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Dear Annie: My husband and I have been happily married for 15 years and recently decided to try an open-marriage lifestyle. We are doing this with full honesty and respect for each other.
The main problem is that the dating success is not equal. I …Read more.
Who's Not Following Up on Child Abuse Reports?
Dear Annie: I am a single mom of a 4-year-old boy who is being abused by my ex-husband and his wife. After a visit, he comes home bruised and scratched with black eyes. He has had scabies more than a dozen times. The worst thing is that my son was …Read more.
Happy Mother's Day
Dear Readers: Happy Mother's Day. Please phone your mother, grandmother, mother-in-law, stepmother or foster mother and wish them the best. And our special good wishes to all the new mommies who are celebrating their very first Mother's Day. Also, …Read more.
Thank You, Mom and Dad
Dear Annie: I am writing a long overdue thank-you note to my parents. They are faithful readers of your column. Mom and Dad, I am thankful that:
You stood your ground and did not give in to me, even when I threw fits and demanded my way.
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PTSD in the Wake of Iraq
Dear Annie: My father, my brothers and I all served during Operation Iraqi Freedom. Only my father and I deployed to combat areas.
Dad retired five years ago and is showing drastic symptoms of PTSD. He is stockpiling food and medical supplies and keeps trying to get my wife and me to "prepare" for when "it all hits the fan." He spends hours a day obsessively watching the news and getting angry at the television. Our children used to spend time unsupervised with my parents, but that stopped when I found a loaded handgun in his bathroom cabinet.
My mother has broached the topic of therapy, and I've offered to go with him, as I've been wrestling with some mild PTSD issues myself. But my brothers intercede every time and say Dad's fine and it's no big deal, and they convince him not to go. I believe this is dangerous. I've been unable to find any home counseling services, and even our pastor says this is out of his realm of expertise. What other options are out there? — New York Son
Dear Son: You may have better luck getting your father to accept help if you approach this as a possible medical problem, rather than a psychiatric issue. We also suggest you ask him to join you for an exercise or yoga class, which can be useful for some PTSD sufferers. Also, please contact the VA's National Center for PTSD (ptsd.va.gov) or Military One Source (militaryonesource.mil) at 1-800-342-9647, and ask to speak to a counselor or get a referral to local military treatment facilities.
Dear Annie: My maternal grandparents passed within months of each other. My mother hated her parents and kept them away from us. I never knew them well.
I'm in my late 20s and have never been an emotional person. I went to my grandparents' funerals out of respect, but my sister went overboard, sobbing and moaning during the service even though she knew them less than I did. For weeks after, she emailed and texted me saying she couldn't sleep and that she'd never "fill the hole" the loss represented.
My sister and my parents say I'm heartless because I didn't respond this way. My mother actually upbraided me for not weeping sufficiently. People grieve in different ways. How do I nicely ask them to please stop crying on me because it's making me uncomfortable? — Not Grieving That Much
Dear Grieving: Unless someone is crying on you day after day, please try to tolerate what you can, and then gently extricate yourself. Pat them on the shoulder. Get them a seat. Ask if they need a tissue. Then walk away. You don't have to demonstrate such obvious mourning yourself. You are right that everyone grieves differently, and you are not obligated to put on a show. But it would be useful to learn how to convey sympathy to others, whether or not you believe they deserve it.
Dear Annie: I was surprised to learn that people register for housewarming gifts. I thought housewarming gifts were something simple like a loaf of bread, a bottle of wine or flowers. A neighbor brought me a cutting from a cactus that has bloomed on time for more than 40 years.
Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I thought you furnished your house yourself as you were able over the years. — Canaan, Conn.
Dear Canaan: Most guests bring gifts to a housewarming. A registry is a bit much, but there is nothing wrong with having a friend or relative make suggestions when asked.
Dear Readers: We are carrying on Ann Landers' tradition that April 2 be set aside as Reconciliation Day, a time to make the first move toward mending broken relationships. It also would be the day on which we agree to accept the olive branch extended by a former friend or estranged family member and do our best to start over.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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49 Comments | Post Comment
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LW No 1: there is no such thing as "local military treatment facilities" for the father who has PTSD for the vast majority of sufferers. Retired personnel can get help in two essential ways: first, they can go get free VA counseling at the nearest VA facility. This can extend to daily anf multiple weekly interaction on an inpatient or outpatient basis. Yes, they should call the number specified. Secondly, all retirees have a fantastic medical insurance program called TRICARE PRIME for retirees and their dependents who are essentially 23 and less. The father should have a complete physcial work up with a referral to a psychologist and/or psychiatrist for further assistance. The work done by the VA and Tricare should not be overlapping or confusing. The treatment is essentially free and the father might even be able to get a disability rating from it, if that is helpful (if finances are an issue). If he has been retired for five years, its POSSIBLE he has not seen a physcian in a long time.
How do I know this? I served in IRQ and AFG for 24 months and have a diagnosis of PTSD myself. I use the VA facilities and services frequently.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Patrick Turner
Mon Apr 1, 2013 9:12 PM
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LW1 -
What the Annies said. You might also want to talk to your brothers privately, and explain that the difference in severity of your father's experience and yours compared to theirs, makes for different results. If they can be made to understand that you and your father have reason to experience symptoms that they do not have, they might stop sabotaging your efforts. You might also advise your mother to stop mentioning therapy in front of your brothers.
LW2 -
I see no rational reason why your mother would expect you to play the professional Greek cryer for someone she herself made sure you were never close to. Perhaps there were unresolved issues that came to a head when they passed.
As for your sister, perhaps she was mourning the relationship that she never had, and can never have now that they're gone, and that is what she referred to without knowing it herself, when she talked about the "hole" the loss represented". For either of them, sounds like a classic case of overcompensation to me.
LW3 -
They can register to a registry all they want, for a house-warming party I'm bringing a fresh apple/cranberry/raisin pie I baked myself or a Mason jar of my famous spaghetti sauce.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Mon Apr 1, 2013 9:23 PM
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Re: Patrick Turner
Thank you for your service.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Mon Apr 1, 2013 9:24 PM
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Re: Patrick Turner - Thank you for your service; I am retired military, also with PTSD, and TRICARE Prime for retirees is ONLY for those that actually LIVE within 40 miles of a military treatment facility. Yes, this guys dad can go to a VA Hospital, but that is not the problem he is addressing - he sees in his father symptoms of PTSD - he needs medical care/treatment. Regardless of military service or not, it is difficult to get anyone to a doctor if they are not convinced they have a problem.
This gentleman is trying to figure out how to get his dad to AGREE to go get treatment - not where to take him.
My suggestion for him would be to speak to his siblings away from his parents, explain calmly why he thinks this is so serious, get help for himself as well, and then in getting the help HE needs, also ask for assistance in getting his father much needed help. It may require the brothers also helping (as long as they are on the same page). To get an adult committed to a mental institution, it takes 3 other competent adults signing paperwork that this person has a problem and/or his a harm to himself or others. That's why he needs to get his brothers on board and NOT minimize this issue.
As he learns more about PTSD, the best thing he can do is share with his dad (maybe from the stand point of "dad, I've just been diagnosed w/PTSD and this is what symptoms I have" and maybe dad will start to see for himself. If not, yes, there are the other alternatives. One that might help is turning off any news. I stopped watching it a long time ago - any time I see it on TV for more than 5 minutes, I get an anxiety attack, and the nightmares start again.
I wish him the best - it is not an easy journey.
Comment: #4
Posted by: sotelling
Mon Apr 1, 2013 10:34 PM
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Re: Patrick Turner - Thank you for your service; I am retired military, also with PTSD, and TRICARE Prime for retirees is ONLY for those that actually LIVE within 40 miles of a military treatment facility. Yes, this guys dad can go to a VA Hospital, but that is not the problem he is addressing - he sees in his father symptoms of PTSD - he needs medical care/treatment. Regardless of military service or not, it is difficult to get anyone to a doctor if they are not convinced they have a problem.
This gentleman is trying to figure out how to get his dad to AGREE to go get treatment - not where to take him.
My suggestion for him would be to speak to his siblings away from his parents, explain calmly why he thinks this is so serious, get help for himself as well, and then in getting the help HE needs, also ask for assistance in getting his father much needed help. It may require the brothers also helping (as long as they are on the same page). To get an adult committed to a mental institution, it takes 3 other competent adults signing paperwork that this person has a problem and/or his a harm to himself or others. That's why he needs to get his brothers on board and NOT minimize this issue.
As he learns more about PTSD, the best thing he can do is share with his dad (maybe from the stand point of "dad, I've just been diagnosed w/PTSD and this is what symptoms I have" and maybe dad will start to see for himself. If not, yes, there are the other alternatives. One that might help is turning off any news. I stopped watching it a long time ago - any time I see it on TV for more than 5 minutes, I get an anxiety attack, and the nightmares start again.
I wish him the best - it is not an easy journey.
Comment: #5
Posted by: sotelling
Mon Apr 1, 2013 10:39 PM
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* * * * PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT * * * *
LW3 may refer to the final letter on 8 March 2013 (Getting It Straight), or to the final letter on 28 January 2013 (Incredulous on Cape Cod), which itself referred to the second letter on 23 December 2012 (Can't Wait To Share New Home).
There was also a spate of housewarming letters in 2009, but let's not go wild, eh?
Comment: #6
Posted by: Miss Pasko
Mon Apr 1, 2013 11:35 PM
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LW1 - My husband has combat PTSD. Paranoia, Anxiety, Nightmares, Depression, etc. Been living with it for years. Your father doesn't sound like this. What your father sounds like is what's commonly called 'a prepper'. He watches too much Fox News. Listens to too much Mike Savage and Glenn Beck. They preach that the government is being destroyed by Obama and that it's going to be 'every man for himself' anyday now. My niece's fiance is a prepper. Long term/mass food storage, water treatment, gas masks, bug out bags, survival gear, he'd keep loaded guns there but it's my niece's apartment and she said no. This is not related to PTSD. He's only 25 and never been in the service. This is related to tea party politics. He's a nice guy.. but he believes every word of that partisan crap and feels he has to be ready for the downfall of America. My husband's aunt, my cousin.. all the same thing. Prepping is a popular trend right now. Frankly I'm hoping it become unfashionable soon. But the reality is that they are right.. the US government will fall.. it's inevitable. But I don't think it won't anytime soon and it won't be because of Obama's health care bill.
It will probably take months to get your dad into see a mental health provider. But make a deal with him. If he gets screened and they say he's fine. Then let it drop. You can't argue sense with these people. Just don't allow your kids their unsupervised since you know he's not being safe with firearms.
Comment: #7
Posted by: araminta
Tue Apr 2, 2013 12:06 AM
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LW2 - Tell your parents that they don't need to judge others for how they grieve or don't grieve, because you already have that covered, and by the way, the way they grieve & expect their immediate family (you) to help them when they are sad is really p**ing you off, so stop it. I get it, you're not sad so why should they be sad, and worse yet, why are they bothering you with it? Just tell them straight out that you didn't care about the grands, and you don't care that they're hurting, and they'll probably back off sooner or later.
Comment: #8
Posted by: kai archie
Tue Apr 2, 2013 12:49 AM
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LW1 - your dad needs a hobby that gets him out of the house & away from the TV. A lot of people who spend too much time listening to the news and right or left wing commentators are convinced we're on the brink of the apocalypse. As for being a prepper, well, easy to laugh but most people are not prepared for anything. You can laugh at his "bug out" bag, but suppose your house caught fire in the middle of the night. As you're running out the door, it would be handy to have a "bug out" bag or a "go kit" that you can grab on your way out that contains extra id, credit cards, money, phone #s of people you're going to have to call, and other things you can't do without. Or suppose a tornado is headed for your house - it would be handy to know where to shelter & to have some basic supplies - flashlight, battery operated radio, maybe some food - already in the shelter ahead of time. Suggest everyone visit ready.gov & do some light weight prepping themselves.
Comment: #9
Posted by: kai archie
Tue Apr 2, 2013 1:09 AM
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for the letter writer with the deceased grandparents, yes it is likely your sister is going overboard, but sometimes the loss of something that never was and now can never be, is as great as the loss of someone you knew well. The advice given by the columnists was very good but also please have a little sympathy as it may have been what could have been that makes your sister so sad.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Laurie
Tue Apr 2, 2013 1:17 AM
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Re: Patrick Turner
I have no experience with PTSD or knowledge of how to treat it, so I defer to the others who are more knowledgeable than I am here BTL. However, I want to thank Patrick and all the others who serve and have served in the military and have given up all or a part of their lives in order to keep us safe here at home. You all have my thanks and admiration for what you do.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Kitty
Tue Apr 2, 2013 2:40 AM
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LW1--If the Annies think that a Yoga class is going to snap your father out of his PTSD then they're also suffering from delusions. Look, you've identified the problem with your father and told him what he needs to do. You've also informed your family and your pastor. The ball is in your father's court as to whether or not he wants to get better. Frankly, if all he's doing is stockpiling food and getting angry at the television then I would have to ask myself if this is a battle worth fighting. Moreover, if the news is any indication then many, many Americans keep guns in their homes. You can't control other people, only how you respond. Tell your father that his untreated mental issues are harmful to you and your children and until he gets treatment, you have no choice but to limit the time you or your kids spend in his company. Then make good on your promise.
LW2--Your mother sounds like a nut job if she expected you to fly into histrionics at a funeral for two people she herself didn't like and who you barely knew. Evidently, your sister didn't fall far from the nut tree. Pay no attention to these two because from where I sit, they could only have come across like a couple of phonies to anyone at that funeral who actually knew your grandparents.
LW3--People today look for any excuse to bring in a cornucopia of cash and prizes. Registering oneself for a housewarming is just one of the many ways people have found to cash in. Cha-ching! If you find such egregious displays of greed appalling, then either skip the event or ignore the registry and bring a gift of your own choosing. After all, that's what a gift really is.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Chris
Tue Apr 2, 2013 2:48 AM
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LW1, it sounds to me like the dad is combining PTSD with "Doomsday Prepping", which is sort of the intersection of two different problems. If there are no local veterans groups or a VA hospital, the LW might see if there are any online groups that could provide at least some support, and may be a gateway to getting additional help.
LW2, I agree that no one in the LW's family should expect you to react as strongly as they have; on the other hand, learning to express sympathy for other people's grief is an adult, and compassionate, response towards other people. LW should keep his skepticism about their grief to himself and learn how to gently acknowledge their feelings in a more empathetic way, and then extricate himself before his discomfort about their over-the-top grief becomes apparent to them.
LW3, a registry is just a suggestion, and many people who care about the family or friends who are moving into a new home may, in fact, really appreciate the ability to give them a gift that will be something they can use and/or will cherish. A registry is not a requirement nor does it lock anyone into any sort of obligation. Starting a brand new home can be a bit intimidating, and offering guidance to friends and family about the kinds of things you could use is hardly greedy or manipulative -- but if you think that sort of thing towards your friends or family, perhaps its best that you skip the party altogether. And yes, you are a bit old-fashioned, because times and habits are changing; but please don't automatically assume the worst intent behind each change.
Again, no one is obligated to attend an event that makes them uncomfortable, and no one is obligated to bring a gift that makes them uncomfortable. Otherwise, there's no need to cast aspersions on people who have different traditions.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Mike H
Tue Apr 2, 2013 3:22 AM
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LW1 - I have no experience with this but it looks like other BTLers have and have given good advice. You did say that your brothers interfere and talk your father out of it. Is there any way to keep them out of it? I mean, the only way they'd know about it is if someone told them. Can you and your mother possibly keep it to your yourselves and get your father there? I know it's easier said than done but it's worth a shot.
LW2 - So your mother is angry at you for not weeping and sobbing over two people that she herself hated?? What a hypocrite! Reminds me of a nutjob I once worked with. She hated her parents and loudly proclaimed it. Called them every name in the book and said, "I am done with them!" multiple times. Then her mother died. She put on a show and started wailing and crying and sobbing, "My Mooooommmmmyyyy is gooooooone!" The best part was that she denied ever saying she hated her. We all heard it! Ignore your phoney mother and sister.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Michelle
Tue Apr 2, 2013 3:35 AM
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Re: sotelling #5
Thank you for your service too and kudos for getting the help you need for PTSD. I know someone else who has it, but for him it is complicated by chronic depression, and he says anti-depressants make him suicidal. He lives alone, so trying out new medication is a problem.
@Araminta #7
PTSD can show different symptoms in many people depending on their personality and particular circumstances. Like anything else, there are also degrees to it. In the case of the ex-LOML, it showed in extreme reactions to fireworks (it sounds like gunfire), insomnia, nighmares, a worsening of his foul temper and a general deterioration of his chronic-depression symptoms.
You husband is also to be thanked for his service. Please do that for us, it will put a little velvet in his wounded heart. I always say that people who serve their country often do it at terrible cost to themselves, and that it is often under-appreciated. Better since 9-11... I guess there is always a silver lining to every cloud. Again, at terrible cost.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Apr 2, 2013 4:48 AM
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LW2: Oh, I'm not so sure the sister and mom are phonies. They may be experiencing different types of grief, instead of the "standard" grief of "I miss this person." Sister may be mourning the loss of a relationship she never had, and never will have, with her grandparents. Perhaps deep down, she held out hope to have a great relationship with her grandparents, and now she knows, that will never happen. And maybe mom feels guilty that she will never repair the relationship with her parents. Even if they were horrible, awful people who ruined her life, they were still her parents. Despite what the LW wrote, I'm sure the mother loved them on some level. She may feel guilty that they died while on such terrible terms. Or perhaps both are reacting this way because they believe that's how they're expected to act. Sure, it's not genuine, but I don't think their intent is to get attention. They may feel exactly like the LW does, and his/her lack of grief makes them feel guilty for not really grieving, and they take it out on the LW.
Or they may just be horrible drama queens. Either way, follow the Annies' advice. It was pretty good.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Casey
Tue Apr 2, 2013 6:19 AM
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@ Patrick Turner and sotelling: Thank you for writing in, and for your service.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Casey
Tue Apr 2, 2013 6:19 AM
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Lise: I left you a message on yesterday's board. Not that's important or anything, but if you get bored today, you can check it out :)
Comment: #18
Posted by: Casey
Tue Apr 2, 2013 6:25 AM
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To Patrick Turner and all other vets, thank you! You are appreciated.
LW1: I think some of the BTLs on here have given you some good advice. I hope you can figure out what is going on with your dad and get him some help.
Now as to the Preppers, I guess we could be called that. We have food supplies and other plans in case of an emergency. We live in an area where a bad storm could knock out electricity for several hours to a couple of weeks. It happened a few years ago during an ice storm. We also keep a loaded gun available. But so do probably 90% of the people in this area. Here it is just called being prepared for an emergency.
Too many times some type of natural disaster strikes and people are not prepared. Then they want the government or some organization to come in and take care of them. It is better to have some plans and never need them than to need them and not have them.
Comment: #19
Posted by: GSDluv
Tue Apr 2, 2013 6:54 AM
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Re: GSDluv
"It is better to have some plans and never need them than to need them and not have them."
Couldn't agree with you more. There is a difference between someone who makes sure they have at least two weeks of food and fresh water in the pantry, and essentials packed in a back ready to go, and someone spending a coupla hundred tousands building a bunker in preparation for the end of the world.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Apr 2, 2013 7:14 AM
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LW1 -- I have no personal knowledge/experience of PTSD, but basically any time you're talking about a medical problem -- ESPECIALLY a psychiatric problem -- there will be those who refuse to get help (and, unfortunately, those who will encourage that refusal, as seeking help is seen by some as a sign of weakness). Try to talk with your brothers to get them on board, as it sounds like that may well be the key. I don't believe the Annies suggested that yoga was going to magically fix your father -- but any sort of first step toward taking better care of himself and learning relaxation techniques is a good thing. It may help, it certainly can't hurt.
LW2 -- Here's the thing, for as annoying as it is to have your family judging you for your lack of grief and not understanding that everyone grieves differently -- you might want to recognize that YOU have done the exact same thing to them. You absolutely have judged your sister and mother for "going overboard" with their grief. It's kind of hard to expect other people to respect YOUR feelings if you have none for theirs. My guess is, your message of "everyone grieves differently, please respect that I handle grief differently than you do" would come off a lot better if it didn't also include "and you're being totally ridiculous -- since one of you hated them and the other of you didn't even know them." Try leading by example and respecting their feelings before you expect them to respect yours.
LW3 -- Mike H has the right of it here. People can register for any "event" they want and for whatever goodies they hope to receive. And their friends and family can choose to ignore said registry and give them nothing at all or give them whatever they feel like giving them. So, good news! You can stop worrying about this and just bring that loaf of bread or bottle of wine. A registry offers helpful suggestions, it is not a mandate.
When I registered for my baby shower, I did include the "big ticket items" -- like the crib, the dresser, etc. I also registered for cheap stuff, like bibs and pacifiers. If someone wanted to shop off of my registry, they would have found stuff as cheap as just a few bucks all the way up to stuff that cost $500. Of course, I didn't actually expect anyone would actually buy me the stuff that cost $500. But I did it anyway because 1) it lets people see the "look" you are going for, and some people, even if they aren't going to select something from the registry still like to try to coordinate with the recipient's "vision" of the decor, etc.; and 2) some people like to team up with several other mutual friends to pool their funds in order to purchase a more expensive item than they would otherwise buy on their own. I had a group of friends that pooled their money to buy the baby monitor we registered for, which was probably about $250 -- way more than I would EVER have expected anyone to spend on a shower gift, but there were enough of them to make this an affordable gift. I also had a number of friends who gave me stuff I had not registered for, and that was totally fine by me. One woman handmade personalized towels -- obviously, I didn't register for this, and obviously I was just as thrilled to get those towels, that were so lovingly made by her own hands as I was to get the monitor, which has proven to be a godsend many times over.
Seriously, LW, you aren't old-fashioned, but you are something else, all right.
Comment: #21
Posted by: Lisa
Tue Apr 2, 2013 7:15 AM
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The guy is stockpiling ammo in the bathroom and the answer to that is yoga?
Next, tell us how columbine would have been prevented with aromatherapy.
Comment: #22
Posted by: Jpp
Tue Apr 2, 2013 7:47 AM
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On "preppers" and such... I've actually not heard that term before (apparently I don't get out much), but I can say this is hardly anything new and is hardly restricted to watchers of Glenn Beck, et al, and it doesn't always have to do with one's political beliefs. My husband was raised in the 7th Day Adventist religion. If you aren't familiar with it, I like to refer to it as the "Judaism of Christianity" -- for SDAs, the sabbath is on Saturday instead of Sunday (like in Judaism) and they follow many of the same dietary laws as Judaism, but they believe in Jesus Christ, so they are Christian. And they were "preppers" before that term existed and before Glenn Beck was ever born. They had a youth group that was very similar to Boy Scounts and Girl Scouts, and basically it was all about survivalism, because they believe that the Apocalypse could come at any time, and you have to be prepared to survive it in order to be saved when it's all over. My husband was part of the youth group because it was fun camping out -- he didn't take the End of Days prepper stuff all that seriously, and he left the SDA church long before we met. But my point is, it's not necessarily a Tea Party thing, a Glenn Beck thing or a FOX News thing. It can be, of course. But there is a very long -- we're talking CENTURIES long -- tradition of "prepping" that has nothing to do with politics.
As someone who lives in a part of the world known for hurricanes, "prepping" is very much a part of life here. Every year, when hurricane season comes, we go through our "hurricane kit" to make sure that all of our supplies are still good, toss out and replace what's expired, etc. I realize this is different from "prepping" for the apocalypse or for the fall of the government. But I am one of those people who gets a little annoyed when people who KNOW they live in a hurricane-prone area are NOT properly prepared. And yes, some aspects of hurricane preparations would also come in handy for other disasters, like the house burning down, etc. Some aspects of "prepping" do strike me as a bit over-the-top, but hurricanes aren't the only disasters out there, and we'd all be better off if we were a tad more prepared for them than most of us currently are.
Comment: #23
Posted by: Lisa
Tue Apr 2, 2013 7:54 AM
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Re: Casey
Got that, answered too. Took a break after doing all the dishes, now going to scrub the stove and clean out the fridge! I'm home today, so I'll be popping in and out.
Comment: #24
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Apr 2, 2013 8:07 AM
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On "preppers" -- I actually never heard this term before (apparently I don't get out much), but there is a long -- CENTURIES long -- tradition of "preppers" that has nothing to do with Glenn Beck, the Tea Party, FOX News, etc. Some would suggest that Quakers were preppers, for example. My husband was raised 7th Day Adventist, and they could definitely be called preppers. They believe that the Apocalypse could come at any time, and you need to be prepared to survive that in order to be saved in the end. How about the hoopla surrounding Y2K -- plenty of "preppers" abounded in the lead-up to the year 2000. How about the Mayan doomsday prediction that didn't happen at the end of last year? I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that the Mayans were not influenced by 'Glenn Beck. Sure, SOME people are "preppers" because of political beliefs. Others are due to religious beliefs. I'm a "prepper" of sorts, I suppose, because I live in a region that is prone to hurricanes, so you'd better believe that every hurricane season, I'm making sure my disaster readiness kit is fully stocked and good to go. And that kit will also stand me in good stead when it's NOT hurricane season should some other disaster strike. Fires can happen regardless of where you live. Ask people who got snowed in earlier this year if they were glad they had enough supplies to last a few days -- or wished that they had.
Comment: #25
Posted by: Lisa
Tue Apr 2, 2013 8:15 AM
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sorry for the double post!
Comment: #26
Posted by: Lisa
Tue Apr 2, 2013 8:19 AM
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@Chris & Jpp -- look, there are any number of times when I think the Annies are dead wrong about something or downright delusional about something, but they weren't suggesting that yoga was going to magically make LW's father all better. They suggested it was one thing that has been known to help SOMEWHAT with PTSD. I am hardly on a crusade to defend the Annies, but the gross exaggeration of one minor aspect of the Annies' advice is actually far more ridiculous than the notion that yoga might be of some benefit to the LW's father.
Comment: #27
Posted by: Lisa
Tue Apr 2, 2013 8:24 AM
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I don't know why my first post isn't showing – perhaps it didn't post properly – but I'll try it again for LW1:
I admit I don't have much knowledge of PTSD or "prepping" in this sense ... but after reading a couple of the BTL posters about the latter, I'd say that I think the LW's father has a combination of both. Which is doubly sad.
I'd say if he's willing to get help, there's several options out there, even for (I'm sure) an individual such as him. But be forewarned: I'm sensing the possibility he's very distrustful of anyone, and that his beliefs are such that "everyone's against him" or "out to get him." And with a "prepper" like this, who believes an authoritarian-type government takeover could happen at any time ... he may even be distrustful of doctors and psychologists who want to help him. (That is, he thinks they're working in concert with the Obama administration and using tactics such as sleep deprivation, rape, torture, starvation and withholding of water, "questioning for secrets" and so forth – in other words, things they are not actually doing.)
As far as keeping the gun in his bathroom – while normally there is nothing wrong with keeping a couple of guns (for protection), I'd be scared for people that have to live with him every day. Because if he's as bad as it appears he is (or is getting, at least), I'd be more scared of him than anyone associated with the government.
Deep down, he may want to change. But I think the challenge is getting him to go and getting him to let go of these thoughts that he's grown comfortable with. My prayers to everyone, including the father, and I hope that eventually he is able to find peace.
Comment: #28
Posted by: Bobaloo
Tue Apr 2, 2013 8:33 AM
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Re LW#3------
This is the imaginary 'RSVP' I send (in my mind only) when I'm asked to a housewarming, especially by someone I don't know too well-------------
"Thank you for the invitation. Unfortunately, I am unable to attend, as I have presently committed all my discretionary funds to my day-to-day living and the furnishing of my own home.
I hope to be able to see your new home in the near future, perhaps at a time when just my company and admiring comments about your granite countertops and stainless steel appliances will be sufficient and when bringing a gift is not required."
.
Baby showers-----yes. Wedding showers/wedding gifts-----yes. Got a new home, so please bring me a present? Nope. (Yes, I am an old grouch, no need to tell me so. And I also don't like birthday lunches/dinners where I'm expected to pay my own way AND the guest-of-honor's way, plus provide a present. Can't afford it.)
.
Oh, and Bobaloo----left you a response to your post #40 yesterday.
Comment: #29
Posted by: jennylee
Tue Apr 2, 2013 8:34 AM
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@Lisa: " Some aspects of "prepping" do strike me as a bit over-the-top"
If you want to see how over-the-top it can get, I recommend the National Geographic Channel's "Doomsday Preppers". I find myself fascinated by the lengths some people are going to in order to prepare for all sorts of imagined disaster scenarios.
Comment: #30
Posted by: Mike H
Tue Apr 2, 2013 8:51 AM
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Re: Lisa
Look, I can accept that yoga can help a little (let's say, 10%--if such things could be measured), but when the guy's in full blown gun-packing survivalist mode, to the point where you're afraid to have him near kids--to even mention it is silly. Sorry, but a mentally unstable person packing guns and ammo should be institutionalized (which is what they should have recommended), not sent to yoga, before he shoots someone who looked at him funny in that yoga class (and the news will be full of people saying there was something wrong all the while but he wouldn't get help...).
Comment: #31
Posted by: Jpp
Tue Apr 2, 2013 9:01 AM
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First, thanks to all who serve or have served our country in the military. It wasn't all that long ago when our soldiers were cursed and spat upon. Those days should NEVER come back, ever.
LW2: Your ssiter isn't a phony, but your mother certainly is. I think she went over the top when she upbraided you for not grieving enough. I suspect she is either making you and your sister pay for her sins, or is trying to cover up her long-term contempt for her parents. Good for you for not going along with the charade. I agree with the Annie's advice for your sister, but Mom is on her own.
Comment: #32
Posted by: JustWinBaby
Tue Apr 2, 2013 9:06 AM
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Re: Lisa
"How about the Mayan doomsday prediction that didn't happen at the end of last year? I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that the Mayans were not influenced by 'Glenn Beck. "
Actually, lost in the immensity of all the TV specials on Mayan calendars and asteroids and super volcanoes and mega solar flares etc etc etc, there was the one lone documentary which really brought the clocks back to real time. One of the things it said is that the Mayans' idea of time was not linear like us Westerners: the reason why the Mayan calendar stopped at 12-12-12 was not because it was the end of the world, but because it was the end of a cycle, and that it went back to square one after that. They showed contemporay Mayans who were not one bit afraid of the world screeching to a halt, and who laughed when asked.
Especially after the ice storm in Quebec (nothing like a minor trauma to serve as a wake-up call), I do believe in being prepared - with bounds of reason, of course. I have food and water in the house for at least a month, batteries, candles, an assortment of lanterns where to set the candles that are as fire-safe as possible, battery-operated radios and clocks, manual can-openers, an outide barbecue on the porch which could be used to cook food in the absence of electricity, flashlights in working order in every room.
I also have emergency supplies in the van: apart from the usual car stuff to change the tire, jerrycan etc, non-perishable easy eatables (crackers, nuts, dried fruit, energy bars) and water enough to drink AND for the radiator (replaced regularly before it gets stale), duct tape, bungee cords, gloves suitable for warmth and/or work, spare footwear, thermal blankets that roll-up small, a waterproof windbreaker with hood that folds into a little bag, flashlight, spare batteries...
I usually also carry a little arsenal of stuff on myself, either in my waistbag or full purse: jewellery pliers, small knife, spoon, scissors, a length of rope, pens and pencils, a mini bottle of anti-bacterial, bandaids, travel-sized tootbrush and tootpaste tube, asthma medication, Tylenol, crazy glue, doubles of all the keys - if I accidentally drop my car keys into the sewer or lock myself out, I have a spare on me. AND I have a CAA membership - if someone is crazy enough to go far out of town with a ten year-old vehicle, it sure ain't me babe!
If anyone can think of something to add to the list, I'm listening. You never know if you'll not get stuck somewhere in the cold night, even though I try to keep my cell phone charged and with minutes in it.
Comment: #33
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Apr 2, 2013 9:18 AM
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Re: Lisa #27
Agree 100%. They never suggested it was a magic wand, they just said it "can be useful for some PTSD sufferers", and because the LW asked for other options. And the yoga thing was not suggested as something to be used on its own, but as something to be added to other ways of coping. The rest of their suggestions were eminently sensible. Let's recognise that the few times it happens!
@Jennylee #29
Re the imaginary 'RSVP' - or bring a gift of food like I do.
@Mike H #30
"I find myself fascinated by the lengths some people are going to in order to prepare for all sorts of imagined disaster scenarios."
Yeah, like people on the other side of the planet spending 5 digits on the way to 6 to reserve a place in a huge luxury survival bunker they'll never be able to get to in time if there is a disaster big enough to necessitate it? Oye vey.
@JustWinBaby #32
"It wasn't all that long ago when our soldiers were cursed and spat upon."
Which was particularly unfair considering that they hadn't enlisted voluntarily, but had been forcibly drafted.
Comment: #34
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Apr 2, 2013 9:33 AM
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@Lise, absolutely -- from the people who are actually buying a helicopter and learning how to pilot it so they can "bug out" in time to reach those bunkers, to the people who are learning to make their own bullets -- it does indeed fascinate me.
I'm not in the least convinced by any of it, and frankly if there is a giant disaster I'm far more likely to share what little I have rather than come up with elaborate ways to 'defend' against others in need. Sensible preparations for a hurricane or a blizzard are one thing; thinking that there will be a tsunami that wipes out the entire infrastructure of the USA, or solar flares, or earthquakes, or total economic collapse, or takeover by the New World Order... that stuff, no, not going to spend a lot of time preparing for.
But that doesn't mean I'm not entertained by watching the stories of those who are utterly convinced that these things are going to happen. The vast spectrum of human beliefs and behaviors is endlessly interesting to me.
Comment: #35
Posted by: Mike H
Tue Apr 2, 2013 10:32 AM
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Re: Mike H
Good luck to them with their helicopter all the way from Singapour...
Comment: #36
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Apr 2, 2013 10:40 AM
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Re: Mike H (#35)
And I think that's just it with people in the shoes of the LW's father. He is convinced, or on the way to being that way, that "it's all going to hit the fan" – that is, some vast government conspiracy is going to take over.
Me? I'm in newspapers, and I don't watch Fox, CNN or MSNBC that much, and I most certainly don't listen to talk radio. One of my pet peeves is just listening to political blather, claiming the other has nothing to offer but bad, bad consequences – it's not real news.
I know you accuse me of going off the deep end for things, but I don't even want to hear from someone that the world's going to end tomorrow and that the Nazis are coming back, or that a huge army of unbeatable Andre the Giants and Hakus and Rick Rudes are going to beat secrets out of us through unimagined torture (OK, they're professional wrestlers from the 1980s and two of them are dead), or that the president will merely flip a light switch to wipe out our economy faster than an instant just because he's in a foul mood.
That's where the LW's father could use some help ... now, if he agrees to go and can still be convinced that the doctors and psychologists can help him, before he's completely lost in this "conspiracy theory" thing and drives everyone away.
Comment: #37
Posted by: Bobaloo
Tue Apr 2, 2013 10:57 AM
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LW2 - I feel ya, brother! (sister?). It's hard being like us (well, not really). Everyone else is crying and you're wondering why, thinking "what? she was 85, she had a good run" or "well it's not like I ever really knew him that well so...". You think "hah, she's definitely dead, that sucks" when the radio is talking about a missing girl. When your SO is blubbering about how lost they would be if you died, you say "well I'd be sad for a while but then I'd be fine".
It's not that we don't feel anything, it's that it doesn't control us. We control it. Which is easy, because there's not that much of "it" to control in the first place. I bet you have your emotional triggers, but they aren't the same as everyone else's, so you pretend you don't have any at all. Turn the tables on yourself and that's when you might be able to develop the ability to empathize.
The thing is, dude(tte) is that most people aren't like us and you can't expect them to be. It's like if you were born with two arms and you got all mad because most stuff was geared toward people with one arm. YOU have to adapt to everyone else and yes, that includes pretending that you aren't so bored of them crying, months later.
You can't really change how people feel, only how you feel or react to them. You can usually get someone to be quiet if you're frank/mean to them but do you want that? It doesn't sound like you can "win" this even if you are frank (mean) and say "I appreciate that you're still grieving, but it makes me uncomfortable, please stop". So don't bother. Just pat them on the shoulder and say "it'll be ok" or some other platitude.
If they bug you for not being emotional enough and the standard "we all grieve differently" spiel doesn't work and you get to the point of "enough is enough", just say "maybe, but who is more miserable here, me or you?" or "I can pretend to be sad if it'll make you feel better".
Comment: #38
Posted by: Zoe
Tue Apr 2, 2013 11:27 AM
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@Bobaloo, absolutely -- and it's why I said there's more than just "simple" PTSD going on here, there's some rather extreme behavior on the paranoia scale going on as well. My own stepdad suffers from PTSD and he has nothing in common with "Doomsday Preppers", so I know first-hand there are (at least) two separate things going on here.
Of course, one will affect the other, possibly making things a bit worse...
Comment: #39
Posted by: Mike H
Tue Apr 2, 2013 11:39 AM
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Re: Mike H
PTSD might possibly make latent preppers tendencies much worse, perhaps? It's like me, trying to separate PTSD from the results of chronic depression with the ex-LOML when he blows a gasket.
Comment: #40
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Apr 2, 2013 12:42 PM
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Re: Mike H (#39)
Well, that's part of still figuring out what PTSD is. Not to sound insensitive, ignorant or rude, but perhaps your father has a different form of PTSD – if there is such a thing a "a different form" – or it's affected him differently than perhaps how the LW is describing things?
Either way, I do hope things are well for your father and hope all the best for him.
Comment: #41
Posted by: Bobaloo
Tue Apr 2, 2013 1:26 PM
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@Lise, I can imagine that one can certainly exacerbate the other.
@Bobaloo, not really -- PTSD has a fairly specific understanding, and plenty of preppers don't have any symptoms of PTSD, and plenty of people with PTSD aren't preppers. (Besides which, being a prepper isn't really a defined psychological condition anyway).
We really are talking two different things here -- but in the LW's case, his father has both, which seems to me to be an even more volatile situation.
Comment: #42
Posted by: Mike H
Tue Apr 2, 2013 1:52 PM
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Re: Mike H
Especially combined with the gun in the bathroom cabinet. Yeesh.
Comment: #43
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Apr 2, 2013 2:43 PM
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Re: Bobaloo
Uh, actually there is PLENTY wrong with keeping guns in the house, loaded or unloaded. In other civilized countries tjis is not the norm, and in most places its illegal. Only in America! God help you all. You're going to need it!
Comment: #44
Posted by: WinehouseFan
Tue Apr 2, 2013 5:08 PM
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Re: Mike H (#42)
OK. Appreciate the feedback. I knew that some preppers were paranoid in the first place, but I didn't think all had PTSD.
Thanks!
Re: WinehouseFan (#44)
Except the loaded gun in the house is a problem HERE. We're not talking about, for instance, a 3-year-old boy who thinks it's a toy (that's another topic altogether). We're talking about a guy who's mentally unstable ... and who knows what he's capable of.
Believe me, I've seen those guys.
This guy needs help, before it's too late. He's a danger to the community, his family ... and himself.
Comment: #45
Posted by: Bobaloo
Tue Apr 2, 2013 6:10 PM
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Re: WinehouseFan
In Canada (I guess this counts as North America), there are wild differences depending on the provinces. Many more house guns in the prairies and in the arctic than in Quebec. But then, we don't have the right to bear arms entrenched in the Constitution. You might want to check the following for interesting statistics:
http: / / www.canadiangeographic.ca / magazine / ma96 / alacarte.asp (Take out the spaces, the usual routine)
The northermost regions figures are not reliable due to small sampling, but at any rate, there would be a lot of hunting there, as well as an important population of roaming large mammals, and people would need guns for protection.
Comment: #46
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Apr 2, 2013 7:14 PM
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I might have mentioned before that I live in NJ and I have a vacation house in upstate NY also. When hurricane Sandy hit, we were so happy to have a generator in NJ and we were doing fine for a while. A huge tree came down and took out much of a fence and a garden shed. Things were getting a little creepy as a few days went by. I was lucky that the huge company I work for actually set up a gas station in our parking lot even though the building was closed for an entire week because there was no power.
We decided to go up to the NY house because we knew from neighbors that everything was OK there and we have a hard-wired generator there. The whole point of my rambling about all of this is about guns. My husband is a hunter and we have some rifles and shotguns in both houses. They are not loaded, and they are locked in gun vaults, and I have never shot any of them. But when the stores were all closed, and the gas stations were closed, and we were one of the few people around in our NJ neighborhood who had a generator, well, it is not hard to get a little scared that people will try to take what you have.
I am so anti-gun, especially things like assault rifles, but I have to admit that it was a little comforting to know there were guns around if the situation got extreme, which, thankfully, it did not. I think situations and feelings like I had in the most extreme situation I ever faced (thankfully), have a lot to do with why law-abiding citizens abhor the violence, but do not want to give up their legal guns.
Comment: #47
Posted by: Carly O
Tue Apr 2, 2013 8:24 PM
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Re: Mike H
Mike, I totally agree with you. If things get that bad, I just hope I have a painless way to kill myself.
I won't be willing to fight for long.
Comment: #48
Posted by: Carly O
Tue Apr 2, 2013 8:42 PM
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Re: Mike H
Mike, I totally agree with you. If things get that bad, I just hope I have a painless way to kill myself.
I won't be willing to fight for long.
Comment: #49
Posted by: Carly O
Tue Apr 2, 2013 8:42 PM
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