Hollywood Exclusive by Marilyn Beck & Stacy Jenel Smith

You'd better watch out. Santa Claus is comin' to town. He knows if you've been bad or good — and we all know there's been an awful lot of naughty out there in the celebrity realm in 2006. With so many famous folk making the jolly fat man's Bad list, as well as some so good some extra sugarplums are in order, it's only right that we help out by delivering some virtual gifts the stars really deserve.

DANNY DeVITO, who embarrassed himself, drunk on limoncellos, on "The View": a shot of bourbon. Now there's a real man's drink!

RUSH LIMBAUGH: some sense. Who goes around carrying other people's Viagra? Even worse, who accuses Michael J. Fox of faking his Parkinson's symptoms? Ha ha ha! It's like a play on words. Rush gets caught with Viagra. Then accuses Michael of faking it!

TO BRAD PITT AND ANGELINA JOLIE: a starving child in Africa. Oh, wait.

MADONNA: a starving child in Africa. Oh. Foiled again.

BRITNEY SPEARS: a year's supply of Pampers for baby Jayden James, Pull-Ups for 15-month-old Sean Preston and Underoos for herself.

KEVIN FEDERLINE: a gift certificate to "Ice-T's Rap School" on VH-1. A sign that says, "Will dance for food." And a DVD of the TV show "The Biggest Loser."

STAR JONES, who parted company with "The View" on not-nice terms: Unlimited use of Craigslist so she can sell and buy used furniture while looking for a job.

ABIGAIL BRESLIN of "Little Miss Sunshine," JENNIFER HUDSON of "Dreamgirls," and MILEY "HANNAH MONTANA" CYRUS: copies of "Oh, the Places You'll Go."

SACHA BARON COHEN, the "Borat" star who's been besieged by lawsuits: a good lawyer.

NAOMI CAMPBELL, who was accused of physically attacking two maids and a former assistant this year, and DENISE RICHARDS, who was so ticked off about being chased by paparazzi, she threw a photographer's laptop off a hotel balcony: anger management classes.

THE FOX EXECUTIVES RESPONSIBLE FOR INITIALLY APPROVING O.J. SIMPSON'S CANCELLED-AT-THE-11TH HOUR 'IF I DID IT' SPECIAL: a visit from Naomi Campbell and Denise Richards.

ISAIAH WASHINGTON: an invitation to be the grand marshal of next year's Gay Pride parade, and a makeover by Clay Aiken's stylist for the occasion.

SNOOP DOGG: a get-out-of-jail-free card.

LANCE BASS, T.R.

KNIGHT and NEIL PATRICK HARRIS: rainbow cross-stitch samplers that say "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" (Dr. Seuss).

NICOLE RICHIE: sobriety.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: continued strength and good health, and the courage to take it one day at a time.

KEITH URBAN: ditto

MARY J. BLIGE: a crystal display case, to show off the nine Billboard Awards and myriad other statuettes the eight-time "The Breakthrough" Grammy nominee is sure to be hauling home in coming weeks.

EMMITT SMITH, the Dallas Cowboys gridiron hero turned "Dancing With the Stars" winner: some polish to keep those dancing shoes shiny.

MARIO LOPEZ: a full dance card of assignments that make the most of his talents.

TOM CRUISE: best wishes that his marriage to Katie Holmes lasts longer than Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock's. Oh, wait … hold on … according to our watch, it already has.

EVA LONGORIA AND TONY PARKER: Well wishes for a happy marriage to the 5'2" actress and 6'2" NBA star, and a copy of Bow Wow's "Shortie Like Mine."

LINDSAY LOHAN: a good sponsor since her parents dropped the ball.

MICHAEL RICHARDS: knee pads to crawl back into Hollywood's good graces.

JESSICA SIMPSON, who botched her Dolly Parton tribute at the Kennedy Center Honors: a copy of the song "You Dropped A Bomb On Me."

CLAY AIKEN, who upset Kelly Ripa when he shushed her by covering her mouth on camera, prompting her to say, "I don't know where those hands have been": Hand sanitizer.

GWEN STEFANI: a pen, so she can write down her secrets to looking that hot after having a baby.

TERRI IRWIN, widow of Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin: Peace and continued strength to carry on.

PARIS HILTON, the omnipresent bad influence who said this year, "I think every decade has an iconic blond, like Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana, and right now, I'm that icon": vanishing cream that would really make her disappear.

JOHNNY DEPP, whose "Pirates of the Caribbean" sequel was the year's biggest box-office hit at $423 million: ongoing StARRRGHdom.

THE MANY CELEBRITIES WHO DEVOTE TIME AND ENERGY TO CHARITY: happy holidays, prosperity and joy.

And to all you readers, the same.

(With reports by Stephanie DuBois and Emily Feimster)

To find out more about Marilyn Beck and Stacy Jenel Smith and read their past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate web page at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2006 MARILYN BECK AND STACY JENEL SMITH

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