compared to their southern counterparts.

At the risk of sounding like an intolerant bigot I will make it perfectly clear. I can't stand illegal Canadian immigrants.

Take the other day for instance.

I was minding my own business at the grocery store and this couple from Quebec was behind me in line jibber-jabbering in French. That upset me something awful, let me tell you. I am highly arrogant so naturally I figured they were talking in French about me (and why I was buying such a suspiciously high volume of garlic).

I whipped around, shot them a disgusted glance and said, "Learn to speak English or go back to your own country."

Since they were French they immediately surrendered, gave into my demands and fled the store in a blur of flannel and denim, presumably back to Ontario.

Oh, the garlic. I had heard garlic keeps illegal Canadian immigrants from sneaking into your house at night, sucking your blood and turning you into an illegal Canadian immigrant, too.

I realize now that I was thinking of vampires.

What I would really like to do is join one of those militia outfits that patrol the southern border. Except I want to try and convince those disgruntled, old white guys with itchy trigger fingers to pull up their stakes and head north where the real problem is. Of course the only bad thing with that is most illegal Canadian immigrants are Anglo-Saxon, which makes them that much harder to discriminate against — unless they are speaking French or use the interjection "eh" to finish every sentence, eh.

Yes, we need soldiers posted at the northern border. It's harder walking across the street than it is entering America through Canada. Those crazy Canucks are so determined to live the American dream that they are even willing to go over Niagara Falls in crazy contraptions just for an opportunity at obtaining it.

If you ask me that's all the more reason to build a gigantic wall up there. Or maybe that's just the old-fashioned American xenophobia speaking. Either that or the garlic fumes are starting to affect my line of thinking.

But no, nobody cares about illegal Canadian immigrants. We are only worried about the Mexican ones for some reason. Honestly, tell me, when was the last time you read an article in the newspaper about illegal Canadian immigrants ice-skating over Lake Superior and stealing jobs away from honest, hard-working Yankees?

Well it happened. To the entire state of Minnesota!

Sadly, most Americans only reserve their individual ire toward illegal Mexican immigrants, who they think are taking over the country. If that's true — if they are taking over the country — I can't help but notice a little bit of awkward irony.

On one hand now we know how the Native Americans felt. On the other hand at least these immigrants aren't doing it through bogus land treaties and infected blankets that kill our children and give us syphilis.

To contact Will E Sanders email him at wille@willesanders.com. To learn more about Will E Sanders, to read past columns or to read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.