Dear Margo® by Margo Howard

LW1: Fiance should get rid of the memorablia. Why does he need them? I can see if an ex passed away or something and he wants a memory, but that's not the case here. He should focus on the woman he's going to marry, not the ones he didn't. I bet that memorabilia has phone numbers in it too, and he may already be cheating. Just saying.

LW2: Oh, Margo, trying to use sound science and proven facts on a religious person? Not gonna work.

LW1: I say let him keep it as long as it is something he does not mind his children going through after his death. My father had a box of letters. They were letters he received from a girlfriend and my mom. My sisters and I read every one of these letters and then split them up among ourselves. We also found the letters my father wrote my mom. The time these letters were written were in the early 40's. We saw another side of my father. From the letters his old girlfriend wrote we could tell that she did something to hurt him and he cut off communications. Funny he kept the letters. The letters my mom wrote were somewhat boring. But my father wrote the most beautiful romantic letters to my mom. However if those letters have stuff in them he does not want his kids to see after his death then he better get rid of them sooner or later. And if he wanted to keep their phone numbers I am sure he has an easier method than going to a box of letters and sorting it out. Letters are a wonderful glimpse into the history decades from now. The question is do you trust him?

LW1: As Margo says, some people find it cathartic to get rid of all reminders of a relationship when it's over and some save them. Salty, it sounds like you're one of the former. But I have some reminders of past relationships... and I've been happily married for more than 30 years. No phone numbers in there -- or if there are they are long out of commission.

Look at it this way: each one of those other women he was with helped him mature into the man you love and want to spend your life with; and you may have him now because one of THEM decided he needed to erase all evidence of his past life in order to be with her. Unless you want your stuff in that box, to be moved into the next home he shares with a woman, I'd suggest you back off.

Re: cecile, I love this reply.

LW1--I completely agree with Margo. Excellent response!

LW2--Again, I completely agree with Margo. She's right in that FAS occurs typically from alcoholics or binge drinkers. A glass of wine occasionally during the pregnancy will not result in FAS in spite of the overwhelming, paranoid protestations I expect to read to the contrary.

LW1 -
Frankly, if you have a problem with the ghosts of relationships past being locked up in a box forgotten at the back of a closet, not only are you being unreasonable, but also pathologically insecure. Do some volunteer work, adopt a rescue animal, get a hobby or some therapy, anything that'll build up your self-esteem. I strongly recommend you do, before your hypersensitivity rears its ugly head about other such petty issues.

I also have stuff from past relationships, including jewelry I still wear and stuffed animals that I put in a toy chest for visiting munchkins, so unlike Margo I actually use and look at some of mine. They were an important part of my past. Plus getting rid of pictures would mean wiping out a good chunk of pics from my high school and college careers. If it's naked pics or similar, I can see being a little uncomfortable, (and Cecile is right, we found some of those when we were cleaning out my father in law's stuff after his passing. Awkward an somewhat disturbing to say the least) but if it's prom pictures and road trips and a vacation to Italy or something where the memories are important it's just not your place, wife or not, to tell him to get rid of it.
As far as 'being confronted by bits of his past' you're going to have to learn to deal with that anyway. It pops up occasionally, especially after you're married. Planning on going to his high school reunion with him? Old friend's weddings, visiting old home towns? Mutual friend's facebook posts? Christmas cards?

Since letters are quickly becoming a thing of the past, I say let him hang onto them. I've got a box with stuff that brings back memories and it includes some pictures of old boyfriends. I don't get them out and look at them unless I'm looking for something else, but I don't want to get rid of them.

When I went through old pictures from my family last year and scanned them all to my computer so everybody could have copies, I'd have loved to find a cache of old letters, but if they ever existed, they were destroyed.

Maybe someday a grand or great-granddaughter of mine will find the picture of me with long hair and bell bottom jeans next to a guy with equally long hair, and realize that grandma wasn't so stodgy after all.

Re: Chris

I agree. In fact, when I was near delivery, my obstetrician observed that my son was in breech position, and he warned us that a c-section was more than likely inevitable. He told my husband to take me out for dinner and get me a glass of wine.

We scheduled the c-section, and the x-ray that day confirmed that the doctor was right. I am not recommending that pregnant women drink huge amounts of alcohol, but the occasional drink appears to be OK for women who are not alcoholics or binge drinkers.

LW1: To your fiance: Scan all the letters and pictures, put them in a hidden file (and back it up) and let LW1 gaily burn the box of originals. But seriously LW1, what Margo said, get over it.

Re: Joannakathryn #8
"Maybe someday a grand or great-granddaughter of mine will find the picture of me with long hair and bell bottom jeans next to a guy with equally long hair, and realize that grandma wasn't so stodgy after all."
LOL! I guess I'm lucky that my daughter has no such doubts about me. ONE advantage of not being a "good wittle girl" after all! ;-D

Re: Lise Brouillette--My son will put his hands over his ears and start singing "Lalalalala " loudly whenever anything comes up about us in our younger days.

My in-laws have two tiny guest rooms and they use twin beds in them. When my son took his new wife out to see them, he came home and told me that he and she slept in the same bed and did I think it made Grandma mad.

I told him, of course not, but then I asked him why they didn't just push the beds together, because that's what his dad and I used to do when we were first married.

His response? "I don't want to hear that!!!!!"

I told him if they were both skinny enough to sleep in one twin bed, more power to them. (I like our king-size.)

LW1 -- The BF I was with right before I met my husband was someone I was with for about three years and I met him literally the very first weekend I was starting college (we were friends for a year before we started dating). So, my ex-BF was a huge part of my college days. If I got rid of all the photos he was in, I would have very little left from my college years. My husband didn't care if I kept it, because he understood that getting rid of all that stuff was akin to asking me to just forget my college years. More importantly, my husband knew that I loved HIM and was marrying HIM and that he had nothing to worry about. I kept the stuff for many years. Over time, each time we moved (we have moved several times), I've slowly shed some of the stuff. At this point, I have very little of the "collection" left. Hubby still couldn't care less one way or the other.

LW2 -- Here's the thing, I am currently seven months pregnant with my second child. I have heard a number of different things regarding stuff that I should and should not be eating and drinking while pregnant. These days, you're not even supposed to eat deli meat (lest it be contaminated with listeria). If I followed every single rule I have heard, I'd basically be eating bread and water. We are a little crazed on this topic
.
Having said that, one of the tricky things about FAS is that, from what I understand, this is not just something that is determined by the amount and/or type of alcohol you drink. It also has to do with the timing within the pregnancy. There apparently are times when it is less of a risk. What I don't remember is when was the least risky time versus the most risky time.

So, on the one hand, I think we ARE a bit crazed and paranoid when it comes to what is and isn't safe for a pregnant woman to ingest. On the other hand, it's hard for me to imagine alcohol being so important to me that I couldn't give it up for nine months. The risks are very real and dire, and it would seem that the medical field's understanding of exactly how much (and when) is limited, at best -- because, obviously, who is going to run tests on this? No one is going to be willing to have one group of pregnant women drink heavily, another group moderately, etc., at the risk of hurting babies in the name of science. So, we are unlikely to pinpoint what is and isn't a safe amount and at what point in the pregnancy it is or isn't more of a danger. And if you ask 10 doctors (and they're willing to be totally honest), you'd probably get 10 different answers.

At the end of the day, I can only tell you that I strictly follow some of the rules, and I'm not so strict about others. It just so happens that alcohol is one of the ones I'm strict about -- I just don't "need" it or want it so badly that it's that big of a sacrifice not to have it. I honestly believe that a single, small glass of wine every now and again isn't a problem -- but for me, it's just not such a big deal to not have it. Frankly, I have a much harder time with the rules about cheese!

Re: Lisa
And why would you not be allowed to eat cheese? Granted that it was 40 years ago, but I remember being told to eat plenty of dairy, in any shape or form. I did. Baby was fine.

LW1 - If you're this petty, I think a much bigger concern is that you're buying a house together with this man before your nuptials are officially tied.

@Lise -- well, some cheeses are OK and others are not. Hard cheeses are almost always OK. Soft cheeses almost always are not. Any cheese, hard or soft, as long as it's either pasteurized or cooked, is fine. It's an issue of bacteria that can be in the cheese that generally isn't harmful to an adult (or even an older child) but can, apparently, be dangerous to the fetus. It's basically the same issue as deli meat. So, it's not a ban on dairy, per se -- no one said anything about not drinking milk, for example -- but they want it to be pasteurized. Most cheese made in the U.S. is pasteurized, but many imported cheeses are not. Mind you, the women in those countries from which the cheese is being imported are happily munching away on unpasteurized cheese, and no one is telling them not to, and they're fine.

I read an article by a French OB/GYN that talked about how totally nuts Americans are about trying to avoid every possible risk and having the "perfect" pregnancy. I happen to mostly agree with what she had to say. By the same token, when you are my age, and there are a number of additional risks that you CAN'T control, it's easy to get obsessed about the risks that you CAN control.

I can't tell you the number of people who, when they hear I'm not supposed to eat fish more than once a week and to avoid certain types of fish entirely (concern there is mercury content of the fish), or when they hear I'm not supposed to eat blue cheese or what have you, they say, "I ate all that stuff and my children were fine." I don't doubt it for a second. I believe the risks from most of these things is minimal -- but because of how litigious our society is, docs want to cover every single base and every single possibility, no matter how infinitesimal the odds are that something bad is going to happen. The result -- they tell you not to eat deli meat, not to change the cat litter, not to eat fish more than once a week avoid certain types of fish (and all sushi) entirely, to limit caffeine intake or eliminate it entirely, and the list goes on. And on. And ON.

On the flipside, I can't tell you the number of women (mostly older women), who are horrified when they hear that I am still running long distances. My OB/GYN is a giant practice, so I literally asked 10 of the doctors in that practice about continuing to run. I fully expected that I was going to get at least one or two who told me to cut back on the running -- but actually all 10 of them said that as long as I keep my heart rate and core body temperature down (and hydrate properly), I can run as much as I want. So, go figure.

Re: Lisa
Two documentaries I watched in the past two days mentioned how plastics are now unofficially part of the human food chain, and how there could be a link with breast cancer among other things. Plastics pollute the waters of all oceans around the globe, small particles are ingested by fish, and then we consume the fish or the animals that eat them.

Seems to me the Western world would have a better chance of improving health overall if it made sure all plastics were recycled fully, rather than worring about the odd glass or wine or 4-ounce piece of blue cheese for a pregnant woman (anyone trying to keep me away from blue cheese is doing it at his own peril).

As for doctors telling you you can continue to run as long as it's done sensibly does not surprise me one bit. I know someone who was told the same thing about horse-riding: that if it's an activity she does every day, then she should continue doing it as long as it feels comfortable, and that stopping abruptly something that is part of her daily routine would actually be detrimental.

I seem to remember reading that women who exercise regularly and for real go through easier deliveries and speedier recoveries than the ones who don't - so you're good to go in my book and that of the doctors. But I don't doubt there will be plenty of goody-two-shoes out there who will be utterly scandalised and trying to make you feel guilty, as if you were recklessly risking a miscarriage. The truth of the matter, you're not, not unless you're already at risk. In the case of a normal pregnancy, baby will be fine, it's pretty well padded in there. My only concern would be to the potential damage to inner muscles holding stuff in place, with the repeated impacts caused by running with that extra weight pushing down.

But the thinking that pregnant women are fragile, delicate, breakable little vases is stubborn. Blpblpblpblpblpblpblp to that! Some women are indeed and that should be respected, but others not so much.

Yes, as far as physical activity goes, basically anything that is "normal" for you pre-pregnancy is not a problem for you to continue during your pregnancy (unless or until you are uncomfortable or you have any other complications, obviously). Marathon running was "normal" for me, so for me to continue long-distance running during my pregnancy is not a problem -- but obviously no doctor would recommend a woman who has never run before to start marathon training while pregnant.

And yes, while years ago women were told to minimize physical activity during pregnancy, today it is quite the opposite. I had to have a c-section with my first. The "typical" recovery time for a c-section is about six weeks. The doctors were amazed at how quickly I was up and around with basically no discomfort and with almost full range of motion -- they let me leave the hospital a full day earlier than planned because I bounced back so quickly. I was cleared to start running again just three weeks after the c-section. I literally lost the baby weight "overnight" -- because basically all of the weight was related to the baby and the placenta, etc., so once I gave birth, the weight was gone. I was, of course, still somewhat "puffy" for about a week and a half -- that was actually more due to the water retention related to the surgical procedure than the pregnancy. I was wearing my regular, pre-pregnancy clothing in about a week. Women frequently tell me how "lucky" I am. I'm not going to argue that "luck" had nothing to do with it -- certainly some of it was genetic (my mother is still relatively slender at the age of 69), but the far greater reason behind my "luck" was the fact that I ran through the first seven months of my pregnancy, then walked up to three miles every day for the rest of it. That's not "luck" -- that's discipline and commitment.

And if I sound cocky about all that, let me also say that I know it will be harder this time, and not simply because it's a second pregnancy that occurred fairly quickly after the first one. It's also because I haven't been able to exercise as consistently this time around. Last time I was running or walking pretty much every day. This time, I'm only running or walking about three times a week. The point is, I'm not foolishly deluding myself that I will "get my body back" as quickly this time as last time -- but I'm also well aware of the fact that it's not going to because my "luck ran out" -- it's going to be because I haven't been exercising as much. So, just as I'd like to take some credit for my speedy recovery last time, I'll also take the blame for why it may not be quite so speedy this time. I get sort of annoyed when people suggest that it's all luck.

And you are definitely right that not all women are ABLE to be as physically active, despite being perfectly healthy otherwise and having been physically active prior to pregnancy. A good friend of mine who typically runs 3-5 miles three or four times a week was unable to exercise at all during her three pregnancies. In the early stages, she'd go for a run, come back, and need to sleep for three hours to recover -- and she simply didn't have time for that. It drove her crazy not to be able to go out and run, but she just couldn't do it. She even tried taking a special yoga class specifically for pregnant women, and even that was just too much for her. And she is not some fragile flower who is afraid of a little pain and a little sweat. So, I do believe there are women out there who really CANNOT exercise during pregnancy. But the vast majority of women who don't COULD, they simply choose not to, for one reason or another.

Re: Lisa
Personally, I was very active in terms of work, but exercise, especially the kind you do on your own like cycling or jogging, was out of the question because my blood pressure had a tendency to drop suddenly and I would faint. And also, I was so nauseated all the time for the first three months that I became skinny as a rail - extra expenditure of calories was not recommended.

I think the outrage about a pregnant woman running marathons is a hold-out from he bad old times when pregnant women were considered handicapped. Never mind medical progresses and transforming societies, attitudes are always the last to go. While there are women who become limited in what they can do when pregnant, others are not and it shouldn't be demanded of them that they bubble-wrap themselves for nine months - especially at their detriment.

The body's metabolism gets used to the balance between food intake and calorie expenditure, and between rest periods and the amount of endorphins pumped into your brain. (And btw, it's entirely possible to get addicted to that rush, and I know someone who did). For some people, abrupt forced inaction due to injury, illness or other factors can lead not only to weight gain and loss of condition, but also to depression, more or less severe depending on whether there is endorphin dependency.

People who train extensively should carefully find out what their metabolism's hot buttons are - for instance, I can get away with rice, but cheese and pasta... directly to my midrift. One has to know where to immediately cut down when an abrupt change is forced, so to limit the damage. Any abrupt changes are done at your peril, and should not be risked unless you have no choice, because there is usually a price to pay.

@Lise -- what is frustrating for me is that the same people who are horrified that I'm still running are the ones who think it's silly to avoid deli meat, uncooked/unpasteurized soft cheeses, etc. These would also be the same ones who think it's silly to insist on putting a newborn on his/her back to sleep, can't understand why car seats are a big deal, etc. Because, of course, they are all women who had their children more than 40 years ago when few (if anyone) made a big deal about any of these things, "and my children turned out fine..." The thing is, they're not entirely wrong -- some of the "new rules" are based on solid, provable science, while others are based on less solid ground, or the odds of the issue happening are infinitesimal, but docs feel like they have to issue EVERY warning because what happens that one time they don't, and someone gets hurt, dies, etc. So, I'd just kindly ask that these women please trust that I am listening to my doctor and using my own good sense in sifting through all these various rules.

My mother (whose last child -- me -- was born 42 years ago) is usually pretty good about this. She didn't have car seats and booster seats for her kids. She never made them wear helmets when they were roller skating, roller blading or riding bikes. And both of her kids are perfectly fine today. But she also recognizes that we were just lucky that she didn't get into any car accidents back then, and we were just lucky that we didn't have anything other than the occasional scratched knees and elbows from spills while skating or riding, etc.

Re: Lisa
And this is what bothers ME: that there are so many thinking that, because it was fine with them, then it's fine with everybody and nothing could possibly go wrong because nothing did for THEM. I doesn't work like that in real life, people are not generic, and nobody is at the centre of the world dictating what the universal criterion in!

Re: Lisa
And I think the ones giving you flak about running all the while poo-pooing the new awareness about deli meat (50% salt) and raw milk are still living back in the time of their youth, and going by what was current by then - including the notion that pregnant woman is some kind of handicapped animal that should be treated like she's about to break in two.