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Responding to Poor Judgment
Dear Margo: This past year has been amazing for me. I successfully passed my first semester in college with a 4.0 while juggling friends and a job. I have a very goal-oriented boyfriend who is compassionate to boot! We have a lot in common and …Read more.
If It's Something Dire, You Will Know About It
Dear Margo: My husband is an only child in his late 30s. My father-in-law is terribly selfish. We live several states away, and because he's the only blood relative left, my spouse does his best to keep in touch with his father. It is rarely …Read more.
What's Up with That?
Dear Margo: I really don't know what to do about my mother. It's as though she's made a career out of not listening to what I say ... or she's dedicated herself to doing the opposite. Right after I told her I was going on a diet and staying away …Read more.
Guess What: Not Everyone Is Kind
Dear Margo: My husband, our children and I recently moved to a new town. Through the children, really, I've met a group of women. They apparently are longtime friends, and one of them invited me to their Wednesday mothers group for lunch. I have to …Read more.
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A New Kind of Dysfunction: The Glued-Together Sisters
Dear Margo: The Hydra belongs to Greek mythology, but surprise — there's one in my family, as well!
My mom and aunt are the best of sisters, and they share everything. And every thought. They almost never disagree with each other. While they are both amazing and wonderful, it's becoming increasingly difficult for anyone in the family to get support for anything should the sisters set their mind against it (even my grandfather). There is no convincing them of anything, because you won't even get the chance to speak; their words and comments overlap in a never-ending barrage until they shoot your opinion down. Trying to speak to them individually is impossible because they are always together. This is stressful and not a good thing for the family, because, like my mom and aunt, we have our opinions, too. I've wanted to make an extended trip overseas, but they are dead-set against it. I'm 24 and know I can make my own decisions — really, to heck with what they think. But I don't want to make things awful, and yet I'm sure there is no way to slay this two-headed Hydra controlling the family. — Silently Screaming
Dear Si: Well, there is a way, actually. You and your family need to tune out the tribunal, I mean the sisters, and do what you please. Perhaps the most useful way to start this ball rolling is not to discuss every decision you are contemplating and just go ahead and do it. "Bossy" is the word we used to use for this kind of managerial relative. — Margo, tactically
Turning It On and Off — Mostly Off
Dear Margo: I am a newlywed. We just had our one-year anniversary. We had an OK sex life before marriage and a great honeymoon, but we have only had sex five times in the past year, and he refuses to see a urologist or go to counseling with me. I am only 28. He is just fine not having sex, but I am a mess and am on antidepressants. He says it's not me, it's him. (Well, duh.) I can't get over my anger and resentment. I am trying to wait it out, but I have the full realization that he is making no attempts to change. He also wants kids! Should I just cut my losses now or continue to be unfulfilled for the rest of my life with him? I cry every time he rejects me and find it horrible that he won't love me. I don't even try to initiate sex anymore. It is too painful. — All Alone
Dear All: Something is in the air. I have been hearing from women who are with men who could operate sexually before marriage, but then once married decide they're done. Interesting about his wanting kids. Where are they supposed to come from — CVS? If he continues to refuse to look into his problem — whatever it is — then you really have no choice but to solve the problem yourself by calling the marriage a mistake. You are at an age where many young women haven't even married for the first time. And your dysfunctional husband is right about one thing: The trouble is with him, not you. — Margo, correctively
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2010 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM
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Comments
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16 Comments | Post Comment
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I can think of many reasons why a husband might lose sexual interest in a woman after marrying her:
1) Weight. Many women have the attitude that "now that I'm married, I don't have to bother to stay thin". They put on 20 pounds (or more) and move out of the weight range that the husband finds attractive.
2) Behavior. Some women hit their husbands with complaints the moment they're in the room, many of which are about problems that the women themselves created and which they are not willing to accept a simple solution. There's no bigger turn-off than a constant whiner.
3) Sexuality. Some women's attitudes about sex change after marriage. They decide that they "don't like" sexual acts that they performed prior to being married and won't come through, even though, for their husband, those acts were essential. I'm not talking crazy stuff here; I married a woman who decided that she "didn't like" french kissing after being married. (No, I don't have bad breath.)
4) Attire. Some women believe that their husband should become aroused like Pavlov's dog simply because there's a female body around somewhere. Some men prefer a particular "look"... and it's not sweats and a housecoat.
Before assuming that it's the husband's problem, the wife should examine HER behavior and see what's changed in HER. I suspect that she's made some "now that we're married, I don't have to...." changes that are turning him off.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Geoffrey James
Sat Feb 27, 2010 5:11 AM
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You need to read this letter again, Mr Geoffrey "Misogynist" James. She is not "assuming that it's the husband's problem". He TOLD her it's his problem. Duh. Don't project your own failed relationship on this woman!
Comment: #2
Posted by: Val
Sat Feb 27, 2010 5:39 AM
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It sounds like LW2 is doing everything she can to interest her husband, to no avail. I suspect either he's become impotent or he's deliberately withholding sex as a passive-aggressive type of abuse. Either way, if the husband is so callous to her needs, the marriage is basically over anyway. There are more fish in the sea and she is still a young, attractive woman.
Comment: #3
Posted by: pinetree
Sat Feb 27, 2010 5:59 AM
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Perhaps she is overlooking the fact that he may be gay. Many men are still afraid to come out because of family, jobs, religion, etc... Even though feelings are changing about this there are still some died in the wool nuts who think what goes on in someone elses bedroom is their business. Wanting a child is certainly not only a 'straight' wish. I am not saying that the husband is gay but that is one explaination.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Penny
Sat Feb 27, 2010 7:17 AM
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That was me 13 years ago. My husband made every excuse in the world. Then he started to blame me. I have gone months and years without any intimacy. Once in a while he throws me a bone. I am done though-- filed for divorce
Comment: #5
Posted by: Theresa
Sat Feb 27, 2010 8:31 AM
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Margo is right on about the 24-yr old in the first letter having the right NOT to discuss things with her mother-aunt duo before she does them. My mother is a fountain of anxiety, and I've learned to tell when I've made a trip only after I'm back.
Re: LW2, it's possible that her hubby has an affair going on that is satisfying his sexual needs, and he feels guilty enough about it not to be able to get it up for her. I'd recommend marital counseling PLUS the services of a good private investigator. If the husband won't spill during therapy sessions, the PI may be able to find out what's going on outside the marriage.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Bonnie
Sat Feb 27, 2010 8:36 AM
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LW2 should consider whether or not her husband has segued into pornography. Many partners succumb to online porn to the point where the real thing takes a back seat simply because most sex between partners is fairly vanilla compared to what's portrayed as "normal" online. Pretty soon he's not turned on by his wife anymore and needs toe more graphic stuff to satisfy his needs. This might have started innocently enough but has subsequently gotten out of hand. Another thought is that there's some deep seated resentment on the part of the husband towards the wife. Some deep seated issue might have festered to the point where he isn't interested in intimacy with the wife.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Chris
Sat Feb 27, 2010 10:24 AM
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My EX-husband was very similar. Except that we rarely had sex before marriage (it was against his Fundamentalist Christian upbringing) and had NO sex after the honeymoon. And I didn't make any 'now we are married' changes as Mr Geoffry Misogynist suggests. My ex is a 'hunter'. He only wants what he can't have. Once we were married he had no use for me sexually and promptly started an affair with a married co-worker. I left him (shortly after our first anniversary) and she left her husband to be with him. And then he didn't want her either. He has left a string of broken hearts and trashed relationships in his wake. Sometimes it is depression.. sometimes they are just snakes in men's clothing..
Comment: #8
Posted by: araminta
Sat Feb 27, 2010 1:03 PM
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My EX-husband was very similar. Except that we rarely had sex before marriage (it was against his Fundamentalist Christian upbringing) and had NO sex after the honeymoon. And I didn't make any 'now we are married' changes as Mr Geoffry Misogynist suggests. My ex is a 'hunter'. He only wants what he can't have. Once we were married he had no use for me sexually and promptly started an affair with a married co-worker. I left him (shortly after our first anniversary) and she left her husband to be with him. And then he didn't want her either. He has left a string of broken hearts and trashed relationships in his wake. Sometimes it is depression.. sometimes they are just snakes in men's clothing..
Comment: #9
Posted by: araminta
Sat Feb 27, 2010 1:04 PM
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My gut reaction to "All Alone" is that her husband is gay who for what ever reason (probably upbringing) feels he has to suppress his desires by getting married and having kids. But I wouldn't try to overthink it. Whatever the reason is, my advice to "All Alone" is to cut her losses and get out now, rather than 20 years from now.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Hal
Sun Feb 28, 2010 8:46 AM
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Only 28 and sex only 5 times in the last year? He doesn't want to see his doctor or a therapist with her? Cut your losses, Girlfriend. Get out now. Don't settle for this life, it will only get worse as he gets older.
Comment: #11
Posted by: janet
Sun Feb 28, 2010 7:37 PM
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Oh boy, #2 and I are in the same boat... my fiancee is 30 (I'm 26), and we've been dating for two years and almost NEVER have sex. It's always been like that... we have sex maybe once a month, or once every two months. I used to try freaky stuff but he didn't like it. I used to wear sexy underwear but it never made much of a difference. After dating him for six months I finally just stopped trying so hard, and after a year and a half I even lost my own desire for sex. He only has a few porno files on his computer and no porn DVDs, so I doubt that's the problem, and for a while I was checking his phone every day, kept a copy of his work schedule with me, etc, but I really don't think he's cheating since he comes home on time and doesn't act "strange" around me. He USED to be a bad boy who went out with hookers, had sex in parks with girlfriends, etc, but some time before he met me he "lost interest". When I met him we were friends first, and he never once made a play at me or any girls around us. He told me about how he used to be and I couldn't believe it-- even his longtime friends tell me he's changed a lot over the last ten years. Maybe I'm naive, I don't know, but since I'm not anything like I was at 22, I guess it's possible people just change.　The sex usually sucks even when we have it, but I think that's just how it is... I've had relationships with men who were GREAT in bed but lousy boyfriends, and I would much rather have a good boyfriend who isn't so great in the sack. Maybe #2 shouldn't be so offended... maybe he really is just like that. I guess if sex is that important to you, you should leave him if he won't put out, but if he's great in every other way, get a vibrator and be done with it.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Brooke
Sun Feb 28, 2010 8:57 PM
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The answer for LW2 is this; she'd love children but doesn't think he could handle the sexual relationship that would take. And since they can't have kids without them, she'll be moving on unless he sees his doctor within the specified time.
As for Geoffrey, you really think she put on 20 pounds in the first year of her marriage, and you really think that he wouldn't want to sleep with her because of it (they're still newlyweds!)? I mean I get the men who are upset that their wives gain 100 pounds and expect there husbands to find them as sexy as day one.
I could get that if you're willing to do something while dating you need to be willing to do it once married. There are things I don't do. Period. So I'll never run into that situation. But likewise, if I've never been willing while dating, don't expect I'll suddenly be willing while married.
And a guy who has a good relationship with his wife as more than just a sex object will in fact, sometimes become aroused just because she's near. Do I know that a long skirt & boots does it for him every time? Sure. But baggy jeans are not a turnoff for my guy. But obviously that's something you've not had in a relationship. Quite sad.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Mich
Mon Mar 1, 2010 10:48 AM
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I think Geoffrey makes some valid points and that the rest of you are way too quick to jump down his throat. (Why are men never allowed to have a gripe around here? It's always his fault somehow, right ladies?) The whole "it's not you, it's me" thing is probably just a cop-out. Yeah, he could be gay or having an affair.....or.....or.....maybe she changed some way or arrived at some decision that hubby finds repellent! It happens, people. The trouble with these letters is that we're only getting half the story, and despite knowing that (or that we OUGHT to know that), we proceed as if in possession of all the facts and are then quick to pass judgement on either the LW or someone else mentioned in the complaint. I also find it interesting that Geoffrey was accused of "projecting his failed relationships" onto the LW's, situation. Uhm, maybe he's "been there, done that, bought the T-shirt" and sees some parallels?
Comment: #14
Posted by: Matt
Mon Mar 1, 2010 10:57 PM
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Well, Matt and Geoffrey, how about we ASSUME that the husband is an ADULT and instead of being passive aggressive and disinterested, could maybe become an engaged party in his marriage and have a frank and mature conversation about what's going on with him. Sure, you guys can try to place the blame on her, but the fact is that she's attempting to right a situation that's not working for her, and he's doing.....nothing. Whether we have half or all of the story is irrelevant since we know that she's asked him to pursue help for the issue and he's declined. Sorry but in my book that makes the stagnancy in the situation his fault.
Comment: #15
Posted by: AdriannaW
Tue Mar 2, 2010 5:42 AM
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There might be another reason as to why the husband is no longer interested in sex with his wife. He may be asexual. Many asexuals try forcing themselves to have sex and to be "normal" but end up hating the act and themselves. It's quite possible that he'd been doing this for some time and met and fell in love with his wife but can no longer force himself to be what he's not. It's up to the both of them (assuming that he is asexual) to have open communication and decide if this is something that they can both live with together. Depending on where on the asexuality spectrum he identifies, there are loads of compromises they could make that could still insure some degree of compatibility. But, of course, if there aren't compromises at all or open communication then they have no buisness being together. The thing the wife needs to remember is that if her husband is asexual then there's nothing wrong with him nor is there anything wrong with her...it's just the way he's wired.
Comment: #16
Posted by: mandybug
Thu Mar 4, 2010 6:00 AM
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