Dear Margo: I have been married for 18 years and am going through a painful divorce (her idea). One of the main problems she had with me was that after we married and had a daughter, I told her she had to choose between seeing her father and staying married to me. She had been molested by him between the ages of 12 and 14, and then physically abused for the slightest infraction for the next two years. She attempted suicide at 17, but was found by her grandmother and revived. She told her mother about the abuse when we were first together (she was 26), but her mother didn't believe her. After going through eight months of weekly therapy to overcome her parental issues, she asked for a divorce. She has since tried to reconcile with her father (no response from him). I don't understand how she could want to have anything to do with her parents and not want to reconcile with her husband of 18 years. — Jerry

Dear Jer: Surprisingly, attachment to abusive parents isn't all that unusual. A child, even at 12, is not a great judge of character in others, particularly parents, who are, after all, the whole world for many children. The ability to transcend attachment to parents is a capacity that some individuals possess, but others require years of therapy before they can recognize the unloving nature of a parent. Physical abuse, such as hitting, can convince a child that they earned the beating because they were "bad" in some way. I think you may be denying some issues between you and your wife that perhaps she felt too frightened to take up with you. It could be that your view of the marriage as fundamentally good was a unilateral perception your wife didn't share. Sometimes people assume they are loved and lovable when that is not the case.

I know this must be painful to hear, but it's something you need to explore. — Margo, regretfully

When It Feels Like Your Wheels Are Coming Off

Dear Margo: I have been with the same man for 12 years. We have two children and love each other. Last year about this time, I found out he had cheated on me for almost two months. Needless to say, it hurt. The fact that it was with someone I thought was my good friend made it worse. She fed him a bunch of bull that just wasn't true, like that I was having an affair. When he found out she had lied, he came to me and confessed everything. I forgave him and told her to get out of my life. Everyone who knows me says I should be over it, but now that the anniversaries of the events are here, I am mad and hurt all over again. The fact that he spent our wedding anniversary in her bed last year doesn't help. Is it wrong that I am still angry? Does the pain ever stop? How do I explain to him that even though I forgive him, I am still devastated by what happened and afraid he will do it again? I am also sick of defending him to other people. I was the one who was hurt, and I spend more time reassuring him and everyone else that everything is OK. I don't know how to handle any of this. — Silently Suffering in Washington

Dear Si: You may be suffering silently, but it sounds as though word of your marital difficulties has been broadcast far and wide — which is too bad because you are having to deal with other people on something that is between you, your husband and the floozy. As for your aftershock, I don't think you need to explain all your fears to your husband, but rather to a counselor. The pain does stop, and the anger fades, but you have to work to achieve this peace and rebuild your marriage. ... And have hope. It can be done. — Margo, restoratively

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2008 MARGO HOWARD

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