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Dealing with Bipolar Disease
Dear Annie: Our 31-year-old son is bipolar. We did not realize how severe it was until a few years ago. He is a bright, gentle and articulate college graduate who can also be mean, self-centered and highly opinionated. When he takes his medication, he is cooperative and easy to live with. The problem is he won't take his medicine consistently. He claims it makes him feel "slow."
He has seen therapists over the years but refuses to continue, claiming they find nothing wrong with him. We have no way to know whether this is true. When he finally graduated a year ago, he received a nice inheritance check from his grandmother and ran through the money in two months, spending it on pot, gambling, clothes and prostitutes. There was little left to pay his bills, so he left his wrecked car in a vacant lot and walked back to our house. We took him in on the condition that he would resume his medication. We paid his lapsed insurance, the fine for getting into the accident, and the repairs to both vehicles.
We took him back to a psychiatrist who offered to treat him at low cost. We enlisted him in a program wherein the drug company provides his medication for free for one year. After two months, he got a good job, but three months later, he was laid off. We suspect he stopped taking his medicine.
We have had therapy, too. We have come to the conclusion that, although he may become homeless, we have to give our son a deadline to move out and seek a restraining order to keep him away. Is there a better answer? — Parents at Wits' End
Dear Parents: Your son is 31 and will deal with his bipolar disease in his own way, even if that means not taking his medication. Please encourage him to tell his doctor that one of the side effects is that he feels "slow" and to ask whether the meds can be adjusted. We agree that insisting he move out is a good idea. However, unless he is stealing from you or refuses to leave the premises, we don't believe a restraining order is necessary. The National Alliance on Mental Illness offers a 12-week Family-to-Family program for those dealing with family members who are mentally ill. Please contact them at 1-800-950-NAMI (1-800-950-6264) (nami.org).
Dear Annie: I have been dealing with breast cancer for two years, and it has been quite stressful, but I always try to project a positive, upbeat persona.
I have lost a lot of weight throughout this ordeal, and it is naturally of great concern to me. Yet even people who know about my cancer treatment always bring up the fact that I have lost weight. "Boy, did you get skinny!" or "How much weight did you lose?" I find these remarks extremely upsetting.
Could you please ask your readers to be a little more sensitive about saying such things to people who are dealing with cancer? We know we have lost weight and don't need you to bring it to our attention. — Surviving
Dear Surviving: Many people don't know how to respond in situations like yours and will say inappropriate things in an attempt to be nice. Telling a woman that she's lost weight is often a compliment, and this is probably where their heads are. You don't need to respond, and we suspect some of them are mortified after the fact. But we are happy to pass the word that such comments are not appreciated.
Dear Annie: I am 57, and my girlfriend is 10 years older. We "make love," which is more than the physical act. While we enjoy the physical, it's the emotional that makes us both feel loved. Sex by itself does not make me feel loved.
Love is giving, not demanding or requiring. And that is something both men and women fail to understand. — Lucky in North Carolina
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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Comments
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27 Comments | Post Comment
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LW2- I think a simple "Yes, cancer is the best diet ever!" should shut them up.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Lucy
Sun Apr 21, 2013 12:45 AM
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Re: LW3
I take it Penthouse Forums chose not to publish your letter.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Mike
Sun Apr 21, 2013 2:34 AM
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LW1 - I think the Annies gave good advice on this one, and I also think a restraining order is a little over the top unless there's something left out of the letter (such as becoming violent with his parents or stealing from them). It's a sad situation, but there's not much that can be done with a 31-year-old man who refuses to take his meds. The suggestion that he tell his doctor that the current meds make him feel slow is a good one, but he may not be willing to do that. Contacting NAMI is a good idea.
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LW2 - Lucy had a good suggestion for stopping the weight loss comments. Many people come out with comments like those expierenced by the LW when they don't know what to say to a cancer survivor and often say rude things without realizing how hurtful they can be. People should engage their brains before putting their mouths in gear.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Kitty
Sun Apr 21, 2013 4:36 AM
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LW1--"We paid his lapsed insurance, the fine for getting into the accident, and the repairs to both vehicles..." Your son is 31 years old and you're still cleaning up his boo boos, taking him to the doctor, paying his bills, and bartering with him for petty favors. Your son's bipolar disease isn't what's ruining his life, it's the constant coptering and your refusal to let your son grow up! All of your "helping" has only produced a grown man who is incapable of living in the real world or managing his life without pissing away his money on pot, gambling and prostitutes. Hey, no problem, mommy and daddy will clean up the mess and get their little boy back on his feet. Now that you've made your bed, you find that it's no so comfortable lying in it and you want to throw your son out and then get a restraining order? You've given up so now your son will sink or swim. Let's hope he doesn't sink to six feet under. If your son by some stroke of luck does survive and figure out how to successfully run his own life then do him a favor in the future and stay out of it!
LW2--Another clod who expects the Annies to wave a wand and magically change the behavior of man. Honey, under any other circumstances you and any other person would be thrilled to have people comment on how "skinny" you are or how much weight you've lost. Admit it! However, since your weight loss is linked to your cancer ordeal, the comments are upsetting. Here's a news flash: most people are wired to say things that make people in your circumstances feel better about themselves. Since the media is so obsessed and focused on weight, their subconscious minds think commenting on yours will make you feel good about yourself in spite of your dire situation. Cut these people some slack. If you don't want people to comment on your weight, then either speak up immediately. Something along the lines of "June, I realize you mean well but the subject of my weight really upsets me; I'd rather talk about something else..." should do the trick.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Chris
Sun Apr 21, 2013 6:01 AM
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LW1 -
Your son may be ill, but he doesn't want to help himself. And the illness he suffers from doesn't excuse everything: bipolarity doen't make people mean and nasty. If he gets like that when he's missing his medication, sorry, but that's because this happens to be a side of his wonderful personality. Just like the irresponsibility and entitlement. There are plenty of people who are bipolar without being like that.
If he says the therapists found nothing wrong with him, either he consistently lied to them so that they wouldn't, or is lying to you when he's saying that or, in his highly opiniated mind, he believes that they were lying to him when they told him what was wrong with him. And by the way, when he tells you his medication "makes him feel slow", what he's really telling you is that he's addicted to his bipolar high.
There is plenty wrong with him indeed, and chances are that he doesn't only suffer form bipolarity. He's now 31 and hasn't come to terms with himself yet? He has to become a big boy one of these days, you won't be there to enable him forever. Is there a better answer to pushing him out of the nest? It appears not, as I would think you've pretty much tried everything else in the course of three decades. But, like the Annies said, a restraining order is not indicated unless he becomes a threat, but don't hesitate to use it if he does. Or is already.
I realise enabling is probably never what you had in mind.... But yes, tough love is indicated here. You're just about to learn that tough love is tough on all parties involved. Good luck.
LW2 -
"Asking the readers" is not gonna do sh!t-all, as you well ought to know. Tell them off yourself, and I wouldn't spare them if I were you. So you've lost a lot of weight. What do they think these rude comments are going to accomplish? You're deathly ill, of COURSE, you've lost a lot of weight. How self-centred and insensitive of them to rub it in your face, as if you didn't know already. Are they jealous or somethin'? Perhaps you should avoid people like that. With friends like that, you don't need enemies.
P.S.:
Annies? "Many people don't know how to respond in situations like yours and will say inappropriate things in an attempt to be nice."
At the adult age they are, they'll have had many opportunities to be told their brain is disconnected with their verbal diarrhea. Consequently, they should know better to open their big bitchy trap and STFU.
"Telling a woman that she's lost weight is often a compliment, and this is probably where their heads are."
Not if the way they blurt it out it is "Boy, did you ever get skinny!" How is THAT a compliment? Rosy-glassed much?
"we suspect some of them are mortified after the fact."
If they're mortified, then they know damn well what they said was not exactly a compliment. If they're not, trust me, they would be after I'd be finished with them.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
@Lucy
PERFECT snappy come-back! I'm storing that one in my brain hard disk for future reference - wish I had thought of it back then for my friend Jan. LOVE it!
And btw, gang, a question I've been asking myself for a long time now:
"Chances are he doesn't" or "chances are THAT he doesn't"?
Comment: #5
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sun Apr 21, 2013 6:07 AM
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Lise, either one is correct, because "that" is understood where it doesn't appear.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Sun Apr 21, 2013 7:21 AM
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Re: Maggie Lawrence
Thank you. I was wondering if one was heavy and/or redundant, while I was wondering if the other was missing something!
Comment: #7
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sun Apr 21, 2013 8:24 AM
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@Lise: Be careful with what you say on this matter. As a matter of fact, "mean and nasty" can well be a side effect of bipolar. Please bear in mind that not everyone is affected the same way or will show the same symptoms. Bipolar disorder, aside from the well-known highs and lows, also signifies a lack of control over emotions in general, and anger management is certainly a prominent issue.
My bf has a related disorder- Major Depressive Disorder, but had some bipolar symptoms before going on medication and getting therapy (before I met him). The way he described it, he was either suicidally depressed, he would roll on the floor laughing at mild jokes, and when angered, he would be ready to KILL. He did get violent with people. In his case, his brain had stopped producing serotonin, which aside from being a "happy" chemical, also levels you out. He felt everything to extremes. Thankfully he got therapy to deal with external factors in his life that were aggravating the condition, and got onto a good medication relatively quickly, which he knows he will most likely have to take for the rest of his life.
Point being, it's perfectly plausible that "mean and nasty" is a part of the illness. What I got from the letter is that he's not being forthcoming with his doctor about the effects of the medication. Bipolar in particular is tricky to medicate- you have to try several kinds of pills, in several kinds of dosages, to hit on something that works and has minimal side effects. I have another acquaintance with MD disorder, and she THOUGHT she had gotten to the best dosage she could, but she was sleeping 12hours+ a day, ballooned 150 pounds, and was slow and drowsy when awake. It was impossible for her to work. But from what I gather, it was the first med she found that leveled her out completely so she stopped having "episodes." She eventually adjusted the dosage again (with her doctor), and is now sleeping less, losing weight, and actively searching for work.
That's a lot of personal anecdotes to say that LW can't continue to bail out her adult son, but can encourage him to see his doctor about a medication adjustment if he doesn't like the way he feels on the one he has. He also needs to understand that he has a brain illness as valid as diabetes or arthritis, and it needs treatment just like any other illness. And, unfortunately, he might need to hit a lower bottom before he's truly willing to accept his illness and stick to treatment.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Jers
Sun Apr 21, 2013 8:24 AM
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Re: Chris
Honey, you're a major d'bag!!
Comment: #9
Posted by: clemma
Sun Apr 21, 2013 8:33 AM
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Re: Jers
I understand what you're saying, but this guy is in no way as extreme as what you're describing, so I doubt his brain has stopped manufacturing serotonin. While I admit that what I know about major depression or bipolarity is pretty much generalities, in the case of pure wickedness, I find it hard to believe that there is no willful purpose involved. Side-effect of the illness all you want, the man doesn't stop having cognitive abilities because of that. Surely he can SEE what a vicious bastard he turns into?
Personally, any illness that would turn me into someone hurting the people I love, I would seek help for yesterday. The man in the letters knows what stopping his medication turns him into, but apparently he prefers that to "feeling slow". That, to me, indicates a lack of caring for other people's feelings.
Your BF sought help, although his condition was way more extreme than this, which made him much less capable of rationality. The difference is likely because HE cared, and didn't like what he became. This one here doesn't mind what he becomes - what he doesn't like is when he's "slow". So yeah, I do believe that in his case, the mean bastard is a facet of what he is, because he doesn't have a problem with hurting people as long as HE feels the way he likes.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sun Apr 21, 2013 8:43 AM
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@ clemma Re: #9
Clemma my dear, if you can't say anything nice...come sit next to me! While I love having you as my number one fan, I feel selfish keeping your comments focused solely on me. Why don't you enlighten everyone BTL with your pearls of wisdom about what you think regarding the letters. Now have a good one sweetie.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Chris
Sun Apr 21, 2013 8:51 AM
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Re #9:
"He's a freak of nature, but we love him so." (RHCP)
Seriously, even though I'm often in vehement disagreement with Chris, usually when he is blunt to the point of cruelty, I think he does a way better job than the Annies.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Carla
Sun Apr 21, 2013 9:14 AM
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With regards to LW2
A lot of people suffering from cancer also have cachexia. Believe me, they are quite aware of this significant weight loss and commenting on it just makes them more self conscious. While Lucy's response is a good one, it would be better if people would just not mention the evident weight loss when they see their friend or loved one who has enough on their plate battling this fierce illness.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Kitty O'Shea
Sun Apr 21, 2013 9:26 AM
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@Lise. Yes, with my bf, it was a combination of him not liking who he was, and his family essentially staging an intervention to get him help. Thankfully all this happened through his teen years (I think he was 17/18 when he got help), years before I met him. Since I obviously know him well, I see that he still has "spells" (not nearly as extreme as what I described above), but people who meet him today are often shocked to hear what he was like 10 years ago.
One thing I am aware of with disorders like Depression and bipolar is that they tend to lead to the sufferer being quite selfish/self-absorbed. When you're constantly bogged down in your emotions (rightly or wrongly), you tend to not think much about how it affects other people.
Now your comment about rationality is an interesting one, because my bf and I have had that conversation on several occasions- I tend to be a very rational person myself, but as someone who has "been there," he has an easier time grasping irrational actions like the ones described in this letter. One of the tricks with mental illness is that people *aren't* thinking logically or rationally, and often don't realize how bad their behaviour is, or that it's even out of line. Especially when this guy's in an "episode," he's likely not in control of his emotions or anger, and it's believable that he would say and do anything to get out of a confrontation, no matter how nasty, and might not even remember it clearly later, or think of it as less severe than it was, or think that he was provoked, or whatever. (In an odd way, it was actually easier for my bf to accept he had a problem and get help BECAUSE it was so severe- in the harsh light of day, there was just no way for him to justify his behaviour).
Don't misunderstand me- I'm not saying that what he's doing isn't awful and hurting the people around him, and he SHOULD get it sorted. It's just context.
As for your point that good people get help when they're hurting the people around them- well, that's a discussion for the ages. There are many, many people out there, who through mental illness, addiction, or other issues, hurt those around them, and may take years to get the issues under control, or never do. And it is maddening to watch it happen, and I've been angry at people in my own life who seem to put their issues over the well-being of their loved ones. I don't know if there's an easy answer as to whether these are "good" or "bad" people. I think that's why it's better to classify then as "sick" people.
And I do advise, if someone is being abused or mistreated by a mentally ill family member, to extract themselves from that situation. I have some understanding of these issues, but I absolutely don't advocate that people be doormats "because he's sick and can't help it." Make your boundaries clear. You have to protect yourself both physically and emotionally, and clearly stating why you're staying away- and sticking with it- will chip away at the denial mentally ill/addicted people have built up, and make it harder for them to believe "there's no real problem."
At any rate, we don't have to debate on it- I'm not here to change anyone's minds. It's just that I've known several people with mental illnesses, and especially depression and MD, so I have some idea of the ways they can manifest that are outside the general knowledge of the diseases.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Jers
Sun Apr 21, 2013 9:48 AM
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Re: Kitty O'Shea
"it would be better if people would just not mention the evident weight loss "
Of course it would be. But the problem is that people keep saying things like that, because they're clueless and don't care about people's feelings, only about mindlessly spewing out whatever is simmering at the top of their bubbly little heads, because whatever they have to say has GOT to be the most interesting, relevant, essential and urgent thing in the world, right, so why censor oneself? In which case a snappy comeback is the only effective response. At least they'll be shocked enough to shut up for a minute or two.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sun Apr 21, 2013 10:24 AM
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@Kitty O'Shea
It goes without saying that it would be better if people simply didn't mention weight loss to someone who has just been suffering a debilitating illness, but unfortunately this isn't a perfect world. There will always be thoughtless people who either talk first and think later or who are totally clueless about what such a comment would mean to the other person. If they're responded to with a comment like Lucy suggested in #1, these people may be shocked into not asking such idiotic questions or making idiotic statements like that in the future.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Kitty
Sun Apr 21, 2013 3:05 PM
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Re: Lise Brouillette #15
We must have posted at the same time - GMTA.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Kitty
Sun Apr 21, 2013 3:38 PM
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Re: Kitty
Yep.
Comment: #18
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sun Apr 21, 2013 5:37 PM
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Re: Chris
Chris, very kind of you, and even more kind than you usually are, to refer to a woman fighting breast cancer for two years, as a "clod." She is right, and it is never, ever OK to comment on what people weigh. These days, the best you can get away with in a work situation is telling someone that they look great, but even that is dicey these days.
I guess you don't get the purpose of columns like this. Of course, the Annie's dont have a magic want to fix what ails anyone, and the purpose of colums like this is mainly entertainment for the readers, and hopefully, some guidance for the people who write in for advice.
I will tell you this. A beautiful, vibrant woman I work with, who was always attractive and trim, is sufferring from cancer, and if you hug her, she feels more fragile than a hummingbird. I really don't think she wants to hear how thin she looks.
Comment: #19
Posted by: Carly O
Sun Apr 21, 2013 8:37 PM
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Re: Chris
typo corrections....going to have to develop Lise's strategy of creating posts in Word first. wand, not want, columns not colums, suffering, not sufferring.
Chris, ass, oops not that was not a typo if I typed that.
Chris, you can be right without being rude. Go hug a person in the last stages of cancer and call them a "clod." I will do you one better and tell you this. My young niece has leukemia, and try spending time in any children's hospital, with children from infants on up, who are struggling with disease, sickness, losing their hair, their young friends, and maybe their very lives, and you might develop something resembling a heart.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Carly O
Sun Apr 21, 2013 8:48 PM
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Re: Carly O #19
" the purpose of colums like this is mainly entertainment for the readers, and hopefully, some guidance for the people who write in for advice."
Actually, although I doubt the original Ann Landers and Abby wilfully purposed it (and the editor's purpose was certainly entertainment), the unintended consequence of such columns ended up being a platform where to drag stuff out of the closet. They were the first places that openly discussed marital rape, dometic violence, child abuse, incest, homosexuality, teen sex and pregnancy, STDs, AIDS, inter-racial marriages and offspring, and a number of other heretofore taboo subjects. As such, their contribution to the advancement of social enlighttment in America cannot be underrated.
Comment: #21
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Mon Apr 22, 2013 7:11 AM
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@ Carly O
Project much? I didn't call the LW a clod because she has cancer; I did so because she wrote into a newspaper column to ask some random third party to convey a message to the population that was highly specific to her particular case. What else would you call such a person, a dimwit maybe?
Comment: #22
Posted by: Chris
Mon Apr 22, 2013 8:44 AM
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LW1 - I had a nephew who was bi-polar. We had the same problem with him not taking his medication because he didn't like the way it made him feel. The doctor told us this is common because these medications change the brain chemistry & most patients don't like it and/or the way it makes them feel. He also engaged in unhealthy & unlawful activities. We resolved the issue by getting my nephew on the shots every three weeks. That way he couldn't "not" take his medication. He leveled out, got a job and was much more productive and happy. Also, you may need to sit down with him & come up with a mutual plan of him getting a job, paying you rent (to be used for getting his own place) and signing a contract that if he breaks the rules, loses his job or does drugs - he's out.
Comment: #23
Posted by: Judy Courtney
Mon Apr 22, 2013 10:13 AM
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Re: Chris
I woulld call her a little naive and woefully misguided...
Comment: #24
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Mon Apr 22, 2013 4:36 PM
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Re: Chris
And yet you and Lise are OK with calling cancer sufferers "clods"? Lise, I don't expect anything better from him, but you? Chris, nasty one, what do you call a person such as yourself, who has to log in here every day and mock everyone all the time. Even people who have desperate and deadly situations in their lives? Looking to vent, get a little advice, and maybe they need to visit support sites.
Chris, this very column exists for the purpose of people writing into all the wrong sources for advice, hoping that they might get some direction, but if they are reading, they get your nastiness. You are a total dick. If you had cancer would you not explore every avenue, even one as silly as this?
If you do get sick, Chris, I would hope you did well. You have gone beyond the pale with this nasty post.
Comment: #25
Posted by: Carly O
Tue Apr 23, 2013 10:06 PM
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Re: Chris
I would treat people who are dying with the same grace that I treat people who are living. They are entitled to vent, no matter how useless it is.
Stop reading here if you don't like the fact that sick and sad people who already know better post letters here. You think you know all the answers, oh pompous one, get your own column. You make me sick
Comment: #26
Posted by: Carly O
Tue Apr 23, 2013 10:12 PM
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Re: Carly O
No, I am definitely not okay with him calling a cancer sufferer a clod, but since everyone had done a bang-up job at calling him out on it and there was nothing more to add, I didn't add anything indeed. I figured I was prolific enough as it is. ;-D
But now that I think of it... Chris, a clod is someone sorely lacking in manners and social graces. It is not someone who is deluded about what the Annies can do to rectify the ills of the world. THAT is naive and worfully misguided.
Comment: #27
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Wed Apr 24, 2013 3:33 PM
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