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Dear Annie: My husband and I have been happily married for 15 years and recently decided to try an open-marriage lifestyle. We are doing this with full honesty and respect for each other.
The main problem is that the dating success is not equal. I …Read more.
Who's Not Following Up on Child Abuse Reports?
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Happy Mother's Day
Dear Readers: Happy Mother's Day. Please phone your mother, grandmother, mother-in-law, stepmother or foster mother and wish them the best. And our special good wishes to all the new mommies who are celebrating their very first Mother's Day. Also, …Read more.
Thank You, Mom and Dad
Dear Annie: I am writing a long overdue thank-you note to my parents. They are faithful readers of your column. Mom and Dad, I am thankful that:
You stood your ground and did not give in to me, even when I threw fits and demanded my way.
You …Read more.
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Avoiding Hospital Readmissions
Dear Annie: As a geriatrician, I know how thrilled patients are when they are released from the hospital and how upsetting it is to be readmitted a few weeks, or even just days, later.
One in five older patients is readmitted to the hospital within 30 days of leaving it. Each year, these repeat hospital visits add billions of dollars to national health care costs. Fortunately, there are things people can do.
Patients and their family members should question their doctors, nurses and pharmacists about anything they don't understand. If questions aren't answered, miscommunication or misunderstandings can lead to complications. Patients should repeat the instructions back to their doctors and nurses. That demonstrates whether or not they understand what to do. Most important, patients should leave the hospital with a written plan that includes information on how to take care of their condition, when their follow-up visits will be, what medications to take and complications to watch for.
We've put together a patient checklist and care transition plan that anyone can download at www.CareAboutYourCare.org. Thank you for sharing this information and for helping people stay well. — Risa Lavizzo-Mourey, MD, President and CEO, Robert Wood Johnson Foundation
Dear Dr. Lavizzo-Mourey: Thank you so much for sharing this practical and worthwhile information with our readers. Everyone going to the hospital should take this information with them. Please make sure that you, a family member or a friend has all of the information before you are discharged. It could keep you from a return visit.
Dear Annie: My brother just got engaged. He and his girlfriend have two kids. Usually, this is a happy time for families, but eight months ago, my brother's fiancee cheated on him. We weren't sure the younger child was my brother's, but he took a DNA test that proved she is his little girl.
At that time, my brother decided to keep his family together and work things out, which I greatly admire. But we just found out that his fiancee is talking, emailing and texting the guy she cheated with. My brother still wants the wedding to go on and would like the rest of us to mind our own business.
Annie, I really think this is a bad decision for my brother. I worry his girlfriend will continue to cheat and hurt my brother over and over. Do I say something, or keep my mouth shut and plaster on a fake smile? — Love My Brother
Dear Love Your Brother: Say nothing more. Your brother knows how you feel, and he has asked you to accept his decision. He understands the consequences. We think he would greatly appreciate your support right now, and we hope you can plaster on that smile and provide it.
Dear Annie: This is for all those retirees who don't know what to do with themselves.
A year ago, my health forced me into an early retirement. All of my co-workers and most of my friends lived far from my home. During my first week off, I heard of a yoga class at the local senior center. As a baby boomer, I thought I was too young to go to a "senior" center. But that one class has led to a group of retired educators, like me, who go bicycling twice a week in good weather and meet for lunch in the cold season.
I volunteer at the senior center, take painting classes at a local art center and meet lots of retired folks with similar interests. I have made some good friends, found a great traveling companion and have a lot of fun.
Please point early retirees to senior centers. Remember that you need to go somewhere at least half a dozen times before you begin to feel at home. — Retired and Busy
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2013 CREATORS.COM 
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Comments
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44 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1 The sad thing is that "The Patient" and their family need to be researching and learning any of this information. Why is this stuff not automatic information that comes to them upon discharge? You guys.....medical professionals are the experts that should be giving this information upon discharge. I was the family member in the home with my MIL when my FIL was in the hospital with pneumonia and then for the first week after discharge. I'll pat myself on the back and say I am pretty savvy when it comes to this medical stuff so I was able to ask "good" questions and when he came home get it all sorted out. I had him on a medicine and treatment schedule and was able to answer their questions as they came up. I also was able to provide full in-home support in terms of meals and transportation. He did not end up going back into the hospital. This was only possible because, of all the children and spouses, I was the only one fully retired at the time. When my MIL was in the hospital eight years ago I was working full time as was every other family member and the parents had to do the whole discharge process on their own and she ended up going through the turnstile twice more. Then as now I do not understand why it is THE PATIENT and FAMILY that are responsible for this. You guys are the experts! Enough said.
LW2 Pre-nup. Be fully supportive of your brother but strongly recommend that he get a pre-nup in place before the wedding and that it clearly specify who gets custody of their children in the event of a divorce. It should be him (based on what you have described). Then tell him don`t think it will be necessary but in this day and age it never hurts to plan for the worst case but be thrilled that it never happened.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Kelsey
Sat Mar 9, 2013 12:21 AM
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LW1: Kelsey is correct. This should ALL be a part of the process when releasing a patient. Patients should NOT research their own treatment, it should be written out for them.
LW2: Well, love is blind. I know it is hard to watch your siblings walk right into a bad situation, but you have to in this case and you HAVE to keep your mouth shut. Otherwise your soon to be SIL can freeze you out and limit exposure to their kids and even to your brother.
I wonder how you found out this information to begin with. Did your brother tell you and the rest of the family about the affair and about the continued contact? If so, your brother needs an education. There are somethings that family doesn't need to know about. This whole thing should have been between HIM and HER. By telling you and other members of his family about the difficulties between himself and his girlfriend, he has colored your opinion of your future SIL. And YOU don't know what HE'S been up to. I'm not excusing future SIL's behavior, but there are always two sides to a story. The next time your brother starts in on talking about his future wife's behavior, I would gently interject and say "John, please don't tell me any more about Suzy. It's putting me in an impossible position. You've already make the decision to marry her and that's that."
If you are finding out about her behavior from OTHER sources (not your brother), you owe your future SIL some sort of loyalty and say something similar to the above.
Comment: #2
Posted by: nanchan
Sat Mar 9, 2013 2:19 AM
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Re: Kelsey
Re LW2 and the prenup. A prenup may be a good idea in some cases, but stating in it who gets custody of the minor children would have no effect and isn't legally binding. That would be up to the courts. The parents can decide between themselves who gets custody, but if they don't agree it's up to the court to determine which is in the best interest of the children. Custody issues are never final and can always be changed depending upon the circumstances.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Kitty
Sat Mar 9, 2013 2:41 AM
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LW1 - I agree with Kelsey that the hospital/doctor should provide the patients (especially the elderly ones) with detailed information on what they need to do upon discharge. Many elderly people don't know how to use a computer or download the information the LW referred to and don't know the right questions to ask, or are afraid to ask them. Patients aren't always fortunate enough to have a family member who is available to ask the right questions and follow the instructions given orally by the doctor, and not just the elderly ones. Having detailed information given to them at discharge would solve a lot of problems.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Kitty
Sat Mar 9, 2013 2:53 AM
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LW3: This is an excellent suggestion. More people need to think like the LW!
Comment: #5
Posted by: nanchan
Sat Mar 9, 2013 2:59 AM
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LW2: If you must express your concern one last time, go ahead -- but then listen to your brother and mind your own business. This is their relationship and their business, and they may have come to some private understanding that they don't want to share with the rest of the world (and shouldn't have to).
Comment: #6
Posted by: Mike H
Sat Mar 9, 2013 3:34 AM
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LW2 -
"We weren't sure the younger child was my brother's"... "we just found out that his fiancee is talking"... "WE"? SInce when are you part of these tractations? You're not in charge of your brother's life, this is none of your business, park the copter, you meddling control freak.
P.S.: And how do YOU know all that? Did you put a sleuth on her tail, or has bro been blabbing to the family? If the latter, he had better learn to keep his trap shut if he wants his marriage to survive, because right now all he's doing is making sure everyone in his family hates her guts. And If he wants you to mind your own business, then he shouldn't make it your business by yapping out of turn.
So, to sum up the situation, fiancee steps out on future groom, future groom puts his business out on the street, copter sister thinks she's in charge of bro's life... Now, we don't know if the reason why fiancee is doing what she's doing is because she's severely immature and selfish, or VERY BADLY handling a bad relationship, or simply the whore of Babylon... My God, but there is a lot wrong here.
The only thing I could suggest that could possibly put all of your eyes back in front of their sockets is family AND pre-marital counselling. Otherwise, I frankly don't see much hope for this union, and not just because of her propensities. Which is really, really sad, since there are already children involved.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Mar 9, 2013 4:02 AM
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LW1--Of course your letter makes perfect sense and everyone with even an ounce of common sense does excactly what you recommend with regards to listening carefully to doctors instructions and ensuring that they fully understand. Unfortunately, common sense is a scarcity these days and it's evidently hard to get people to give a damn. Many families only begrudgingly take their elderly to doctors appointments because everyone is super duper busy. While the health care professional is trying to explain something, these clods are distracted by text messages or cell phone calls. The ones that aren't lack education or even the basic intelligence granted a parrot. When these people drop granny back off, they typically leave her to her confused and to her own devices. It's no wonder she winds up right back in the hospital.
LW2--What's up with all the "we found out this" and "we think that" nonsense? You are waaaay too involved with what's going on in your brother's relationship. I'm sorry sweetie but what happens in your brother's personal relationship with his fiancée is none of your goddamned business! I don't care if his girlfriend is cheating on him with your family dog and produces a litter of puppies in nine months. BUTT OUT!
LW3--Once again, what you wrote is complete and utter common sense when it comes to actual thinking people. But, as I covered in LW1...common sense isn't that common anymore.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Chris
Sat Mar 9, 2013 4:15 AM
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LW3: I'm glad the senior center worked out for you. It didn't for me, so I guess it depends on how lucky you are to have the right senior center and the right members. I'm lucky enough to have been able to retire at 62 a few months ago. My 53 yr old wife has a great career, and I've got Soc.Sec., and two pensions, so I've become the househusband. I would like to find a male buddy to hang with, hike with, play some frisbee, and go to the beach with. A little bowling and pool (billiards) would be nice too, but not so much that I'd want to join a league. I thought I'd try the senior center in town, but all I found there were seniors over 75.(all of them), mostly over 80 , ladies who sit in circles and talk, people playing Wii bowling, and bus trips to the casino. They don't even have a bocci court. Nothing for me there. You're lucky, but it's not true for everyone.
I know there's other things I can try ... and will. But not all senior centers are the answer.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Dave Galino
Sat Mar 9, 2013 4:22 AM
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"question their doctors, nurses and pharmacists about anything they don't understand." What a ridiculous statement. How is anyone going to understand what they don't understand? Asking "do you understand?" doesn't cut it. Allowing patients to leave without taking the responsibility to ensure that they do understand is negligence.
Comment: #10
Posted by: paco
Sat Mar 9, 2013 4:30 AM
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LW 2 : We've all had a time or two where we saw someone making a huge mistake and tried to stop it. It's especially hard when it's someone you love like a sibling. But, as many have found out, there is no stopping the snowball most of the time so your best bet is to let him know you will always support him and be polite. Grin and bear it as the cliche goes. Some things, people just have to do for themselves.
P.S. Anyone else find it hilarious that so many posters on here are up in arms about her minding her brothers business (you know, her closest relative genetically speaking) when they come here everyday to mind EVERYONE and ANYONE elses?
Comment: #11
Posted by: Jess
Sat Mar 9, 2013 4:54 AM
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Re LW1: It would be wonderful if hospitals took the time to make absolutely sure patients and families understood everything, but the reality is that they are running just as fast as they can to process the next patient, so it really is up to the family to make SURE they know what's going on and what the follow up is. In fact, if you want your parent to survive a "visit" to the hospital, you should try to have someone in the hospital room as much as is possible to keep track of what's going on and what the various medical personnel are doing.
@Chris - I haven't figured out if you are a really clever computer program or a really obnoxious human being. In either case, you are wrong.
Comment: #12
Posted by: dave
Sat Mar 9, 2013 5:06 AM
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Re: paco
It would be interesting to know if people can sue if the hospital does not provide any instructions on after care?
Comment: #13
Posted by: nanchan
Sat Mar 9, 2013 5:19 AM
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@ Jess Re: #11
"P.S. Anyone else find it hilarious that so many posters on here are up in arms about her minding her brothers business (you know, her closest relative genetically speaking) when they come here everyday to mind EVERYONE and ANYONE elses?"
Honey you're comparing apples and oranges. We posters generally don't actually know or interact with the letter writers so therefore our opinions on their problems are for our own entertainment, which by the way is the purpose of advice columns. On the rare occasion one of the letter writers actually stops by here BTL they are entitled to either take our comments into consideration or not. Whatever they decide, we BTL couldn't care less. What LW2 is doing is inserting herself into her brother's life and then asking for advice about how to meddle to achieve the outcome SHE deems the right one. That you can't see these as two completely different things is disturbing.
@ dave Re: #12
If I am a really clever computer program, then you'd better shield your I.P. address and hope I never worm my way into any of your machines
Comment: #14
Posted by: Chris
Sat Mar 9, 2013 5:21 AM
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Re: Chris
Whatever makes you feel better dude. I just found it funny for the inherent hypocritical aspect.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Jess
Sat Mar 9, 2013 5:51 AM
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@ Jess
What I find funny in your comment is the inherently stupid and wrong-headed aspects of it.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Chris
Sat Mar 9, 2013 5:55 AM
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LW1 should live in Massachusetts. Here, we have the Patients' Bill of Rights which ensures that we DO have written instructions given to us upon leaving hospital; we also have presented to us after a doctor visit a computer-generated summary of our visit which states conclusions drawn from what our "vital signs" and weight/height information suggests to the computer. Those visit summations are often hilarious; even my doctor had to laugh when my latest said I was "level 1 obese" and agree that both that conclusion and the height stated were errors. Did you hear about the school wrestling champ that had a letter sent to his parents by the school - which stated he was obese? My point is that ANY program is only as good as whoever is overseeing it. For the most part, however, in my area we DO get written individualized care plans presented to us when we leave a hospital.
LW3 was more fortunate than I in the senior center experience. I'm 70 and still do NOT frequent my center because most of the people there are in their late 80s and the activities are geared to them; the center also serves meals to the homeless of any age and it can be a very "rank" environment at times as a result - and some of them loiter and aren't asked to leave; there are a few overwhelming "personalities" who think they should be permitted to command all your time and attention while they gossip and lisp spit onto you as they gab on and on endlessly (and inanely) at close range and obviously don't brush their teeth or use mouthwash; and the computer classes are still teaching Windows XP, and there seem to be no plans to teach newer technologies despite the fact that Microsoft user support to XP users ended more than a year ago - as did the sale of computers loaded with that system. I find I never feel older than when I am at that senior center; I'm much more engaged and active when I stay in my own home and neighborhood and interact with the younger people who live around me; I visit the center when there's a day trip I want to take that doesn't require that I be joined at the hip to others On the trip or when there's a program offered that I actually would find useful (there are discounted podiatrist appointments, hair salon, tax preparation, etc. available if I need/want to utilize them). Find the right senior center, however, and I'm sure there would be a world of difference.
Comment: #17
Posted by: graham072442
Sat Mar 9, 2013 5:58 AM
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Every time one of my family members has left the hospital in the last 10 years, a written treatment plan has been provided. Protecting a person's health this way does lessen the risk of lawsuits, as nanchan suggested. I've used that written treatment plant to call back later; it's invaluable. Sometimes, I've understood the plan at dismissal and found a question arose later that I couldn't have anticipated.
I have noticed, however, that when either of my parents has been released from the hospital, this piece of paper is is not something they've looked for, and it seems to be regarded as just one more bit of paperwork. When I've been there on day of dismissal, I can ask the questions and make sure I have the plan to tack up on a bulletin board at home.
But when I've driven in from out of state a day or two after a hospital release and my mom will say, "Do you think this is serious? Should I call the doc?" and when I say, "Well, what does the treatment plan say"? she says, "well, I thought he said...."
So I go looking for the written treatment plan and find it stashed underneath sales flyers, mail, newspapers or the bag of "stuff" brought home from the hospital, ignored. They forgot it ever came home with them.
When LW says "every patient should come home with" -- I don't think he's not faulting the (lawsuit-conscious)hospital for failure to provide . He's saying "Make sure you know where that treatment plan is, and make sure any caregivers or family members know where it is, too, and refer to it."
Comment: #18
Posted by: hedgehog
Sat Mar 9, 2013 6:04 AM
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@Jess
I agree with Chris on the "applies and oranges" principle. It's one thing to insert your nose into your friends' or family's business and give them unasked for and probably unwanted advice, and quite another thing to speculate in the comment section of an advice column. It's true that every once in a while the LW's do come BTL and respond to our comments, but the fact remains that we are all still strangers and have no effect whatsoever on the LW's personal life. They can respond to our comments and speculations or not, and then go on with their own lives and obviously never hear from us again. If their loved ones insert themselves into the LW's personal business, it has a toally different outcome for them. You need to understand that the two situations are totally different. However, if you want to persist in thinking they're the same thing and have a laugh over it, then by all means feel free to do just that. Those of us who understand what the purpose of the comment section is will have our own little laugh at your lack of comprehension.
Comment: #19
Posted by: Kitty
Sat Mar 9, 2013 6:07 AM
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Whoops -- Make that "apples", not "applies".
Comment: #20
Posted by: Kitty
Sat Mar 9, 2013 6:09 AM
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Kelsey
We do give this information to patients when they leave the hospital. Sometimes people don't listen. They are in such a hurry to go home, they don't really care what we have to say, let alone take time to read the handouts.
Comment: #21
Posted by: capiscan
Sat Mar 9, 2013 6:37 AM
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Re: Dave Galino
Adult education at a local college or votech, if they don't have a class you want to take, you can teach one they don't have.
Comment: #22
Posted by: nonegiven
Sat Mar 9, 2013 6:43 AM
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Those treatment plans aren't always the most readable things. I can see elderly people coming home and one of them being unable to do everything they should to help the patient so the patient ends up doing too much.
Comment: #23
Posted by: nonegiven
Sat Mar 9, 2013 6:55 AM
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Re: nonegiven#22:
Thanks for your suggestions. But either way, that's too much of a commitment. I'm not bored. I've got plenty to do, lots of hobbies, and loving the time to myself. I would just like to have a buddy to hang with a couple of times a week doing various things ... and my point was that senior centers weren't my answer as the original LW suggested. He found people his own age ... I didn't. What I probably need is a personals site that's only for straight, early-retired men looking for a local buddy, and that doesn't seem to exist. I hoped the senior center was the answer, but it wasn't.
But, I count my blessings, just to have my time to myself, instead of having to work like I did for over 40 years, and like most other people my age still have to do.
Comment: #24
Posted by: Dave Galino
Sat Mar 9, 2013 7:21 AM
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Re: Dave Galino
You may want to try having lunch (by yourself at first) at a local diner or coffee shop that has good food and great prices. The pub I go to once a week has a whole community of retirees (ranging in age from 50s to 80s) that meet up there almost every day: many of them play golf together but a couple of them are more into helping younger business owners. A great group of guys: I love them all :)
Comment: #25
Posted by: nanchan
Sat Mar 9, 2013 7:49 AM
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LW1... patient non-compliance is a huge issue. For the same reason that people stop taking their medications when they start to feel better even though the doctor and pharmacist makes clear to finish the bottle. People feel better and think they are "cured" and forget to follow orders. My own mother, the day after being released from the hospital after having a stent placed in her heart artery, ate a foot long cheesesteak sandwich because she was told her artery was "as good as new". People hear what they want to hear and do what they want to do. Often the information *is* given but patients don't listen, don't care, or don't want to spend the money on medications. Or simply are too impatient to return to their lifestyle to take the recommend R&R.
During my followup appointment after having foot surgery my doctor asked how things were going and I answered fantastic I didn't expect this to go so easy. HE then asked if I had followed his recommendations of bed rest for 2 days, foot stretches, etc. And I said yes to the letter. Well then, he said, that is why you healed so quickly. Most patients don't listen and are still in pain and swollen. So in addition to understanding the orders given... FOLLOW THEM.
Comment: #26
Posted by: It's me
Sat Mar 9, 2013 8:02 AM
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Re: Jess
The business we "mind" has been put out in public for the entire planet to discuss, AND something the LW asked advice about. And THIS here is a comment board, which we are using as a comment board - DUH.
You thought you were very smart, heh, and gleefully getting your turn at slamming? Sorry, dude, but all you managed to show is what an idiot you are.
Comment: #27
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Mar 9, 2013 8:10 AM
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@It's me
Hey, stranger - long time, no read! Welcome back!
Comment: #28
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Mar 9, 2013 8:12 AM
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Years ago, my husband's aunt, a widow for 20 years, would complain that she was lonely and had nothing to do. (she lived alone about a half hour's drive from our house). I suggested once she try her town's senior center. She said nah, she didn't want to hang around with all those "old people"! She was 83!
Comment: #29
Posted by: kaydee
Sat Mar 9, 2013 8:34 AM
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re: nanchan#25:
Thanks for your suggestion. Sounds a lot more like a social group, than I'd like, but I guess it's possible I could meet an individual guy there. I wish I knew of such a place in my area. There may be one, but it's a well kept secret if there is. I'll look around though.
Thanks
Comment: #30
Posted by: Dave Galino
Sat Mar 9, 2013 8:49 AM
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I liked someone else's comment that sometimes patients don't always understand what they don't understand. After out-patient surgery on my ankle, as an attorney, I read every word of those instructions, and thought I was following them to the letter. Several hours later, it started to swell. I called the doctor, who asked if I had kept it elevated, and I responded, "yes, I've been sitting with the ankle elevated on a footstool the entire time" He nearly yelled ELEVATE means keep it higher than your heart!! That wasn't told to me, nor in the paperwork. In all my years of education, I had never come across the medical definition of elevate, and was too ignorant of my ignorance to ask for one.
Comment: #31
Posted by: Girl Scout Leader
Sat Mar 9, 2013 9:00 AM
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Re LW#1----
Expanding on the reasons posters here have already mentioned as to why the elderly end up back in the hospital, and adding a few new ones:
1) Sometimes the elderly have trouble understanding the instructions; they don't ask questions because they don't understand it enough to ask. Plus, they assume if it's important, the doctor will TELL them (not hand them a written paper with very general instructions on it. They are from a generation that can still remember house calls by doctors, and being able to call your doctor's office if you have a follow-up question and actually being able to talk directly to the DOCTOR. Nowadays you get the receptionist; you tell them you have a question for the doctor; they have a NURSE call you back; you ask your question, if you're able to formulate it into a coherent question; nurse tells you s/he will relay it to the doctor; later on, same day if you're lucky, nurse----not doctor----calls you back with an answer, which usually includes the words "If you feel you need to see the doctor, let's make you an appointment". If the answer you get generates another question from you, then you ask it and start the procedure all over again.
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2) Sometimes there is no one at home to help with the follow-up care, unless the patient is lucky enough to have friends/family who have the time and inclination to be there helping. If you feel pretty lousy from a hospital procedure, you're apt to not want to do much but stay in bed and rest or sleep. And having professional in-home care provided? Forget it. Insurance won't cover it, and most patients can't afford to pay for it themselves.
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3) A BIG reason------patients get released from the hospital way too soon, especially in the case of the elderly------again, because insurance is trying cut costs, and also because of lack of bed space in hospitals. Sometimes an extra day or so could make the difference in recovery.
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So yes, it may be due to patients not reading or following instructions, but at least some of it is due to other factors--------doctors, hospitals, and insurance companies.
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My mom's doctor, who is one of the best, does follow-up calls the next day------but even he doesn't do them personally, just has his staff do it, and she goes through the same procedure as above-----they call and wake her up from her recuperating sleep, she gives her questions/information to a person who hopefully relays all of it to the doctor, and then any answer gets back to her via a third party.
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( And it's true that MANY elderly people don't understand, or sometimes don't even have, computers, so probably going online to look for a checklist when you've just gotten out of the hospital isn't going to be feasible for MOST of them. We can sit here and say "Well, they SHOULD get one", but it doesn't solve the problem.)
Comment: #32
Posted by: jennylee
Sat Mar 9, 2013 9:16 AM
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Re LW#2---
"My brother still wants the wedding to go on and would like the rest of us to mind our own business."
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What part of your own words don't you understand? Or in your family do you get to override the wishes of the actual people involved in a situation because you are 'family'? You wouldn't be part of my family for long.
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So he marries her and it's a mistake. It's his mistake to make. You've spoken already, he knows what you think------now you need to close your mouth and be supportive. And later, if/when it falls apart, you continue being supportive. (OR you can be smug, say "I told you so", and walk away, if that gives you satisfaction. It won't help him any, but if you feel good about it, you can then dance around saying "I was right!!!!! I was right!!!!!!" Hope that will be fun for you.)
Comment: #33
Posted by: jennylee
Sat Mar 9, 2013 9:27 AM
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Re: Girl Scout Leader
"He nearly yelled ELEVATE means keep it higher than your heart!!"
That was unnecessarily rude. He wasn't born knowing that information and neither were you, and you're not a mind reader. It really pisses me off when people take for granted everybody should know their job, and act like we're all imbeciles when we don't. I then put on my best Barbie smile and soft voice, and purrs, do you know what a double-sharp is or how to write a fugue? How STOOPID can you be, *I* know that!
Comment: #34
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Mar 9, 2013 9:50 AM
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re: jennylee #32- I agree with your post, it is all very true.
When I was released from the hospital, I was given written instructions. I was very happy to have them, because I was so stressed out at the hospital, I know that they explained things to me, but I just couldn' take it all in. The written instructions were a Godsend.
Sometimes written instructions are given after outpatient procedures, too, and that is also great, because sometimes I can't imagine things that could happen, and doctors don't have time to anticipate every possible thing that couls occur. Having a great information sheet can eliminate calls back to the doctor, which usually go as Jennylee described.
LW3- I took early retirement, and I don't go to senior groups. My sister does, and she likes them. I instead joined local civic clubs. My Woman's Club meets once a month, we raise money for local charitable needs, as well as some national needs. Most of our members are over 70, but some of us are in our 50's and 60's. I am now friends with some of the members. There is also a club I joined that has forums about local political issues. The public library has book circles, music shows, all kinds of free stuff. Your local park district might have short term classes. Look around, people are doing a lot of interesting things that you could join.
Comment: #35
Posted by: Patty Bear
Sat Mar 9, 2013 10:05 AM
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Nanchan/Kelsey re: LW1: The LW definitely did not say that patients need to do their own research and figure out how to care for their condition. What he DID say was that sometimes patients don't listen, or may not have the mental faculties to understand or remember, and THAT is when they need to ask questions and repeat all the information that is given to them (I mean, I'm sure sometimes hospitals don't do all that, but it hasn't been my experience).
Comment: #36
Posted by: Steve C
Sat Mar 9, 2013 10:09 AM
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Re: Girl Scout Leader
Doctors like that one make me want to respond to them with legal jargon and then exclaim, "What? You don't understand something that simple? What's wrong with you/"
Comment: #37
Posted by: Kitty
Sat Mar 9, 2013 10:27 AM
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Doctors and their staff who are like the ones Jennylee described really make we want to scream. When my mother was elderly and still living alone (20 minute drive from my house) she was in and out of the hospital a lot her last few years, and it was up to me to make sure she was doing everything she was supposed to be doing after her hospital visits ... many times the "written orders" they gave her to take home from the hospital was a carbon of a carbon of a carbon and barely readable. If I called her doctor's office, I'd have to first listen to a recorded message, and leave a voice mail for his nurse describing what the problem was. If and when the nurse got around to calling back, I had to tell/ask her the same message I left on her voice mail (guess they don't bother to listen to them). Then she would say "I'll ask Doctor and call you back". Quite often they never called back until the next day. If I called again, I got the same routine, recording, voice mail, wait for callback, etc. It was all so frustrating. My own doctor's office also operates this way. I have a friend who says her ob/gyn's office only "accepts calls" during a two hour window, like from 1 to 3 pm. I think doctors and their staff have a long way to go before they can claim they communicate well with their patients. I suppose there are still a few out there who actually call back in a reasonable amount of time or even (shudder) talk to their own patients directly! But I haven't had that experience.
Comment: #38
Posted by: kaydee
Sat Mar 9, 2013 12:26 PM
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@Dave Galino-- A commitment of some sort is what it takes to find a buddy. Most friendships don't form instantly-- they form gradually after you've run into each other regularly, and you need at least weekly contact to get them to "take". A class is a natural source, because it gives you stuff to talk about that's not forced.
Hard for most of us to find those kind of opportunities in adult life, but church, volunteering, clubs, mall-walking, and even CSA memberships can put other faces in front of you often enough that conversation arises naturally. While sometimes you might get lucky and meet someone instantly, most of the time it takes 6 meetings or so for you to figure out which folks you'd like to befriend (and vice versa).
Comment: #39
Posted by: hedgehog
Sat Mar 9, 2013 1:43 PM
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LW2 - I know it's hard but you have to mind your own business and let your brother live his life. How would you feel if your brother or anyone else tried to tell you how to live your life? If you say something, you're risking your relationship with your brother and nieces and nephewes.
Years ago, before my brother met his wife, he dated a woman who was a bar slut. He knew she had been around the bar she frequented but he decided to date her anyway. Of course I didn't want my brother dating one of the town tramps but he was an adult and I kept quiet. He didn't marry her (he found out she was banging his now former best friend) but even if he did, I would've kept quiet. Not your life...you don't get to control it.
Comment: #40
Posted by: Michelle
Sat Mar 9, 2013 3:32 PM
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Over the last 20 years there has been a concerted, deliberate and publicly acknowledged effort to shift the burden of care onto families and away from hospitals. People have babies, or have surgeries, and are sent home days earlier than they used to be. A zoned our nurse tells them in a vague way how they're supposed to care for their relatives, or hands them a difficult to read and understand instruction sheet, ignoring the fact that they don't have nursing training and may need to be SHOWN, not just told. (I was given a chart once showing me the exercises I was supposed to do, at home, on my own, for severe back pain. Well and good, but they were poorly drawn, did not communicate clearly, and were almost impossible to understand.) LW1's letter should actually read, "Patients beware! The hospitals are doing less and less to care for you, so if you want to survive this, you'd better be proactive. Your doctor is ducking liability, it's on your shoulders now." For the LW to complain about the patients and imply they are at fault is insulting and hypocritical, considering that they are being asked to do things hospitals used to ALWAYS do to assure the health of patients, including changing bandages and administering medicines and injections they're not trained how to safely give.
Comment: #41
Posted by: sarah morrow
Sat Mar 9, 2013 7:19 PM
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Wouldn't you think that the two brothers would have very similar DNA? I don't see how the test could be so conclusive.
Comment: #42
Posted by: Mary
Sat Mar 9, 2013 9:38 PM
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LW1: My MIL spent most of her last year at my house, and what was a huge help toward the end was the hospice nurse coming by twice a week. I'd think that it would really pay off in the long run for a visiting nurse to come by a few days after a patient was discharged and make sure that the after care was clear and being carried out.
Comment: #43
Posted by: partsmom
Sat Mar 9, 2013 9:44 PM
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Re: Mary
Two brothers would have similar DNA, but definitely not identical, and a paternity test will be perfectly conclusive.
The only brothers to have identical DNA would have to be identical twins, and even then, recent research tends to show that identical DNA in such twins tends to *express itself* in slightly different ways.
Comment: #44
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Mar 9, 2013 10:03 PM
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