Recently
Lopsided Open Marriage
Dear Annie: My husband and I have been happily married for 15 years and recently decided to try an open-marriage lifestyle. We are doing this with full honesty and respect for each other.
The main problem is that the dating success is not equal. I …Read more.
Who's Not Following Up on Child Abuse Reports?
Dear Annie: I am a single mom of a 4-year-old boy who is being abused by my ex-husband and his wife. After a visit, he comes home bruised and scratched with black eyes. He has had scabies more than a dozen times. The worst thing is that my son was …Read more.
Happy Mother's Day
Dear Readers: Happy Mother's Day. Please phone your mother, grandmother, mother-in-law, stepmother or foster mother and wish them the best. And our special good wishes to all the new mommies who are celebrating their very first Mother's Day. Also, …Read more.
Thank You, Mom and Dad
Dear Annie: I am writing a long overdue thank-you note to my parents. They are faithful readers of your column. Mom and Dad, I am thankful that:
You stood your ground and did not give in to me, even when I threw fits and demanded my way.
You …Read more.
more articles
|
The Other Woman Not Sitting Right with The Other Man
Dear Annie: I'm a gay man and have been with my boyfriend for four years. I know he's bisexual, but I guess I didn't understand. He told me recently that he wants to have a girlfriend in addition to seeing me. I understand the logic, but I don't like it. I don't feel threatened. I know he loves me, and he's not going to replace me with another guy. He views our relationship as steady. I'm sure if he ever settles down, it will be with me.
I have a five-year head start over this girl, but it doesn't sit right with me. Whenever I bring up concerns about sharing him or what the future will be like, he says we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Annie, what if he wants a child — or decides to marry a woman to avoid the stigma of being gay? He'd still expect me to hang on. And whenever I issue an ultimatum about not dating anyone else, he says I'm allowed to leave whenever I want. I don't know whether he doesn't care or knows I don't really mean it.
I love him and want to be with him forever, but I don't think I could get used to being "the other man." What do I do? — Confused and Hurt from North Dakota
Dear North Dakota: It doesn't matter whether your boyfriend is gay, straight, bisexual or from another planet. He wants to have someone else in his bed, and you apparently don't consider this cheating. You say his heart belongs to you, and yet you believe he could marry someone else. He isn't being fair to you. You know this, which is why it doesn't "sit right," but you permit it to continue because somewhere in your head, you are convinced he is committed to you. He is not. He is manipulating you into sticking around while he plays the field.
After five years, it might be a good idea to set him free. If you are still available when he's ready to settle down, he can contact you then. Otherwise, you are only making yourself miserable and anxious.
Dear Annie: I took my 13-year-old cat to the vet yesterday and found out she has diabetes that is treatable. I will be learning how to give her shots.
I don't drive, so my mom gave me a ride back from the vet, and I told her the diagnosis. She said, "You might want to put her down if you're not able to give her the shots."
Why would a person think so negatively? Why would she advise me to do such a thing when I've barely had an opportunity to start administering care? Mom has a cat that's not nearly as sweet as mine, but it's not as if she doesn't understand. Please tell people to keep their negative attitude to themselves — Iowa
Dear Iowa: Mom was probably projecting her attitude onto you. She might not be as willing to take such care of her cat and uttered that thought aloud. Most people do not intend to say unkind, negative things. They simply open their mouths before their brains are in gear. Please forgive her.
Dear Annie: "Soon To Be Family Outcast" asked whether she had to attend a wedding in Canada, saying passports are too expensive. You answered the question, but you didn't address her comment about passports.
One can get a passport card for about $55. If that is still beyond her means, she can look into an Enhanced Driver's License. — Michael in Indianapolis
Dear Michael: We're happy to clarify. An Enhanced Driver's License allows land or sea travel between the U.S. and Canada and, at the moment, is available in only four states. For information, contact getyouhome.gov. Passport cards (also land and sea travel) are issued by the U.S. Dept. of State (travel.state.gov).
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2013 CREATORS.COM 
|
 |
Comments
|
58 Comments | Post Comment
|
|
LW1 -
I can see a number of problems here.
"I know he loves me, and he's not going to replace me with another guy. He views our relationship as steady. I'm sure if he ever settles down, it will be with me."
You can't be sure of that. The guy is bi, I guess you STILL don't understand: he swings both ways, he could VERY well decide he wants to marry this girl for all kinds of reasons, fatherhood being one of them. Anyone he's seeing on the side is a threat.
"Whenever I bring up concerns about sharing him or what the future will be like, he says we'll cross that bridge when we come to it"
That's a way of heading you off at the path without being direct about anything, so that he can have his cake and eat it too.
"And whenever I issue an ultimatum about not dating anyone else, he says I'm allowed to leave whenever I want."
You should not issue an ultimatum you are not prepared to follow through. The minute your bluff is called, you end up in dodo land, and that's exactly where you are right now.
"I don't know whether he doesn't care or knows I don't really mean it."
Both.
"I love him and want to be with him forever, but I don't think I could get used to being "the other man." What do I do?"
You decide which one you prefer between moving on or being either Wife #2 or the Other Man, because those are your options right now. And if you can say things like "He'd still expect me to hang on", it's because deep down inside, you know where you stand in this relationship is on very shaky ground. I'm sorry.
P.S.: The Annies are right that you don't seem to consider it cheating from the moment the other one is a woman. How flattering that you should be so dismissive of the female gender. Newsflash: penetration is SEX, and sex with someone else is CHEATING. What the Annies said.
LW2 -
Why would she say that? Because she herself feels incapable lof giving a cat her shots if she ever had to. Projection 101.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Thu Mar 28, 2013 9:28 PM
|
|
|
|
LW1: Do you really need to write into an advice columnist about this? Seriously, are people this dumb?
Comment: #2
Posted by: Soozan
Thu Mar 28, 2013 9:44 PM
|
|
|
|
LW1: The Annie's got this right - this guy's boyfriend ticks me off, using the guise of being "bisexual" to justify multiple partners. I'll qualify that I have no problem with open or multi-partner relationships, as long as all partners are 100% on board. Anyway, think about it as if this were a straight caucasian couple, then the husband says "but honey, I'm also attracted to Asian women, I'm going to need you to be OK with me exploring that side of my persona". E.g., the fact that one partner is attracted to various types of people is neither here nor there in a committed relationship.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Steve C
Thu Mar 28, 2013 10:02 PM
|
|
|
|
* * * * PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT * * * *
LW3 refers to the second letter on 6 February 2013.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Miss Pasko
Thu Mar 28, 2013 10:44 PM
|
|
|
|
LW1: Cheating is cheating. If you want a monogamous relationship, this guy is not for you. It's not because he's bisexual; it's because he doesn't want to be monogamous. Find a man who wants what you want.
LW2: Your mom is projecting. Some people are squeamish about getting and giving shots, but it's really no big deal. I give my cat allergy shots every few weeks. It's easy to learn and do, and she seems to know that the medicine is helping her. She likes the extra attention too. Your mom said what she said in a moment of fear. Try not to hold it against her.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Baldrz
Thu Mar 28, 2013 11:30 PM
|
|
|
|
Re LW1: Your boyfriend is feeding you a line of BS if he claims that being bisexual means that he must have sex with other people. If you're looking for a committed, monogamous relationship, he isn't the one. Let him go and find someone who deserves you.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Bear
Fri Mar 29, 2013 1:44 AM
|
|
|
|
Re LW1: Your boyfriend is feeding you a line of BS if he claims that being bisexual means that he must have sex with other people. If you're looking for a committed, monogamous relationship, he isn't the one. Let him go and find someone who deserves you.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Bear
Fri Mar 29, 2013 1:44 AM
|
|
|
|
LW1 - I agree wholeheartedly with the Annies and the other posters who say the LW's partner is a cheater and it doesn't matter whether he's cheating with another man or a woman, and it's certainly not going to change as long as the LW is willing to accept it. He is NOT committed to the LW and doesn't want a monogamous relationship. The LW should DTMFA.
.
LW2 - Some people are committed to caring for their pets, and some aren't. Obviously the LW's mother is one of those people who is not, and who feels that if pets become "too much trouble" they should be euthanized. I'm more in favor of the PEOPLE who act that way being euthanized! If you can't take care of your pet as though it were a member of your family, then don't have pets. They aren't like an appliance that gets tossed out when it doesn't work right any more. Do NOT get me started on this ;)
Comment: #8
Posted by: Kitty
Fri Mar 29, 2013 2:32 AM
|
|
|
|
LW1: Being bisexual does not mean that you can get away with having both a girlfriend and a boyfriend at the same time. BTW, does the girlfriend know about you? You need to find where you put your self-respect and leave.
LW2: Sounds like something my mother would say.
LW3: IIRC, the original LW wasn't the travelling type and didn't think s/he would use the passport again. I agree that they are not wildly expensive, but original LW didn't really want to go anyway.
Comment: #9
Posted by: PuaHone
Fri Mar 29, 2013 3:24 AM
|
|
|
|
Re: LW1, I think I agree with Baldrz the most -- but I will say that the boyfriend isn't a cheater *yet*, because this still remains a theoretical conversation with the LW.
What is happening is that, regardless of being bisexual, the boyfriend wants a non-monogamous relationship; the LW is obviously not completely on board with this idea.
Non-monogamy can work, and work long-term, if both partners make sure they are putting their primary partner first and foremost all the time; but it already sounds like the boyfriend isn't doing that, and they are just *discussing* opening up their relationship, not actually doing it.
The boyfriend is clearly putting his needs and desires above the feelings and apprehensions of the LW, and that means that, even if the LW does allow the relationship to be open, it won't be a success.
There are two alternatives I would offer to LW to discuss with his boyfriend: (1) you could suggest that yes, he can sleep with women, but he cannot have a steady girlfriend, just short-term flings; or (2) you could flip his ultimatum back on him and say that you simply are not comfortable with him having a second long-term relationship with anyone other than you, and that if he doesn't like it, he can leave. You can even say that "this isn't what I signed up for when we started dating, and since you are the one trying to change the rules, I get to say no. If you really cannot live without having a long-term girlfriend, then you have to live without me."
I'm afraid I don't see any other options, and I think you and your boyfriend need to have some serious conversations about the future, possibly with a counselor, if this relationship has any hope of continuing.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Mike H
Fri Mar 29, 2013 3:29 AM
|
|
|
|
LW2, I have a beloved miniature greyhound who is nearly 16 years old. His sight is nearly gone, his hearing is nearly gone, and he struggles to get up and out of bed. But he still has his appetite, and he can still walk and sometimes even trot, and he still loves to curl up and cuddle on the couch. I have had a neighbor or two ask me about him and say "maybe he's telling you it's time to go." I think it mostly is meant well, because none of us wants a beloved pet to suffer longer than they should, and these neighbors remember him as a younger, more vibrant dog, and it's a bit difficult to remember that dog and compare him with the dog he is today. But since I specifically asked the vet if it was time to think about that option, and the vet said "no", and talked with me about the signs I should look for to make that decision, and that my dog is still enjoying his life even if it is at a slower pace, I'm comfortable with letting those people know that "not yet, it's not quite that time." So, there may be a kinder interpretation behind such a negative comment from your mother, because none of us wants to keep a pet alive that is suffering, and that may be part, or all, of what she was trying to convey. Ultimately it is your decision, and you'll know when its time.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Mike H
Fri Mar 29, 2013 3:44 AM
|
|
|
|
LW1 - I agree with everyone else here. Cheating is cheating, regardless of whether it's with a man or a woman. If you want a monogamous relationship, this guy isn't for you. He has told you flat out he wants to be with other people. If you can't handle that, then you need to let him go. And since he openly tells you, "Then leave," whenever you bring it up, that means he's not serious about you.
You're also contradicting yourself. At first you said you don't feel threatened and are sure that if he settles down, it would be with you. But then you mentioned his passive attitude about your future and then you ask about him marrying a woman. That shows that you really do feel threatened and are really not sure about his decision with settling down.
Do yourself a favor and let him go. He is not interested in being soley with you.
LW2 - It is likely that she is projecting her feelings onto you. Or maybe she's just a negative person all around. Some people are just negative all the time and have nothing positive to say ever.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Michelle
Fri Mar 29, 2013 3:44 AM
|
|
|
|
LW2 - Three years ago, my beloved Westie, Kerry, was diagnosed as diabetic. I completely freaked out, knowing that for the rest of her life I would have to give her two shots a day. But I settled down, learned how to do it, learned how to run a glucose curve so that we (the vet and I) knew we were giving her the appropriate amount of insulin to manage the situation, and everything is fine now. About six months into treatment, the vet told me that around 50% of pet owners, when given the diagnosis of diabetes, will elect to put their pet down. In the vets office, they now call Kerry the poster child for excellent diabetic management and even though she's already 10 years old, I anticipate another five with her in healthy condition. Don't let your mother put you off - you can do it.
Comment: #13
Posted by: TracyR288
Fri Mar 29, 2013 3:48 AM
|
|
|
|
LW3, I think I've said this before, but I can't imagine not having my passport, even though I know that less than half of all Americans have one.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Mike H
Fri Mar 29, 2013 3:49 AM
|
|
|
|
Mike, is your "miniature greyhound" a whippet? I envy you either way - I used to have a whippet and they are without a doubt (they and greyhounds!) only the sweetest dogs on the planet. And so beautiful. The very thought of what happens to them at the hands of some racing breeders in Florida when they can't win races makes my blood boil.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Fri Mar 29, 2013 4:22 AM
|
|
|
|
LW1: He tells you that you will cross that bridge when you get there - you are already there. Dump him, he's not being respectful to you.
LW2: I have a Diabetic dog. We give him shots twice a day. It's not difficult to do at all. We get the insulin and syringes from Sam's Club. When it's time for Mickey's shot, which is given right after he eats (so the insulin doesn't cause hypoglycemia), we say to Mickey: ready for shot and treat? He gets ver excited and stands still until we administer the shot and then we give him a treat (piece of green pepper or a green bean). It becomes routine very quickly. It's a commitment, but if you love your pet, it's an easy commitment - unfortunately, some people don't understand that.
You will be fine and so will your cat when you start your new routine. BTW, for some cats, after being on insulin for a while (not sure how long), their diabetes goes away. Not true for dogs though.
Comment: #16
Posted by: j
Fri Mar 29, 2013 4:26 AM
|
|
|
|
Sorry if this gets posted twice:
LW1: He told you that "you will cross that bridge when you get to it". You've been at that bridge for a while. He's being very disrespectful to you. Dump him and find someone who is committed to you, and only you. Seems like things are his way or you can take the highway. Kick him to the curb - he's in your face, blatantly cheating on you.
LW2: We have a Diabetic dog who gets an insulin shot twice a day (12 hours a apart) right after he eats. Giving an insulin shot is not hard at all. Your Vet will show you how to do it. Our routine is that after Mickey (Schnauzeranian - Schnauzer/Pomeranian Mix)) eats his meal, we say to him: Mickey, are you ready for your shot and treat? He gets happily excited, then stands still, we give him the shot and then he gets his treat (usually a piece of green pepper or a green bean). It becomes a quick routine in no time. It is a commitment, because in order for them to survive, they must get these shots. That said, with cats you have an advantage, because sometimes after being on insulin for a while (not sure how long), Diabetes has been known to reverse itself - ask your Vet about this. Unfortunately, not true in dogs.
Putting a pet down because it developed Diabetes is unconscionable, but people have been known to do it. What a waste. I think in your case, your mom just doesn't understand that it is so manageable.
Comment: #17
Posted by: j
Fri Mar 29, 2013 4:42 AM
|
|
|
|
LW1--The fact that your boyfriend is bisexual is irrelevant. What your boyfriend is trying to coerce you into doing is allowing him to see someone else on the side. If being part of a "triad", which is what these sorts of relationships are called, wasn't what you signed up for than your only option is to get out. My advice would be to get out anyway because it seems to me that your boyfriend is what I like to call a player and that you seem naive, gullible and have low enough self-esteem to swallow practically any line he feeds you. Your boyfriend will start with something like this and bit by bit he'll wear you down so that you give in to any suggestion. Project yourself forward to envision what kind of lifestyle you'll be living in five years. Maybe you'll be home alone babysitting and keeping house while your boyfriend is out gallivanting with his latest boyfriend, girlfriend or tranny hooker. DTMFA!
LW2--Oh yeah because with the publication of your little diatribe, millions of people the world over are suddenly going to keep their negative attitudes to themselves. Congratulations on achieving world peace. Coming back down to earth, let's be realistic. Did it occur to you that perhaps your mother was simply being a realist? If I lived alone and my 13 year old cat were given such a diagnosis I would have no choice but to put the animal down because I work all day and travel frequently. Not to mention, a 13 year old cat with diabetes is going to quickly deteriorate as its diet is disrupted. In case you haven't noticed, cats are picky eaters. As a second thought, maybe your mother isn't into anthropomorphizing animals the way you obviously do. I don't care how sweet you think your precious cat is, if you fell in a gutter and couldn't get up that cat would leave you in a heartbeat. Trust me.
LW3--Why are all these clods forgetting that it's not only the passport. It's also the gas, any car maintenance, hotels, food, etc. Road trips are not cheap. If the couple can't afford to go, then send regrets and forget about it. It's a wedding for God's sake, not the sacred union of man and a space alien queen of Enceladus.
Comment: #18
Posted by: Chris
Fri Mar 29, 2013 5:29 AM
|
|
|
|
Being bisexual is not an excuse. I am bisexual and MONOGAMOUS. He just can't manage to commit to you. Move on and give yourself 5 months to get over him. (One month for every year has always been my rule of thumb.) There are other fish in the sea, and ones that will want to be exclusive.
Comment: #19
Posted by: Lilykun
Fri Mar 29, 2013 6:05 AM
|
|
|
|
LW1: I'd say break up with him. He's trying to tell you that he no longer wants a relationship with the LW. It most likely isn't personal ... he wants out.
I wouldn't call him a player (as Chris suggests), nor would I say he's a user nor even one who's after a hot-looking chick. Not even close on any of those counts. I would call him confused ... he's trying to figure out what exactly he wants in a long-term relationship – hence, his teetering on seeing a woman after a long relationship with the LW. He may well want a child and to be a family man, or he may never truly figure out who he is.
To the LW: Before you end things, do have a talk with him. Don't be confrontational, but do ask firmly what exactly he wants. Because he's got a choice to make. He can't have his cake and eat it too.
LW2: I'd say as long as you can take care of the cat and manage her health, great. I do suspect you're older (you say you don't drive and your mother took you and the cat to the vet), so I wonder if what she's trying to say is, "I'm not taking care of her (the cat) if you can no longer do so," and is concerned that eventually she will eventually be asked.
I wouldn't worry about that right now, however.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Bobaloo
Fri Mar 29, 2013 6:10 AM
|
|
|
|
And another thing about LW1 -
Does the girl know? Nobody seems to care one hoot or a holler about her.
Comment: #21
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Mar 29, 2013 6:12 AM
|
|
|
|
We had a lovely, sweet-tempered calico named Olympia who became diabetic. I handled the morning shot while my husband was at school and he handled the evening one while I was at work. Years later, we each had to regularly self-inject for different reasons, but it was an easy adaption after seeing how easily the cat had handled it. She lasted eight years after starting insulin. How dreadful not to have had that extra time with her.
Comment: #22
Posted by: Answermam
Fri Mar 29, 2013 6:25 AM
|
|
|
|
@Tracy #13
Mister Trinidad is diabetic, so when I was with him, I learned to give him his insulin shot so a place he had no access to could be used. Unless someone suffers from a needle phobia, it's no big deal. Timing the shots with the animal,s food intake is more of a problem in the case of cats, who don't gobble down their food like there is no tomorrow like dogs.
But some people don't care about their pets enough to bother, for them a pet is just an animated toy, not a truly living being. Sometimes they're like that with people too!
Well, I would give my sweet kitties their shot if they needed it. Well-managed diabetes causes no suffering and you can live your entire life with it. Mister Trinidad has been insulin-dependent for some 35 years now. I certainly don't see him being in need of being "put down", and he's pushing 80!
@Chris #18
"if you fell in a gutter and couldn't get up that cat would leave you in a heartbeat. Trust me."
That's simply not true. Cats have been known to rescue people in a house on fire. Some cats are more loyal than others.
Look, I can understand if you have to be gone all day and sometimes have to travel, and therefore are not available for two shots a day on a cat.
But that doesn't excuse disposing of the cat like it's trash. At least make a genuine effort finding a home for him, should your cat ever develop such a problem. Both my cats are rescue animals. There are be some people willing to oblige, knowing that if they don't take him in, the cat will have to be euthanised.
Comment: #23
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Mar 29, 2013 6:46 AM
|
|
|
|
I'm bisexual, have been living with the same woman for 16 years , no other women on the side, and have had a boyfriend as well for three years. They both know about each other and are fine with it, and even like each other and are caring of each other's feelings. These open relationships can and do work if ALL parties are on board. LW 1 seems unsure he could live with that, which is fair enough. I'm more concerned about his partner's lackadaisical attitude. He doesn't sound like he cares all that much for the LW.
I'd just caution straight people here BTL not to project their own conventional values about monogamy on bi and gay relationships. It's not all black & white as some of you seem to think.
Comment: #24
Posted by: WinehouseFan
Fri Mar 29, 2013 6:50 AM
|
|
|
|
@Lise, I don't think there IS a girl on the side yet -- she's still theoretical at this point, I believe, based on the way the LW talks about "a woman", not "the woman". Which is at least a half-point in the boyfriend's favor, he's asking permission first.
@Maggie, no, my little guy is even smaller than a whippet, he's an italian greyhound. But I agree, big, medium, or little, they are the sweetest dogs.
Comment: #25
Posted by: Mike H
Fri Mar 29, 2013 6:53 AM
|
|
|
|
@WinehouseFan, #24, agreed! But don't leave straight people out of this equation either -- plenty of them have unconventional relationships themselves, they are just more likely to be on the "down low" about it.
Comment: #26
Posted by: Mike H
Fri Mar 29, 2013 6:55 AM
|
|
|
|
LW2: I met a lady in Florida whose dog was seventeen years old. It was deaf, blind (eyes missing blind) paralyzed, and incontinent. It was wrapped up in a diaper and left on the floor of the laundry room (door open of course so it could be seen) with a barrier to keep it from rolling out of there. Rolling was the only way this poor animal could move. A few times a day it was taken out side, the diaper removed, and was allowed to roll around on the lawn. The owner confessed that she simply could not bring herself to put the dog down. I looked at this poor animal and only saw a dog existing because someone was to self absorbed to see that the animal was a shell of what it was. So I guess my point is if an elderly animal is in good health (my dog, Ellie is 16.5 years old) there is no age limit. Diabetes is treatable and it should be up to the owner's discretion as to what is appropriate. However I get grieved for the poor elderly animals that are kept alive at all costs just to appease their owners' fear of loss. Lets face it, death is inevitable, it can't be stopped and to me it seems prolonging life at any cost just because you can only makes living more painful.
Comment: #27
Posted by: commentator
Fri Mar 29, 2013 7:50 AM
|
|
|
|
LW1 - Agree w ith Annie's on this; it's time to let this relationship go. Gender and sexual orientations have nothing to do with this. Since you're obviously not getting what you want, and he's not getting what he wants, there is little point in staying together.
Comment: #28
Posted by: Paul W
Fri Mar 29, 2013 7:52 AM
|
|
|
|
LW!: Annie's have this one. Regardless of the sexual orientation of you and your partner, if you stand for this than prepare to be a door mat until he finally leaves you.. If you have stated your dislike for this change in your relationship and your partner doesn't seem to care than it's pretty obvious he doesn't care about you as much as you care about him. I'd hit the road. His heart may grow fonder after you leave however I have a feeling this could be his way to telling you he wants' to end the relationship however he just can't speak the words.
Comment: #29
Posted by: commentator
Fri Mar 29, 2013 8:02 AM
|
|
|
|
Re LW#1----
You don't really say whether there was ever an agreement for monogamy. If not, your choice is to accept or leave (especially since you've threatened to do so if he brings someone else into the relationship, and he said "Go ahead"). Very simple. You want one thing, he wants another.
.
And even if there WAS an agreement of monogamy, he now wants to change it. So, same thing. You can either:
1) Accept and stay
2) Leave
.
And gender of any of the parties doesn't enter into it.
Monogamous heterosexual relationship? You get ONE person of the opposite sex.
Monogamous homosexual relationship? You get ONE person of the same sex.
Monogamous bisexual relationship? You get ONE person of whichever sex you choose. (You don't get to say "Hey, since I'm bisexual I can have one of each"-----not unless both/all your partners agree. And then, of course, you're no longer monogamous.)
.
He is plainly telling you he wants to add an opposite-sex person to the mix, and you don't want it. This is not a 'reconcilable difference'. Not to mention the fact that he's already made his choice-------you accept and stay, OR, in his words, you're 'allowed to leave whenever you want'.
.
And stop issuing ultimatums you don't follow through on, all they do is let the person you issue them to know that you have no spine and your ultimatums mean nothing.
Comment: #30
Posted by: jennylee
Fri Mar 29, 2013 8:12 AM
|
|
|
|
Why are all these clods forgetting that it's not only the passport. It's also the gas, any car maintenance, hotels, food, etc. Road trips are not cheap.
*****
Um, probably because "all these clods" read the letter (thank you, Miss Pasko) and saw that LW herself tells us the objection is the passport and only the passport:
"My husband and I do not own passports, nor would we ever buy them, because they are expensive and we would never use them again. We have traveled to other family weddings within the United States, but we don't feel we should be pressured to attend a wedding out of the country. We can't afford it."
IOW, they willingly shoulder travel costs as long as the destination is within the U.S. It's the passport expense and only the passport expense. .
Well, that and their fear of traveling anywhere outside the U.S. My guess is that she would find it "too expensive" even if the passport cost was 10 cents. She does not want to leave the country; apparently, the fact that they were invited to this wedding constitutes "pressure" to leave their beloved native soil.
Comment: #31
Posted by: hedgehog
Fri Mar 29, 2013 8:18 AM
|
|
|
|
Why are all these clods forgetting that it's not only the passport. It's also the gas, any car maintenance, hotels, food, etc. Road trips are not cheap.
*****
Um, probably because "all these clods" read the letter (thank you, Miss Pasko) and saw that LW herself tells us the objection is the passport and only the passport:
"My husband and I do not own passports, nor would we ever buy them, because they are expensive and we would never use them again. We have traveled to other family weddings within the United States, but we don't feel we should be pressured to attend a wedding out of the country. We can't afford it."
IOW, they willingly shoulder travel costs as long as the destination is within the U.S. It's the passport expense and only the passport expense. .
Well, that and their fear of traveling anywhere outside the U.S. My guess is that she would find it "too expensive" even if the passport cost was 10 cents. She does not want to leave the country; apparently, the fact that they were invited to this wedding constitutes "pressure" to leave their beloved native soil.
Comment: #32
Posted by: hedgehog
Fri Mar 29, 2013 8:18 AM
|
|
|
|
"And whenever I issue an ultimatum about not dating anyone else, he says I'm allowed to leave whenever I want."
There's your answer, LW. That's almost as cruel as "I feel ya." It's your boyfriend's way of saying "F*ck you and your needs." Please get out. You can do so much better
Comment: #33
Posted by: Casey
Fri Mar 29, 2013 8:22 AM
|
|
|
|
LW1- Could it be that your boyfriend is acting like a jerk so that you break up with him, and then he can blame you for the demise of the relationship? Gay or straight, what he is suggesting is not acceptable. Show some love for yourself, and get out of this relationship. He does not have your best interest at heart, so you must.
LW2- Years ago, my aunt took care of her diabetic schnauser. She was the most squeemish person on the planet, so if she could do it, I bet you can. Giving the shots will become part of your routine, and you will get to keep your pal healthy for many years. Maybe your mom is skeptical because she has to nag you to keep your room clean, or something, and she wonders if you are up to the responsibility. If you step up for your kitty's care, you maybe you will impress your mother and she will see that you are maturing nicely.
Comment: #34
Posted by: Patty Bear
Fri Mar 29, 2013 8:25 AM
|
|
|
|
@Commentataor - #27 - You are talking about quality of life. How deeply disturbing that the dog in Florida's owner was so selfish that she let that poor dog suffer like that. What a horrible quality of life - in a case like that, putting the dog down would have been a kindness and act of love. That said, a diagnosis of diabetes for an otherwise healthy pet does not reduce its quality of life. It is an absolutely manageable condition, but is a commitment. You adopt a pet and hope for the best, but they do get conditions down the line. If a person does not expect to commit to taking care of this pet in the event of an illness, they should do it a favor and pass on it, because there are plenty of people out there who will make that commitment. I'm one of them. I have two special needs dogs who developed their conditions later in life - they are members of our family. Mickey, our Diabetic dog was also adopted missing one of his back legs - yet, he runs around, and up and down stairs like he was born that way (which he wasn't - he lost it due to abuse). My point is, that if a person decides to adopt a pet, expect to be in it for the long haul - in sickness and in health, because they are not disposable just because the going gets tough.
Comment: #35
Posted by: j
Fri Mar 29, 2013 8:36 AM
|
|
|
|
Re: Chris
You.
Are.
OBNOXIOUS!!!!
Comment: #36
Posted by: clemma
Fri Mar 29, 2013 8:40 AM
|
|
|
|
Re: j #35
Well said!
Comment: #37
Posted by: Kitty
Fri Mar 29, 2013 8:56 AM
|
|
|
|
Re: WinehouseFan #24
Personally, I have no problem with any set-up as long as everything is upfront and everyone is happy. After all, many countries on Earth live with polygamy, and I'd wager to say it is a satisfactory arrangement in many, many cases.
@Mike H #25
Maybe it's still theorical at this point, and MAYBE he's asking permission... But, cavalier as he sounds, I doubt he cares that much about the LW's feelings. He could very easily just be testing the waters before he presents the LW with the fait accompli. Been there, seen that.
At any rate, the LW is awfully naive to think that "I'm sure if he ever settles down, it will be with me", after being told bluntly that he's "allowed to leave whenever he wants". Sounds like wishful thinking to me!
@Commentator #27
"Lets face it, death is inevitable, it can't be stopped and to me it seems prolonging life at any cost just because you can only makes living more painful."
You can bet the rent this would be kind of person who refuses to pull the plug on a parent going through agony, and who would go all the way to the Supreme Court to contest a Living Will.
Comment: #38
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Mar 29, 2013 8:58 AM
|
|
|
|
Re: j
Kudos to you for taking in a rescue dog who was not a puppy, already handicapped and had been abused! I'm sure this lovely dog is repaying you in love and devotion a hundredfold, just like my two kitties are doing with me! And some of them do remember, and make the difference between their life with you and the one they had before.
Comment: #39
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Mar 29, 2013 9:02 AM
|
|
|
|
Regarding LW1, I sure hope, for the chosen woman's sake, that the boyfriend is brutally honest about his sexual orientation and relationship with LW1.
LW2 - if you are unable to drive, your mother who's obviously older than you, has to haul you around everywhere. Perhaps this is a burden to her and she can envision extra trips to the vet for insulin/injectors/checkups? Additionally, if the reason that you are unable to drive is because of an acute medical condition, perhaps your poor mom doesn't see herself as capable of having to fill that gap if you become sick. Don't get me wrong, I love my pets and care for them well, but you must consider that this is your responsbility, not your mother's. She has a right to her boundaries.
Comment: #40
Posted by: Danielle
Fri Mar 29, 2013 9:15 AM
|
|
|
|
@ hedgehog
Yes, I did read the letter and what's your point? So assume some charitable friend pays for the passports. Is every other expense the couple incurs (which will far surpass the cost of the passports) nothing? Get real. As I interpreted the letter, it seemed clear that the passports were simply an excuse. This couple clearly didn't want to attend the wedding out of country or go to the trouble of getting there. How hard is it to simply RSVP "no" and stay home?
Comment: #41
Posted by: Chris
Fri Mar 29, 2013 9:15 AM
|
|
|
|
@Lise, oh, agreed, the way the boyfriend is talking so cavalierly about "you can leave", that's a very bad sign. And I suppose he could have a girlfriend on the side already, but there's no way we can know -- and there's frankly already enough to warn the LW about even without adding a potential lie to the mix, too!
@Chris, the thing is, depending on where you live in the US, it can be *more* expense to travel to the opposite coast than traveling to Canada or Mexico. Since they obviously have no trouble traveling within the US (and that kind of travel can be costly enough), the passport issue seems odd -- and is almost certainly as you suggest, an excuse not to go to a wedding they didn't want to go to.
It's just weirdly worded and somewhat xenophobic, the way the original LW put it.
But I can tell you it's *way* cheaper for me to get to Toronto or Montreal than it is for me to get to San Francisco or Los Angeles. Including $55 for a new passport, if I needed it!
I agree, rather than all the hand-wringing, she should just RSVP "no", and figure out how to deal with the questions she'll get as a result -- if she can't find any way to get over her weird fear of crossing the border, which seems unlikely.
Comment: #42
Posted by: Mike H
Fri Mar 29, 2013 9:27 AM
|
|
|
|
Thanks Lise and Kitty. And Lise, you are so right about adult dogs. I believe they do remember and they know the difference, because their gratitude is shown in so many ways.
Comment: #43
Posted by: j
Fri Mar 29, 2013 10:16 AM
|
|
|
|
Lise:
I guess that's my point. I adore my pets and they have ALL lived to old, old age. However, when I knew their quality of life “existed” in pain, I made the decision to go ahead and let them go and I held them as they made that final pass. And contrary to Christian opinion, I believe animals go back to God so I don't feel that they will never be anymore. After all, God created them before Man, according to the good book.
For some reason we have become so afraid of death that so many people force those they “love” to go through horrible tortures to preserve their lives at whatever cost.
Comment: #44
Posted by: commentator
Fri Mar 29, 2013 10:31 AM
|
|
|
|
Re: The other women,not sitting right with the other man.
Apperantly you are living in a fanatisy world,which you belive your "boyfriend" is really into a committed relationship at this time.Stop living in a cloud and WAKE UP,MOVE ON!What you belive is love is you yourself inscure and believing you don't deserve a better partener whom has the same hopes and dreams,as you.Before getting into another relationship take time to get to know yourself 'YOU." This will allow you to have the committed relationship you believe you are in.
Comment: #45
Posted by: Lori
Fri Mar 29, 2013 10:58 AM
|
|
|
|
Yes, I did read the letter and what's your point? So assume some charitable friend pays for the passports. Is every other expense the couple incurs (which will far surpass the cost of the passports) nothing?
************
She wasn't complaining about those other costs, though, Chris.
Yes, the other expenses would likely far surpass the cost of the passports. But she willingly paid those costs .and traveled to other U.S. weddings, and it's quite possible the distance she traveled for those surpassed the distance to this Canadian wedding -- so reminding us of the many, many costs involved in a road trip is simply a red herring.
Of course she doesn't have to go to a wedding she doesn't want to go -- and I doubt she would even if someone bought them for her (or if, as I suggested, they were 10 cents).
My point is that her "too expensive!" complaint may look really, really stupid to family members talking about driving from Syracuse to Toronto. Particularly if the last family wedding required this couple to fly to Honolulu (or even Los Angeles or Omaha). "Too expensive!" doesn't make her look reasonable and sympathetic -- it makes her look ignorant.
Comment: #46
Posted by: hedgehog
Fri Mar 29, 2013 11:22 AM
|
|
|
|
Regarding the decision to euthanize a pet. Most dogs love riding in cars, so that final trip in the car would be enjoyable to them. Most cats (my sister has an exception) hate riding in cars, and I could not have my final time with a pet be something they detested. I have not yet ever had to euthanize a pet, but have already made sure that if I do, the vet will come to the house. Most of them will do so, and if yours doesn't please find one that will. If I ever to have to "let one of my cats go" I think it will be much easier on both of us without the trauma of going to the vet.
Comment: #47
Posted by: Girl Scout Leader
Fri Mar 29, 2013 11:36 AM
|
|
|
|
@J- How nice that you took in pets in need of extra TLC. I'm sure the love you get back from them makes it worth it. In my town, there is a 3 legged dog, and he runs around and plays like there is nothing amiss. I marvel at how our canine friends never sit around moaning about a horrible accident, or whatever took their body part away. They just get busy figuring out how to balance on 3 legs, or manage with one eye, or whatever. People could learn a lot from them.
Comment: #48
Posted by: Patty Bear
Fri Mar 29, 2013 11:54 AM
|
|
|
|
Re: Chris
Chris, while I agree that the passport was the excuse for the original LW, the real reason they objected was because they refuse to step out of US borders, not because of financial reasons - they clearly stated they had no objections going anywhere on US soil, where there will be "not cheap" travel expenses, hotels, etc.
And yet she claimed they didn't want to go because "they couldn't afford it", even though the only difference in terms of expenses was the price of the passport. Given the paltry sum involved, it's quite obviously not the real reason.
THIS is what posters commenting on the original letter objected to, along with the apparent conviction that the minute they step out of US soil, they'll fall off the edge of flat Earth and into an abyss full of monsters. So today's LW3's letter is a sword strike in the water, really, because the price of the passport was never the real issue.
Indeed why couldn't they just send their regrets? Apparently, a mere invitation to a wedding was enough to make them feel "pressured", although the real reason for that is as unadmitted as the one why they didn't want to go to the wedding. Very disingenrous people, who never tell it like it is.
@Commentator #44
"And contrary to Christian opinion, I believe animals go back to God so I don't feel that they will never be anymore. "
I'm sure they have their own corner of Heaven. Beings so full of selfless love can't possibly be shunned by the God of love. I don't know the Bible by heart, not by a long shot, but I can't think of anything in there that would contradict that. There is no theological reason why living beings wouldn't all have a soul - after all, all animals are supposed to be part of God's creation, including humans who are animals too.
@Hedgehog #46
"Too expensive!" doesn't make her look reasonable and sympathetic -- it makes her look ignorant."
It makes her look in bad faith, like someone who never admits the real reason for anything.
Comment: #49
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Mar 29, 2013 12:34 PM
|
|
|
|
I'm not sure where LW2 is getting his information, but a U.S. passport does NOT cost $55. According to the U.S. Travel Consulate, a new passport book is $110 plus a $25 processing fee. A renewed passport does not have the processing fee. The fees were raised in 2010. I realize the cost isn't the point, but the Annies need to correct that information because it's wrong. I wish they would fact-check, but most of the time they can't even be bothered to read the letter, much less perform due diligence on what it says.
Comment: #50
Posted by: lilypants
Fri Mar 29, 2013 12:34 PM
|
|
|
|
Re: lilypants
Perhaps LW3 is elderly and there is a senior discount in place?
Comment: #51
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Mar 29, 2013 12:54 PM
|
|
|
|
Actually lilypants, LW3 is completely correct. The passport book is $110, but the passport card is $55, and the LW specifically mentioned the card. The difference is that the passport card can't be used for international travel by air.
Comment: #52
Posted by: Seraina
Fri Mar 29, 2013 1:42 PM
|
|
|
|
Re: Seraina
If you get the passport card, can you upgrade later to a full passport book for an extra 55$, or do you have to shell out the full 110$? Just curious!
Comment: #53
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Mar 29, 2013 3:58 PM
|
|
|
|
@Lise, that's still just $11/year over the 10 years its good for! :-) But from the State Department's website, no, it doesn't look like it works that way -- if you've never had one before, it's $55 for a card, $135 for a passport, and $165 for both. (Why you'd want both is a bit of a mystery to me).
Renewals are $25 less for each category -- so $30/$110/$140 for card/passport/both.
I love my passport, and I'm a little old fashioned in that I actually think all the chops are kinda cool.
Comment: #54
Posted by: Mike H
Fri Mar 29, 2013 4:19 PM
|
|
|
|
Re: Mike H
Oh, I wasn't saying it was expensive. I was just wondering.
I don't have a valid passport right now, but what I miss most is going to New England to hit every garage sale and flea market.
Comment: #55
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Mar 29, 2013 4:58 PM
|
|
|
|
Yes, less than half of Americans have a passport, but let's not forget that it's roughly a 3300 mile drive from Maine to Seattle, while in the UK, for example, the furthest you can go without needing a passport is 850 miles. So it naturally makes sense that citizens of smaller countries will have a higher percentage of passport holders. Those who feel some sort of cultural superiority (or inferiority) about the the number of Americans holding passports are just being silly and disingenuous. But that never stops the "I hate America" crowd.
Morons.
Comment: #56
Posted by: Soozan
Fri Mar 29, 2013 5:12 PM
|
|
|
|
Re: Soozan
I don't lnow if there are any people who feel some kind of "cultural superiority or inferiority about the the number of Americans holding passports". I certainly have seen no indication of that here one way or the other.
Comment: #57
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Mar 29, 2013 7:33 PM
|
|
|
|
LW1: LMAO Holy crap! How old are you? You sound like you have the emotional maturity of a three year old. Do you really need someone to tell you what to do? Grow up then man up.
LW2: You're an idiot. Instead of learning to deal with people you expect them to change to fit your needs. Ridiculous.
Comment: #58
Posted by: Diana
Tue Apr 2, 2013 3:50 PM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
