Apartment for Rent: Will Consider Islamic Refugee
I own a 100-year-old three-decker house in a Massachusetts mill town. Each floor is its own apartment. We live in one of the apartments and rent the other two. If you do this right, the rent coming in from two units will nearly cover your mortgage.
My failed tenants have included one guy who skipped the rent and another who re-activated his crack addiction and vanished, leaving us with his girlfriend and an apartment full of rental furniture. The furniture was easier to get rid of than the girlfriend, who eventually succumbed to the lure of half the security deposit, in cash.
So, I have learned how to screen tenants and, with a possible flood of Syrian refugees rolling into my neighborhood and the possibility of "real" American competing with them for my clean, warm, dry apartments.
To make the process even more exact, I've compiled a brief questionnaire that can be given to the new arrivals in our country AND the true blue born here Americans of the kind I have dealt with thus far.
1) What do you do first thing in the morning?:
A. Wake up.
B. Shoot up.
C. Blow something up.
2) You see a "FOR RENT" sign in the window of a third floor apartment. What's your first thought?:
A. Good place to start.
B. Great! I can throw my trash out the window.
D. Not enough room for bomb-making operation.
3) How would you best describe your native country?:
A. The projects.
B. I'd die for it.
C. I want other people to die for it.
D. A smoking ruin full of violent religious bigots and you hope they NEVER send you back.
4) You like to shoot:
B. Members of other street gangs.
5) When you think of a revolution in the United States, you think:
A. That you and your camo-wearing, beer-drinking buddies will win.
B. We need one to "get rid of political correctness."
C. You lived through one in the old country. No thanks.
6) Your children are:
A. Those precious bundles you carried out of the old country on your back, through a landscape of burning buildings.
B. Living within five miles of you. Probably.
C. Costing you $65 a week in child support so your worthless ex-girlfriend can live the luxury life.
7) When someone says "gas station," you think:
A. I'd like to own one.
B. I'd like to work in one.
C. I robbed one once.
8) God says it's OK to kill:
D. People who sell you bad drugs.
I've got a little more tweaking to do, but I think I've got the basics.
To find out more about Marc Munroe Dion and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com.
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