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The main problem is that the dating success is not equal. I …Read more.
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Happy Mother's Day
Dear Readers: Happy Mother's Day. Please phone your mother, grandmother, mother-in-law, stepmother or foster mother and wish them the best. And our special good wishes to all the new mommies who are celebrating their very first Mother's Day. Also, …Read more.
Thank You, Mom and Dad
Dear Annie: I am writing a long overdue thank-you note to my parents. They are faithful readers of your column. Mom and Dad, I am thankful that:
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Focus on the Friendship
Dear Annie: One of my best friends is a lesbian and has feelings for me. I found this out a few years ago and communicated to her several times in a nice way that I am not gay, but she says she cannot change the way she feels.
It was an awkward conversation because she doesn't like speaking openly about her feelings. I was devastated by her response and even tried not speaking to her for close to a year — a painful time for me — hoping she would find a suitable partner and get over her crush.
A few months ago, due to a work project, we started communicating again. On the surface, it's great. I have my old friend back, and we go out for drinks and discuss our work issues. However, deep down, I dread that it's all coming back. I try chatting about my dating stories as a casual way to hint that nothing has changed for me. I fear that if I confront her again on this sensitive issue, I will lose our dear friendship a second time, and yet I don't want to mislead her. What should I say or do? — Tormented
Dear Tormented: We understand your discomfort, but you are too focused on the crush and not enough on the friendship. There is no reason to bring up her feelings when she obviously doesn't want to discuss them and hasn't made any overtures to indicate that she is still interested. People have crushes on friends all the time, but they don't necessarily act on them or let them interfere with the relationship. If your friend does anything untoward, feel free to say again that you aren't interested, that it makes you feel uncomfortable and pressured, and that if she cannot control her feelings, you will have to limit contact.
Dear Annie: I will soon celebrate my 82nd birthday. I have a hearing problem and bought hearing aids, but they don't work.
I feel like I flushed $5,000 down the toilet. The people who sold them to me are intelligent. How can they legally sell something they know doesn't work? When I realized that I will never hear again, I cried all night. — Scammed
Dear Scammed: Please don't give up so quickly. Hearing aid providers vary in degree of expertise, and hearing aids work differently for each person. It is always best to be evaluated, fitted and tested by an audiologist, who will discuss available styles and features and also ask about your lifestyle (e.g., how much of your day you spend on the telephone, in restaurants, watching TV, etc.) and explain that it can take time for your brain to process the new audio information. If you are a veteran, you can get assistance through the VA. Others should look for an otolaryngologist (ear, nose and throat specialist) who has an audiologist on staff.
Please see whether your current contract allows you to return the hearing aids for a total or partial refund. Also contact the Hearing Loss Association of America (www.hearingloss.org) for additional information and help.
Dear Annie: I was amused to read the letter from "Concerned," whose visitors leave framed photographs of their family in their guest house.
We have a house on Cape Cod and have had this happen. We actually loved seeing our friends and family enjoying themselves at "our spot." As long as they're not taking the liberty of hanging them, I consider the photos a gift or a thank-you. If "Concerned" doesn't want them displayed, she can put them in a guest album. I would think it would be insulting to give them back. — S.D. from the Cape
Dear S.D.: We think it's sweet that you consider these photographs gifts from your guests, rather than a presumptuous household takeover. Please enjoy them.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2013 CREATORS.COM 
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Comments
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56 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1- This has been going on for several YEARS? If she hasn't been dating and she's really sitting there wanting you for years and hasn't moved on to other people in some way- she's got issues. I guess that's possible, but I think it's more likely that you're overthinking it. There's an expiration date on attraction. The crush may well be expired, and I would assume it is unless you've got a solid reason to think differently.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Eliza167
Sun Mar 24, 2013 9:34 PM
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LW1 -
I don't see how you could possibly rationally believe that you are misleading her, considering you have stated in no uncertain terms that you didn't lean her way and seeing that this conversation has been aired with no misunderstanding possible.
You haven't indicated that the woman has done or said anything out of line. What makes you think she's still pining over you? It may very well be that your discomfort has a lot more to do about how uneasy it makes you feel that your friend has sexual fantasies about you, than about anything she really says or does.
If the proximity of a gay woman who's been known to look at you "that way" challenges you so much that you can think of little else, I suggest you limit contact with her to strict professionalism.
P.S.: Do you feel that uneasy and obsessed when it is a *man* you're not interested in, who's looking at you "that way"? You might want to explore some latent homophobia of yours...
Comment: #2
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sun Mar 24, 2013 10:18 PM
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* * * * PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT * * * *
LW3 refers to the second letter on 4 February 2013.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Miss Pasko
Mon Mar 25, 2013 12:02 AM
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LW1: If you take the lesbian aspect out of this, it's very simple.
If you had a guy friend who had told you he had feelings for you that you didn't reciprocate, you would scale back the friendship and probably make sure that you had another friend with you when you guys met up. I would look at this situation in the same way. Your friend has made clear her feelings for you. Since you are not attracted to her, I would say you should limit the amount of time you spend on the phone and in person with her and treat this just like you would if a heterosexual guy expressed feelings for you.
I know that you love your friendship, and I know you will miss this friend. But honestly, I do think you are leading her on by spending too much time with her, even if under the guise of "work". You need to limit this friendship and develop other ones.
FWIW: I don't think this means a straight person can't be friends with someone of the same sex who is gay. I have MANY lesbian friends, but just like I respect and support their relationships, they respect and support MY lifestyle.
Comment: #4
Posted by: nanchan
Mon Mar 25, 2013 2:53 AM
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And another thing.....
I don't think there is a statute of limitations on attraction, especially if it's unrequited. Sure, you may date other people, sometimes even MARRY other people, and still have a crush on someone from earlier on in your life. We see that here all the time: some man (or woman) who gets together YEARS later with someone they knew in high school. Feelings like extreme attraction don't always go away with time. When you add a strong friendship into the mix, those feelings can be even deeper.
Comment: #5
Posted by: nanchan
Mon Mar 25, 2013 3:07 AM
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LW1 - I'm inclined to agree that the obsession seems to be mainly in the mind of the LW. She doesn't give any indication that her friend has made any advances toward her, and doesn't seem to have any intention of doing so. I wonder if the LW would feel equally uncomfortble if the friend were a man who had said he had feelings for her, but didn't make any attempt to act on them. I think she'd probably feel flattered and then forget about it. I think she should try to figure out why her friend's feelings make her so uncomfortable. Also, since the woman hasn't mentioned anything about it since they reconnected, it's possible those feelings have changed and all the turmoil is in the LW's head and nowhere else.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Kitty
Mon Mar 25, 2013 3:17 AM
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LW1 - I myself think you are over thinking the situation and are assuming that because your friend was once attracted to you, she still is. I think it's quite likely that over the period of year since she said anything, she has moved on. She may not find you that awesome anymore, but finds that too awkward a conversation to have. However, you are there and BTL is not, so perhaps you are right. I'm wondering why you are so afraid of her still being attracted to you. What would happen if that were true, and why would it be bad? I think you have to think about that and come up with some honest answers. I've been friends with people with whom I've had one sided attractions, on either side, and we were good friends despite the unrequited feelings, which do ebb and flow over time.
LW2 - don't give up. Take the Annie's advice. Equipment doesn't always work the first time but that doesn't mean it will never work.
Comment: #7
Posted by: kai archie
Mon Mar 25, 2013 3:18 AM
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LW1 - I, too, think that over thinking this situation. From the way it sounds in your letter, your friend has not come on to you and has not even said she has feelings for you since you started talking again. Your friend knows that you're not a lesbian. You don't have to tell her again and again. She may not even have a crush on you anymore. But even if she still has a crush on you, she's obviously not acting out on her feelings so there's really nothing to get upset over. It sounds like she's over it and I think you need to be, too.
LW2 - Have you gone back to where you bought them and told them they don't work? Maybe you're doing something wrong with them or maybe they're defective by the people who sold them didn't know that. if you have and they told you, "Too bad, then go to an audiologist like the Annies suggested. If they can't help you, try to sell them and see if you can at least get half your money back.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Michelle
Mon Mar 25, 2013 3:49 AM
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LW2: First thought from me was "Return them!"
People make mistakes all the time and sometimes the mistake isn't OBVIOUS. I got a new pair of glasses about a year ago and although I could pass the eye test in the office with them, when I got on the road, I almost crashed into another car. I took them BACK to the eye doctor and he re-ordered them: it turns out the presciption was wrong.
What concerns me most about your letter is the attitude that these people did this to you intentionally. I don't believe that is the case 99.9 percent of the time. Usually it's a mistake. If you have friends or family who are younger and more aggressive with sales people, ask them to go with you to return the unit. I'll bet they give you a refund or fix the unit you have.
Comment: #9
Posted by: nanchan
Mon Mar 25, 2013 4:30 AM
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LW1: this happens frequently when one person finally tells the other about their crush. It gets "worse" when it's a gay person. For some reason, there are people out there who think that because the person is gay that they don't get past their feelings. That's not true. You have no idea if she has gotten past you or not. The best advice I can give is don't flatter yourself quite so much. That was a few years ago, and it's likely she hasn't spent her every waking moment thinking of the unrequited love she's missed.
Go on your merry way, and be a FRIEND. But don't be so quick to jump to the conclusion that things haven't changed on her end. You've let her know you weren't interested then, and by dropping your dating history, you're not interested now. Accept the friendship (or work friendship) and let the matter drop, if you can. If you can't, perhaps the issue isn't HER but YOU.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Gina
Mon Mar 25, 2013 5:34 AM
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LW3: I like this LW. People shouldn't assume the worst in these types of situations. But the person leaving the photos might want to leave a note to make sure the owner knows the intent.
Comment: #11
Posted by: nanchan
Mon Mar 25, 2013 5:48 AM
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It probably took LW2 a long time to admit they needed a hearing aid, and now that it doesn't work, they have given up all hope. Please go back and make sure the aids are not defective. For $5000 they should have a warranty. But if they try to sell you something else, find a more reputable practice/company.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Paige English
Mon Mar 25, 2013 5:48 AM
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LW1: I'd say this is no different than any other "unrequited crush" letter, where the one having the crush tries to woo the object of his/her affection, whether they are willing or not. So I'll take it from that angle – if your friend continues to make you uncomfortable, then speak to her and get it out on the table.
She'll eventually realize that you are not going to have that type of relationship with her that she's dreamed about, and as a few have pointed out, it's possible that she no longer has romantic/sexual feelings for you. Just see how things play out and address it if necessary.
LW2: Agree with the "return them" thought and that you either were sold the wrong hearing aid by mistake or – my thoughts – were misdiagnosed. Assuming that your condition can be corrected, I'd recommend being retested and then refitted for a new hearing aid.
I do wonder, however, if it is just (sadly) a case of simply you are losing your hearing and there is nothing you can do about it. If that is a case, I feel real bad for you. But until you find that out for sure, do not give up ... get a refund if necessary (be nice about it) and get retested and refitted. Something out there is bound to work.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Bobaloo
Mon Mar 25, 2013 5:57 AM
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LW1 - This sounds like it has a lot to do with your friend being a lesbian. Re-read your letter as though your friend was a man and it sounds a lot sillier. Your friend has probably gotten over you. Since she's given no indication that she's romantic or sexually interested, she either isn't, or she's covering it up really well so you can be friends. Either way, you're good! She wouldn't be the first person to be sexually interested in a friend - it happens sometimes when you spend a lot of time with someone. You need to get over it.
Frankly you sound like a drama queen. You were "devastated" when she said she had feelings for you and not being able to change how she feels? Give me a break.
Re: Bobaloo
It's different from "any other "unrequited crush" letter" in that there is zero evidence that the LW's friend still has any sort of crush on her.
You say: "if your friend continues to make you uncomfortable" yet the friend hasn't done anything. All she did was tell the LW that she has feeling for her, over a year ago, and nothing since.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Zoe
Mon Mar 25, 2013 6:06 AM
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Re: Zoe (#14)
Again, my advice stands – and it would for anyone in this situation about someone having a crush on you and you don't accept it.
If the LW had "gotten over it," she wouldn't have written. So it's not necessarily a "drama queen" case but a case of her still having apparent discomfort around her one-time friend, even if nothing had been said and the friend had backed off.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Bobaloo
Mon Mar 25, 2013 6:38 AM
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Hearing aid batteries run down quickly. Try changing them first. If that does not work take them back. Read the contract, get them adjusted and keep trying. The VA will supply a vet with the newest hearing aids, even blue-tooth compatible! Don't stop until you get satisfaction.
LW 1, if she is a BFF she knows you are not interested in her romantically. She has done nothing recently to try to 'convert' you. A friend is a terrible thing to waste.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Penny
Mon Mar 25, 2013 6:39 AM
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LW1--Evidently your friend has broken the Prime Directive to which most gay people adhere which is simply not to go after those who identify as straight. If a gay person's "gaydar" is off, which happens, the straight person simply says "Thank you. While I'm flattered, I'm straight.." and then both parties go on about their merry way. While it's one thing to think a close friend is adorable, it's quite another to profess feelings for them which not only puts them on the spot and puts the onus on them to reject but it also makes the friendship awkward and uncomfortable thereafter. Neither you nor your friend can unring a bell. You've made your position crystal clear to your friend so if she continues to pine away for you knowing that never in a million years will you reciprocate then your only option is to break off the friendship. Do it not only for yourself, but for your friend who is probably turning down available partners while she waits for you.
LW2--Dear, not every single person is identical. While the hearing aids didn't work for you, they probably worked miracles for others. Instead of crying your eyes out, ask a trusted friend or relative to advocate for you and see if you can't recoup some or all of your investment in the hearing aids.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Chris
Mon Mar 25, 2013 6:46 AM
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Re: Bobaloo
Yeah, except that Bobaloo, your advice can only still have a foot to stand on if there is STILL a crush. You're taking for granted that she crush is still there is spite of zero evidence to that effect: that was "a few years ago", there has been NO follow-up, and now that they have reconnected for professional reasons, the friend is not given any indication that the crush is active.
The LW wouldn't be making such a federal case out of this is it was the same thing exactly involving a man.
The reason why she's so "devastated" is that there is some unaddressed homophobia in there, and the woman is horrified (and disgusted) that another woman may still have/once had sexual thoughts about her. I've seen women like her - in her mind, she feels she used to be safe from "that" when she wasn't with a man, but now that little security has been overthrown, and she has to start wondering if the same thing is happening every time she speaks to a woman. Suddenly, nothing is "safe" anymore, EEEEEEK!
But she doesn't admit that to herself, and rather makes it look like she's being harassed. Except that the obsession is in her mind, not in facts - that was YEARS ago. And you're buying it, and mistaking fiction for facts again, and drawing your conclusions from premises that are too far down in the story timeline and totally unproved. Rewind and look at it again, from further back this time.
And when you say "If the LW had "gotten over it, she wouldn't have written", you seem to forget that the LW is not the one who has anything to "get over". It's her female friend who once had a crush, not her. If the LW "can't get over" the fact that her erstwhile friend once had feelings for her and is stuck in an endless loop about it, then SHE is the one with a problem. Most liklely along the lines of what I suggested.
Comment: #18
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Mon Mar 25, 2013 6:59 AM
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Re: Bobaloo
"If the LW had "gotten over it," she wouldn't have written."
That's why I told her she needs to get over it. Her discomfort is her problem. If she gets over it, she won't have discomfort, and she won't have a problem.
Comment: #19
Posted by: Zoe
Mon Mar 25, 2013 7:01 AM
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@Bobaloo, actually, there is NO evidence in LW1 to suggest that the LW "knows" with any certainty that the friend is *still* crushing on her - especially since they clearly don't talk about the crush and haven't for some time. It's entirely possible the only place the crush exists now is in the LW's mind, not the friend's. In fact, LW may be *looking* for signs and over-interpreting every word or gesture her friend makes *because* she's so weirdly focused on it.
So in regards to LW1, I'd say forget the lesbian aspect of it, and just treat this like any other case of being hit on by a friend that you aren't interested in. Which LW has already done. She made it clear to her friend she wasn't interested, but does want to stay friends, and talks about her dating life with other people... so unless the friend has some mental or emotional problems, the friend *already got the message* and probably doesn't say anything any more because she's moving on.
And if the friend brings it up again, just lather, rinse, and repeat -- forget the lesbian aspect, just say "I'm sorry, I already told you, I'm not interesting in being anything other than friends, and if you can't accept that, then maybe we shouldn't even be friends. I really need to you to hear what I'm saying and respect this."
Comment: #20
Posted by: Mike H
Mon Mar 25, 2013 7:04 AM
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Bravo, Mike H, Chris, and others. I especially liked Mike's advice to treat this like anyone else who had a romantic interest in you that you didn't return. Granted it does make a friendship awkward but you may be overthinking this, LW1. You told her that you had no romantic interest in her, and she did not bring it up again. She can still be your friend; I'm sure she won't mention this again. She knows you don't share her feelings. Please try to relax, and just be her friend.
Comment: #21
Posted by: Emily
Mon Mar 25, 2013 7:13 AM
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LW1: I'm with Zoe. You sound like a drama queen. Most likely, over drinks, your friend told you she thought you were cute, or that if you were a lesbian she would date you. You probably overreacted, brought it up again while sober, and your friend, not wanting to make a big deal out of it, said “I can't change my feelings.” If your friend actually does something that makes you uncomfortable, then say something or limit the friendship. But there's no indication she has any feelings for you. Maybe she just likes the idea of someone pining over her…
Comment: #22
Posted by: Casey
Mon Mar 25, 2013 7:23 AM
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Re: Mike H
""I'm sorry, I already told you, I'm not interesting in being anything other than friends, and if you can't accept that, then maybe we shouldn't even be friends. I really need to you to hear what I'm saying and respect this."
That is, IF there are new overtures matching the single one dating back years. There is no indication that there has been.
Right now, it's more like, "I just can't get over that you once fantazised about having sex with me, that's DISGUSTING, I don't think we should see each other again".
Comment: #23
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Mon Mar 25, 2013 7:23 AM
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Re: Emily
"Please try to relax, and just be her friend."
If she can, that would be wonderful, but if she's so "devastated" and obsessed that she's writing to an advice columnist about it, it doesn t look iike she can, because that's all she can think about, and the "crush" is all that is associated with her friend in her mind now.
What does she expect the Annies to do or tell her? It's not like the gay friend is harassing and stalking her, she's obsessing about something that happened years ago and has had NO follow-up!
Comment: #24
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Mon Mar 25, 2013 7:27 AM
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LW2, there are all sorts of reasons it might not be working, but you need to go back to the people who fitted and sold it to you, and possible your doctor as well. Don't be so quick to give up on this without exploring all your options, even if the subject of your hearing loss makes you uncomfortable.
LW3, I agree with the LW's attitude here, and I believe I did during the original discussion. I think the Annies and the original LW may have been jumping to conclusions a bit -- although I think I also made a joke about a "Leverage"-type scam in which the guests were trying to pass the house off as their own for some unrelated hijinks. :-)
If it's just a framed photo standing on an end table or cabinet, it's just a lovely gesture and gift. If they hang it on your wall, it's creepy and presumptuous.
Comment: #25
Posted by: Mike H
Mon Mar 25, 2013 7:32 AM
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@Lise, absolutely agree -- I think most of this may just be in the LW's mind at this point. But *if* for any reason the friend does make another pass, then that line would be useful -- and again, treating it just as if it were a guy friend that LW wasn't interested in making a second pass.
Comment: #26
Posted by: Mike H
Mon Mar 25, 2013 7:37 AM
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I agree with Chris on LW1.
I brought up the point of switching the lesbian friend to a male straight friend in my initial response to this, and disagree that it makes the LW look "sillier" or like a drama queen.
If a straight male had hit on the LW (which is what happened, only it was a lesbian), everyone here would be saying "listen to your gut" and not "Oh you are full of yourself she's over you." Honestly.
I had a lesbian friend who hit on me when I was in college and it completely changed the dynamic of the relationship. When ANYONE hits on you, it changes the friendship. I've had straight guy friends come on to me, and it changes the relationship. When a person of the same sex comes on to you, it is still coming on to you. It doesn't matter who does it.
Comment: #27
Posted by: nanchan
Mon Mar 25, 2013 7:40 AM
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Re: nanchan
"If a straight male had hit on the LW (which is what happened, only it was a lesbian), everyone here would be saying "listen to your gut" and not "Oh you are full of yourself she's over you." Honestly."
Sure. If it happened yesterday. It happened over a year ago. It really is time to get over it - the friend appears to have moved on and is content to maintain a simple friendship. If LW1 can't get over herself and do that too, she needs to find a new friend, instead of asking how to "confront" her about it.
And yeah, when someone uses words like "devastated" and "confront" with regards to a crush over a year ago, that is being a drama queen.
"I had a lesbian friend who hit on me when"
And if you met her again today and renewed your friendship with her, would you obsess over how to confront her on that "sensitive issue"?
The fact is, everyone wants to have sex with everyone, but most are too shy/socially appropriate to say anything about it. I'm being facetious of course but you get my meaning. If I spent my life freaking out over who wanted to get freaky with me, I'd have no male or lesbian friends. Not because automatically everyone wants to bone (or clam??) but because OMG what if they DID how would I confront them!!
Comment: #28
Posted by: Zoe
Mon Mar 25, 2013 7:53 AM
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In regards to the second letter, I worked giving tech support by phone from Argentina to a mainly North American audience. The products were bluetooth headsets. Most of the conversations lasted less than two minutes, since most people called asking how to make the device connect with the cellphone, upon which I would say (nicely, of course) "See the only button on the device? You need to press it for two seconds until the light turns green. Ok, there you go." My co-workers that worked for European markets didn't have to go through this 20 times a day. Don't mean to judgmental, but let's face it, a great deal of North Americans don't even bother to read the first few pages of the instruction manual before deciding that the product doesn't work and that it was all a scam.
Comment: #29
Posted by: Volpe
Mon Mar 25, 2013 8:10 AM
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LW1- If you were gay, and you wondered if a friend was a possible romantic interest, the only way you could find out is to ask her. She did, you said no. I bet that settled the issue for her. She no longer considers you a possible romantic quest. But you probably overthought the whole thing 'oh, my gosh, do I come across as GAY?, am I giving off a vibe? ....'. So get over yourself. She probably felt bad that you lost a year of friendship over your insecurities. If you still want to be friends, remember, gay people have straight friends, too. Straight people have gay friends. And stop thinking that there is a big plot by gay people to recruit straight people as lovers.
Comment: #30
Posted by: Patty Bear
Mon Mar 25, 2013 8:38 AM
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Re: Zoe
Totally agree. I was proposed to 40 years ago by a very nice man. I reluctantly turned him down,
because I could see him only as a friend. 40 years later, we are still great friends. Had he ever
renewed his proposal, I would have ended the friendship. But he didn't. He moved on, and I moved
on. I am glad that I did not end the friendship because of the one proposal. The LW might be
depriving herself of a beautiful friendship - she needs to move on.
Comment: #31
Posted by: Doree
Mon Mar 25, 2013 8:46 AM
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Re: Volpe
Good point. Therefore:
LW2 -
This is not like a pair of glasses that you just put on. Have you read the instruction booklet? Please do so, there will be some kind of set up or configuration necessary before the device works its magic. If you've done that and still are not getting results, go back to the place where you bought it and ask for assistance, because there may be something you have mksunderstood and are doing wrong. If nothing helps and the device is defective, look into a reimbursement or a replacement. Surely for that kind of money there is a guarantee.
If you're such a wimp that you would rather cry all night than act like a grown-up and get basic customer service, enlist one of your friends with a normal mouth to go with you. Sheesh.
Comment: #32
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Mon Mar 25, 2013 8:48 AM
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@Patty Bear, well said -- and straight people who get hit on by gay people should not think "Oh, do I come off as gay?", but rather realize that they are coming off as "attractive". It's a compliment!
Even the best of us sometimes have problems with our gaydar, especially when we find someone attractive.
But it's just getting hit on by someone that you aren't attracted to, regardless of gender. Take the compliment for what it is, and let them down politely but unambiguously.
Comment: #33
Posted by: Mike H
Mon Mar 25, 2013 8:52 AM
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LW2: When my mother developed a hearing problem, I brought her to an audiologist who tested her and then surgically implanted high-tech hearing aids in her ears. Problem solved! PLEASE take the columnists' advice and see a professional who can find the right type of hearing aids for you.
Comment: #34
Posted by: PuaHone
Mon Mar 25, 2013 8:53 AM
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LW2: My fiance's grandfather couldn't hear for years. One day the doctor pulled out a ball of wax the size of a small planet and viola! He could hear until the day he died!
Comment: #35
Posted by: msladymich
Mon Mar 25, 2013 9:06 AM
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Something Doree said is true - LW1's friend probably asked her if she shared her feelings because she wanted to know. How many times have we heard that advice in life! "You like him? Just ask him, otherwise you'll regret it forever!" Doesn't mean she was ever madly in love with the LW. I really believe that for many things, there is no harm in asking. It's too bad LW1 can't over the fact that her friend expressed some interest in her over a year ago.
Comment: #36
Posted by: Zoe
Mon Mar 25, 2013 12:06 PM
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Re: Zoe:
"Sure. If it happened yesterday. It happened over a year ago. It really is time to get over it - the friend appears to have moved on and is content to maintain a simple friendship."
I agree with this. My exH's sister dated one of his good friends when she was 18. It only lasted 3 months or so and he ended up moving out of state. Well, 13 YEARS later, he wound up moving back to their home town and he reconnected with my ex. When exSIL found out that this guy was coming to our wedding, she freaked out and started going on and on about how - more or less - he was probably still in love with her and would want to talk to her and try to rekindle things. I remember thinking to myself, "My, my...don't we have a high opinion of ourselves! You honestly think this guy is still pining for you after 13 years??" He showed up at the wedding with his long time girlfriend, said hello to exSIL, asked her how she was doing and then enjoyed the reception. Some people think crushes and feelings last forever with them.
Comment: #37
Posted by: Michelle
Mon Mar 25, 2013 12:53 PM
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Re: msladymich #35
No wonder he couldn't hear with a viola in his ear! LOL
Comment: #38
Posted by: Miss Pasko
Mon Mar 25, 2013 12:56 PM
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LW1 -- just chiming in to agree with the vast majority of the BTL, which has suggested the person who really needs to get over this is you, not your friend. The fact that you had an actual conversation about this several years ago and have also gone to the trouble of inserting "helpful hints" that your sexuality hasn't changed any during the last year that you two were out of contact is probably more than sufficient. Just because your friend SEVERAL YEARS AGO said that she couldn't change her feelings doesn't mean that she still has them today and certainly doesn't mean she would act on them if she still did. Is it possible she still has feelings for you? Of course. Is it also possible that if she still has feelings for you she will eventually renew her declaration in hope that yours have changed too? Sure. And IF that happens, you simply say, "when we first had this conversation, you said you couldn't change your feelings, well neither can I, and mine haven't changed, nor will we. If you cannot accept that, then it's probably best for both of us to discontinue this friendship."
But if I had to guess: your friend either no longer has those feelings for you, or even if she does, she has long since come to the realization that you are not able to reciprocate those feelings and has no intention of renewing any such declaration. In all likelihood, the only person who needs to get over this crush is you.
Comment: #39
Posted by: Lisa
Mon Mar 25, 2013 2:10 PM
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@nanchan -- on the difference between a lesbian crush and a straight male having a crush on a straight female...
There ARE a few notable differences in the dynamics of a lesbian crush on a straight female and straight male having a crush on a straight female:
1) When a straight woman rejects the advances of a lesbian, it's not quite so personal -- as the lesbian can truthfully tell herself, "it's not that's she's not attracted to ME, it's that she's no attracted to ANY woman." Whereas with a straight man crushing on a straight woman, her rejection is far more personal -- she IS attracted to men, she's just not attracted to HIM. I have to think that is harder to take for the straight male than it is for the lesbian, as it absolutely DOES have to do with him and IS personal. Therefore, if anything, I would think the change in the relationship dynamic should actually be a much bigger deal in a heterosexual situation than a gay person crushing on a straight person.
2) Assuming both parties believe that sexuality is "fixed," the lesbian has no reason to believe that the straight woman's feelings for her are EVER going to change (unless, of course, the lesbian believes the straight woman is secretly in the closet and in denial). So, it's potentially easier for a lesbian to just sort of move on, as she has no good reason to think that the straight woman's feelings could change one day. Whereas, with a straight male and a straight female, the fact that the woman wasn't into him a couple of years ago does NOT mean that she might one day feel differently for him. He has more reason to hope or think that the object of his affection might eventually be attracted to him. So, again, if anything, I would think the change in the relationship dynamic should actually be a bigger deal in a heterosexual scenario.
I think that's why so many of us at the BTL are telling this LW to just get over it, already, as opposed to "listen to your gut."
Comment: #40
Posted by: Lisa
Mon Mar 25, 2013 2:30 PM
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One more thought on LW1... to cut the LW a small bit of slack, I will say that it does make a difference the degree of importance/closeness of the relationship. When I was in college, I knew a couple of women who were roommates. They were best friends. I liked both of them and we were in a club together, but I wasn't super close with either of them. When one of them came out, the whole club rallied around her and supported her...except for her roommate and best friend. She was just too weirded out by the whole thing, was concerned that her best friend wanted more from her than friendship, etc. It was a difficult time for both of them, and it was difficult for the members of the club to try to be there for both of them. But the one woman's coming out just didn't have the same impact on the relationship dynamic for the rest of us in that club the way it did for the woman who was her roommate and had previously been her best friend. It took a long time for them to repair the relationship, but they eventually did.
But at a totally different end of the spectrum, a couple of years ago, a lesbian friend of mine told me that if I were gay, she'd ask me out. She was well aware that I am straight. I took this as a compliment, which is exactly how she intended it. I also believed (and still believe) that it was also her way of telling me that if I was ever bi-curious, she'd be open to helping me experiment, as it were. I believed (and still believe) that partly due to other conversations we have had over the years of our friendship, not simply because I think I am just that irresistible. As noted, I took this as a compliment and moved on and basically thought nothing of it. There is no residual awkwardness. But part of the big difference here is that although we have known each other for years, and we are friends, we are not all that close -- seeing each other only very occasionally. It's a whole lot easier to be blase about this when it's someone who doesn't play that big of a role in your life.
Having said that, my original statements about this stand -- LW1 needs to move on unless or until she has good reason to believe that her friend hasn't.
Comment: #41
Posted by: Lisa
Mon Mar 25, 2013 2:41 PM
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Re: Miss Pasko
Good one! I missed the misspelling of "voila".
Comment: #42
Posted by: Kitty
Mon Mar 25, 2013 3:07 PM
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LW2 - The company who sold the hearing aid was probably not scamming the LW. I know several people who are hard of hearing and use hearing aids of one kind or another. Most had to try more than one kind before they found one that was compatible to their particular problem, and the company would probably be willing to work with the LW if he/she communicated with them about it. He/she should also take the suggestions mentioned by the Annies and those here BTL before giving up and blaming the company who provided the hearing aid. It COULD have been a scam, but until the LW attempts to work with them, it's not a given.
Comment: #43
Posted by: Kitty
Mon Mar 25, 2013 3:34 PM
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Re: Michelle #37
" Some people think crushes and feelings last forever with them."
Especially since the crush itself happened "a few years ago" (first line of the letter). What happened over a year ago is that the LW stopped talking to her friend.
Comment: #44
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Mon Mar 25, 2013 4:46 PM
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Re: the hearing aid letter, a lot of people are being too hard on the LW. It could be that the hearing aid battery has gone dead; it could be that it's not fitted or working properly, and that the customer service department could help; or it could be that she's a victim of fraud, i.e., someone who gave her a worthless piece of plastic to put in her ear and took her last $5000. I suspect that she is elderly, trying to deal with this situation alone, and may have been targeted by someone who took her money and ran. If the seller was legitimate, she should go back to them, explain that it's not working, and ask for either (1) a refund or (2) a repair. If they were not legitimate, if they essentially stole her money in return for a worthless item and she can't recover the funds, I don't blame her for having a good cry. (But when she'd done crying, I would say, get a lawyer and do everything you can to get your $5000 back.)
Comment: #45
Posted by: sarah morrow
Mon Mar 25, 2013 5:24 PM
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Mike H, Zoe, Lise (earlier posts):
First, sorry that I didn't respond quickly to your comments earlier -- Monday is our deadline day and right now I'm trying to do the work of two people at work (due to a vacancy that we hope to fill soon). I'm getting stuff done, but man is it ever stressful.
Anyway, with just glancing at your comments and getting the basic gist of things, this much is clear -- no matter how much time has passed, she'll still have that thought of her friend as "having a crush on her." No words need to be said -- in the back of her mind, she'll always think that.
Maybe it's unfair. Maybe it's fair. But it is much easier said than done to rid herself of the idea that her friend had a crush on her, several years since it was last stated.
Comment: #46
Posted by: Bobaloo
Mon Mar 25, 2013 6:53 PM
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dear ann landers, my brother got married recently to a nice girl he's know & been living with a couple of years. apparently my mother passed on to him/her the wedding & engagement rings my father had given to her when they were married (my father passed away 10+ years ago). I found this out when he waved his brides hand in front of my face outside where the wedding & asked if I recogonized them. I was flabbergasted because I thought that traditionally the rings were usually passed on to the daughter or the engagement ring to the son & the wedding band to the daughter. I am very hurt Because my mother did not even let me know ahead of time. I also have not been given any memento or keepsake from my father. I am not surprised that she would not think to pass them on to me, but it would have been easier to accept if she at least let me know her plan ahead of time, I do not even know how to talk to her about my feelings. what is the proper ettiquite on this? incredibly hurt daughter.
Comment: #47
Posted by: juli strauss
Mon Mar 25, 2013 7:12 PM
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Re: juli strauss
The proper etiquette is to not expect a consultation on the disposal of something that doesn't belong to you.
I'm sorry you're hurt, but the ring was your mother's, it was not communal property, and she had the right to give it to whoever she chose. It's like an inheritance, you know? Not owed, it's their money, they can leave it to their kitty cat if they want to.
There is no "tradition" about what to do with your own stuff. Until you've given it to someone or sold it, it's yours to dispose of as you see fit. Evidently, your mother wanted this lovely girl to have it, and she didn't need your permission.
Perhaps once you realise nothing was owed to you in the first place, you will be less hurt - it's not like you were slighted. I suggest you take a deep breath, get over it, and enjoy your mother while you have her. Life is too short to get all worked up over a piece of jewellery.
As for the mementoes of your father, did you ask? Nobody is a mind reader and your mother may not have realised it mattered to you - it doesn't to everybody. Did all the available mementoes get distributed already? If not, ask for something. Is yes, see if one of the family members who got more than one can part with one for your sake.
P.S.: Ann Landers passed away several years ago. Her long-time assistants have taken over her column under another name - "Annie's Mailbox".
P.P.S.: You are in the commentary section here. If you want the columnists, click on "Write the Authors" underneath the archive calendar at the top right of the page. But I'll warn you - you'll probably get better advice BTL, and you'll get more than one, and much faster too! ;-D
Comment: #48
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Mon Mar 25, 2013 7:39 PM
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Re: Lisa
BIG assumption there: sexuality is NOT always "fixed". A lot of people are bisexual. Ever hear of that? It can be fluid and preferences change over time. This seems to be particularly true of women.
As for your assumption that somehow it's easier for a lesbian to be rejected by an ostensibly straight woman than it is for a straight man to suffer the same rejection, all I can say is you see the world in black & white, obviously. I'm assuming you're straight because you sure don't seem to know what goes through the mind of a lesbian. Don't presume to speak for us, please.
Comment: #49
Posted by: WinehouseFan
Mon Mar 25, 2013 8:09 PM
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LW1- It doesn't even sound as though the friend hit on the LW- the LW "found out" the friend had feelings for her and probably brought it up herself. She said her friend "doesn't like speaking openly about her feelings", so if the LW had dropped it, it probably wouldn't have been an issue. Just let it go.
LW2- You skipped a step, i.e. taking the hearing aids back to where you bought them and telling them you aren't satisfied. If they refuse to take them back or help you, THEN it's a scam, but more likely it's a minor technical problem.
Comment: #50
Posted by: Lucy
Mon Mar 25, 2013 8:52 PM
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@Bobaloo, then that's the LW's own *internal* problem, though, if she'll "always" think that -- because what most people who are mature and grown-up would remember is their friend having HAD a crush on them, not still HAVING a crush on them.
The friend isn't the issue at all, any more -- if you are correct, and this is how the LW thinks, then it's all *just* in her own head. And she kinda should "get over herself" already.
I've had plenty of people hit on me through the years -- I'm not going to assume that, years later, they STILL have the hots for me.
Although I wouldn't blame them, either. ;-)
Comment: #51
Posted by: Mike H
Tue Mar 26, 2013 5:02 AM
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@WinehouseFan -- sorry to have offended you, but I think you partly misread what I wrote. I said assuming both of the parties involved think sexuality is fixed -- in other words, I'm not saying that sexuality definitely is fixed, I am saying that IF both the LW and her friend believe that sexuality is not a "choice," then at least the friend can say to herself, "well, it's not that she isn't attracted to me, specifically and personally, she is not attracted to women, period, and she doesn't have a choice in the matter." But if the friend had been a straight male, he really kind of has to take it personally that she is not attracted to HIM, specifically, since she is, in fact, attracted to men. Kind of hard NOT to take that personally.
Yes, I have heard of bisexuality. I am also aware that sexuality is far more complex than "I was born straight, so I am straight, and I will always be straight, and I will never ever have sexual/romantic feelings for a member of the same sex." I am also aware of the fact that some people do believe that one's sexuality IS a choice. I do not claim to know how it is for anyone but myself -- I was born straight. I didn't choose to be attracted to men, that just is the way I am. I don't claim to know if, perhaps, at some point in the future I might be attracted to women. I can only say that at present it is not the case, and I DOUBT that it ever will be the case, but I suppose you never know.
So, yes, the assumption that both parties in this particular case believe that sexuality is "fixed" is a big assumption, and I have no scientific basis to know to what degree this would be a safe assumption or not. But that is exactly why I said "assuming" -- in other words, I was basing what I was saying on that assumption, but I was acknowledging that it IS an assumption and not something I can know to be true.
Finally, I am also aware that emotions -- especially where crushes are concerned -- are rarely logical. So, the possibility that the LW's friend could tell herself, "well, it's not that she's not attracted to ME, it's that she's not attracted to women, period," doesn't automatically lessen her pain. She can understand that intellectually but still feel all the emotional turmoil of unrequited feelings. But I do think that when we are able to see something as being "more abstract" and not about ourselves, it's far easier to take something less personally (or not take it personally at all), and that usually does help to mitigate the pain and/or speed the recovery from it. That is human nature -- not lesbian nature. As I am, in fact, human, I thought it was OK for me to presume to speak about humanity, at least in a general sense.
Comment: #52
Posted by: Lisa
Tue Mar 26, 2013 6:34 AM
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Re: Lisa
"at least the friend can say to herself, "well, it's not that she isn't attracted to me, specifically and personally, she is not attracted to women, period, and she doesn't have a choice in the matter."
For that matter, she wouldn't have a "choice" of being attracted to her even if she WAS for women. We don't choose who our bodies like any more than we choose the gender we go for!
We can't "make" ourselves be attracted to someone who does absolutely nothing for us physically. It may feel more personal when someone is not attracted to you in particular, but it is not something than can be controlled any more than gender attraction.
Comment: #53
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Mar 26, 2013 7:08 AM
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@Lise -- I would generally agree with that, even though I have said in the past (and still believe, as a result of personal experience) that someone to whom we are not initially attracted to can, indeed, grow in attraction after getting to know them better, seeing them in a different light, etc. But even being a big believer in that, I still agree that you can't "force" yourself to be attracted to someone, just as you can't force someone else to be attracted to you!
I've not been in a position where I was attracted to a man and then found out he was gay, but I imagine that, while there would be initial disappointment that clearly there just wasn't ever going to be any potential for romance between us, that it would be a little easier to accept with fewer ruffled feathers on my part than if I was attracted to a straight man who potentially COULD have been attracted to me, but was not. I wouldn't be able to say, "well, he's not attracted to ANY women, so it's nothing about ME, personally." Instead, I would have to accept that there was something about me that was not attractive to him -- hence, harder not to take that personally.
Moreover, if I had a crush on a gay man, I'd be far less likely to think, "but maybe someday he WILL be attracted to me," or "if he got to know me better, he'd be attracted to me," or "if I do this or that, he might be attracted to me" -- I'd basically just accept, "he's gay, he's NEVER going to be attracted to me, no matter how well he gets to know me or no matter what I say/do/wear/etc." Hence, easier to move on more quickly.
What I like about having gone through this process with you here (even though few others, including WinehouseFan, are likely to see it), is that you have also helped me further demonstrate that this wasn't necessarily "presuming" to know how a lesbian would feel. By turning the tables such that I'm talking about me, as a straight woman, having a crush on a gay man, I'm able to make the point without "speaking for lesbians."
Comment: #54
Posted by: Lisa
Tue Mar 26, 2013 4:07 PM
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Re: Lisa
"someone to whom we are not initially attracted to can, indeed, grow in attraction after getting to know them better, seeing them in a different light, etc."
Of course, and I myself believe that as well, and I have had that personal experience too. But I was more likely referring to someone we actually find UNattractive to the point of repulsion. And although there are exceptions to everything, as a general rule, people don't flip on their gender attraction.
Comment: #55
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Wed Mar 27, 2013 10:55 AM
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Re: Mike H (#51)
"The friend isn't the issue at all, any more -- if you are correct, and this is how the LW thinks, then it's all *just* in her own head. And she kinda should "get over herself" already."
While I agree – it's a LOT easier said than done.
Comment: #56
Posted by: Bobaloo
Thu Mar 28, 2013 2:07 PM
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