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Ex-Rated Movie
I've been with my boyfriend for a year. We were best friends and talked about everything — what our kids would be like, projects we'd do together, magical worlds, and even other people we found attractive. Then, on his computer, I accidentally clicked on what I thought was just some porn video, but I recognized his blanket and realized it was he and his ex-girlfriend having sex (when they were dating). I had a very hard time seeing him with someone else and have become very sensitive and jealous, and this has set our relationship on edge. We don't talk as we used to. So many areas have become off-limits (even just whom he had lunch with) because he's so afraid that anything he says will upset or hurt me. I want to communicate as we used to when I was his "cool girlfriend." — Shut Out
Katharine Hepburn could have made a sex tape without anyone ever knowing, because after the 8 mm film got transferred to video, her image would have been hard to discern from that of Ernest Borgnine, Sasquatch, or Yogi Bear.
Thanks to technological advances, whenever some dermatologist in Idaho clicks up Kim Kardashian's sex tape, her agent probably gets a call telling him she's got some 2 mm birthmark that needs looking at. As distressing as it is that you could probably pick your boyfriend's ex out of a lineup — one from the waist down — it's not like you found footage of him clubbing squirrels. You just got unfortunate visual confirmation of what you already knew: He had a girlfriend before you. They did more than spoon.
Jealousy is a good thing when it rears its little green head to warn of an actual threat to the relationship: "Eeek! He's having sex with another woman..." But jealousy needs a slap in the mouth from reason when there is no real threat: "...and it happened a year before we'd even met." To help yourself think rationally, don't be nebulously hysterical ("I'm afraaaaid!"). Verbalize exactly what you're actually afraid of — probably that he'd leave you, maybe for his ex. Next, consider what would happen if he actually did. The world would not end. Your head would not fall off, roll under the bed, and become a cat toy. You'd probably sob into your pillow for a few months, but you'd eventually get over him and get on with your life.
To get back the relationship you had, start acting as if you'd never lost it — meaning, when your boyfriend asks you the time, you just tell him; you don't shriek that all you can see is that clock on the nightstand in his sex video. There's a good deal of research, laid out by psychologist Dr. Richard Wiseman in "The As If Principle," that suggests that changing how you behave is actually the fastest, most effective way to change how you feel. Let your boyfriend know that you know your fears aren't rational, that you're going to stop acting like they are, and that he, in turn, needs to stop treating you like a bomb that could be triggered by "pass the salt." Before long, you should be his cool girlfriend again — faster, probably, if that blanket from the video finds its way to some homeless man. Ideally, he should be one who isn't in your neighborhood, lest your response to "Spare change?" be "You whore!"
Jest Not That Into You
Women always say they like a man with a good sense of humor. What exactly does that mean? I think I'm funny. Do I have to bust right out with a bunch of hilarity on the first date? — A Guy
If a woman agrees to go out with you, it isn't so she can finally find out why the chicken crossed the road. She either wants a free dinner or wants to figure out whether you're worth seeing again. You're unlikely to score a second date by pelting her with jokes and one-liners, which suggests you prepared for the evening by memorizing the joke book on the back of the toilet. What impresses a woman are shows of wit — spontaneous expressions of humor in response to something she says or something around you. Wit reflects intelligence while communicating your worldview — telling her who you are far more interestingly than droning on about your major and your dream to someday get your boss to assign you a better parking space. That said, don't get so caught up in making her laugh that you forget that connecting with her is the point. Make her feel like a one-woman audience for your "act" and she'll figure out for herself why the chicken crossed the road. (Because it would rather be hit by a car than listen to another one of your jokes.)
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave., #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or email AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com). Alkon is the author of "I See Rude People: One Woman's Battle To Beat Some Manners Into Impolite Society."
COPYRIGHT 2013 AMY ALKON
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM
It's Amy Alkon's Advice Goddess Radio! "Nerd your way to a better life," with the best brains in science solving your love, dating, sex, and relationship problems. Listen live every Sunday — http://www.blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon — 7-8 p.m. PT, 10-11 p.m. ET, or download the podcast at the link. The call-in number during the show is 347-326-9761. This week, Dr. Gabrielle Principe on the science behind why the overstructured, overscheduled childhood is bad for kids.
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon/2013/03/04/dr-gabrielle-principe-parenting-sans-paranoia
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Comments
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11 Comments | Post Comment
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"because he's so afraid that anything he says will upset or hurt me."
That's probably because it will. The problem is you, not him. You might try looking at it this way: that very time with his ex that you witnessed was part of what helped shape him into the boyfriend you love today. Had he not spent time with her, he might very well be a completely different person that you would not choose to date.
Regardless...you need to either get over yourself about his past life and appreciate what he is now, or get out of the relationship because quite honestly, you aren't ready to be in one.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Paul W
Tue Mar 19, 2013 7:29 AM
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LW1 -
I dunno, man... My first question about that video is, was this privately stored on his hard disk, or was it on the Net? My second would be, how can you be sure your sexual prowesses with him won't end up on a video also? I personally wouldn't want a video of me having sex to exist, private or not, since that line can so easily be crossed - anything existing on someone's hard disk can be shared with the entire planet with one click of the mouse. Angry exes (not to mention jealous new girlfriends) have been known to do catty things like that.
As for going ballistic because you've got proof positive that he's not a virgin, I'll tell you the same I would tell a man in the same position... you're not a virgin either. I think you have bigger things to worry about and you're focusing on the wrong issue.
LW2 -
When people have a sense of humour, OTHER people think they're funny. You're not funny if you're the only one laughing at your jokes. And btw, the main reason why women like a man with a sense of humour is not because they want to spend the evening in stitches and hiccuping with laughter (they can go to the comedy club for that), but because some of the things they value in a man is that he has enough subtlety to be able to perceive a second level of meaning, and that he doesn't take himself too seriously - the best humour is when you're laughing at yourself. What Amy said.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Mar 19, 2013 9:05 AM
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LW1 -- Knowing your BF had sex with someone else before he met you is one thing -- actually seeing video of it is another thing altogether. I do not blame you for your overreaction -- because even though it IS an overreaction (you did know he had sex before you, right?) it's still basically human nature, I think. I think Amy's advice was good -- tell him you are well aware of the fact that your response to this has been totally irrational but that the best way for you to move forward from here is for him to stop walking on eggshells -- which he will only do if you promise him (and then show him) that you will not continue to overreact.
But I think Lise potentially raises some key points, as well. Hopefully, that video was made with the woman's full knowledge and consent. Technically, it's really none of your business if it was or not, so I'm not sure you should actually ask him about that specific video. But you may well need to have some sort of conversation with him about whether you are or are not open to making such a video and ensuring that such a video doesn't already exist somewhere.
LW2 -- the thing is, "having a sense of humor" isn't about cracking jokes and "busting out with a bunch of hilarity." It's about being able to see the humor in life, especially when things aren't going your way. When someone accidentally spills something on you, do you freak out, get angry and stay angry for hours? Or do you laugh and say something like, "well, it's not a party until someone spills something on me!" and then accept apologies graciously and move on? Having a sense of humor is as much about being able to make fun of yourself as it is the ability to see funny things in others. It's about not taking yourself too seriously. If your takeaway from "I want a guy with a sense of humor" is that what every woman is looking for is a guy with a million one-liners, I'm going to suggest you may not have much of a sense of humor.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Lisa
Tue Mar 19, 2013 2:24 PM
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LW1 - I get that you're mainly upset by seeing something that you know happened & that viewing it made it real to you in a way it wasn't before. However, if what you're upset about is that he wasn't a virgin when he met you, get over that. You no doubt already knew that. On the other hand, if what you're disturbed about is his having a sex video of him & someone else and you wonder what use he is putting that to now ... or you wonder if his ex-gf knew he made the video or if he made it without her knowledge ... or you wonder if there are some secret videos of you & him having sex that you don't know about ... or you wonder if that secret footage of you & him might be on youtube or facebook some day ... or if not youtube, maybe some future gf will get to watch them just like you watched the one you did ...well those are all legitimate things to worry about and get resolved. You don't have to be the "cool girlfriend" or pretend that you're not bothered when you are. You only have to be who you are, own your feelings, and make a rational decision about how to react to those feelings.
Comment: #4
Posted by: kai archie
Tue Mar 19, 2013 3:23 PM
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I understand LW's jealousy, but Amy is right on all points. At least LW knows she's being stupid, she just doesn't know how to stop. The only boyfirends I ever had that inspired jealousy in me were the ones who I knew, on some level, really weren't the right guy. My present (and last!) husband lived with three different women at different times in his young manhood, and ya know what? I'm not only okay with that, it makes me quietly pleased to know that I have a man that other women could appreciate.
Lise, I know I jump you sometimes when I think you're off the wall, but today you're right on. Go girl!
Comment: #5
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Wed Mar 20, 2013 5:47 AM
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I once had a boyfriend who thought he was HEE-lar-i-ous. As the saying goes, he was so funny I forgot to laugh, and we did not last long. One thing I have noticed over the years is that the majority of men who think they are funny, AREN'T. At least not to women. Men seem to find pranks and slapstick funny--when they're 12, it's the old sticking a frog down your dress or snapping your brastrap, and when they're 35...well, it's the old sticking a frog down your dress and snapping your brastrap. Or sticking a wet tongue in your ear, hiding your car keys, or putting ketchup into your coke. Women, on the other hand, find wordplay and situations humorous -- as Amy said, it's more about being a wit than a twit. But if a guy wants to figure out what women find funny, he can just watch some sitcoms and romcoms aimed at women. Read a few humorous women's books too.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Jane
Wed Mar 20, 2013 10:29 AM
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What women mean by a sense of humor is definitely not adolescent pranks and jokes. That guy is an idiot. A sense of humor means that instead of reacting with macho rage at every inconvenience in life, he understands that life is messy and that it doesn't always go the way he wants it to. If you're on a date with a guy who has a sense of humor and you're waiting for a table on a Saturday night and it takes longer than you'd hoped, a guy with a sense of humor will wink at you and say "It should be any minute now." and sincerely be okay with your companionship while you wait instead of going off on some kind of tear and stomping out. A guy with a sense of humor can make a situation that doesn't work out the way you hoped still be a great time because you're together and enjoying each other's company. I think "sense of humor" guy is not so much funny as in hilarious as he is funny as in pragmatic and charming as opposed to having an unpleasant temper.
Comment: #7
Posted by: LouisaFinnell
Wed Mar 20, 2013 12:20 PM
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Re: Lisa #3
" If your takeaway from "I want a guy with a sense of humor" is that what every woman is looking for is a guy with a million one-liners, I'm going to suggest you may not have much of a sense of humor."
He may not, but YOU do! Hee hee hee.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Wed Mar 20, 2013 7:41 PM
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@Lise B (8) -- in all seriousness, I find this similar to when men complain that women only go for the "bad boys" -- and they're always assuming that they are among the "nice guys." I feel like some of these guys are looking for a checklist of things they need to have/do/say/be to "get the girl" -- and if they only they knew what the one magic thing/line is that they're missing, they'd never spend another night alone in bed again. It never occurs to them that maybe the real problem is that they're looking for the wrong thing in the first place.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Lisa
Thu Mar 21, 2013 10:03 AM
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Re: Lisa
Not to mention the wrong things to offer. If you look at "desirable qualities" for a man to have in order to "get the girl", as if it was a checklist of options for a car, then you obviously don't really have any of them and the best you can do it fake it. Which never works forever.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Mar 22, 2013 10:37 AM
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LW1--So you discovered that your boyfriend wasn't a virgin when he met you and now you're jealous and moody. So the F*ck what?!? Get over yourself honey. And if you think for a single second that anyone believes you "accidentally" clicked the file then you must be the dumbest broad to ever live. While it probably wasn't the brightest idea of your boyfriend to make a video of his sexual adventures with the ex and even dumber of him not to password-protect his computer, it's all irrelevant because none of what you found is any of your goddamned business. Unless your boyfriend has recorded an encore performance recently or he's performing regularly for an on-line porn site, you need to stop obsessing about the fact that yes your boyfriend had previous girlfriends and yes, he had sex with them. If you can't do that then do your boyfriend a favor and leave. He deserves better.
LW2--If you have to ask, then you're a class one dork and that fact is going to overshadow any humor you might muster. Get a book called 'The Art of Seduction' by Robert Greene pronto.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Chris
Mon Mar 25, 2013 6:40 PM
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