Did you know it's back-to-school time?

It sure is. Back-to-school time begins precisely 37 minutes after kids have shot out of the schoolyard strewing a year's worth of math sheets — homework turning into scrap paper faster than Lot's wife turned to salt.

But much as Santa has become the fat guy stalking you a few days after Halloween, "back to school" has become the cloud filled with calculus looming over summer. You just know it's going to rain. Soon.

In particular, I, your columnist, know it's going to rain, as I am bombarded almost daily by all the possible pitches for all the possible pupil products and problems modern-day marketers can muster. That's because I'm considered a "mommy blogger" (gag gag gag), so I'm on some list that all the advertisers use when sending out massive mommy e-blasts, hoping to con some sucker into starting a column with, "Did you know it's back-to-school time?"

(Not the way I started this column — which was ironic! — but the way suckers start their columns.)

So what "must-haves" and "Parents, take note!" notes have migrated to my inbox? Allow me to share.

"As the summer days begin to dwindle down, children (and parents) are reluctantly preparing for the upcoming school year," begins a pitch for — strangely enough — personal battery-operated fans.

Why are these now necessities for children at school? Because "from recess play to extended outdoor field trips, children are especially vulnerable to suffering from dehydration and heat-related illnesses."

They are? Kids have been drooping — or possibly even dropping — because they have no idea what to do at the drinking fountain? So now they need a clip-on fan, as well as a water bottle/mist-spraying gewgaw, because otherwise they simply never would cool down after recess? "For complete protection, the body needs to cool both inside and out."

Really? Could the company belch out any more meaningless blather? Protection from what?! Does the body really "cool down inside"? Isn't it generally 98.6 degrees in there? This kind of pseudo-scientific mumbo jumbo drives me nuts.

Anyway, all I want to do is rant about the way companies make us think today's kids are the least resilient, most ready-to-keel-over kids ever to stagger across a playground. So here's another pitch letter I just got:

"The world of youth sports is more competitive than ever — that's why the new hot parenting trend is private coaches ... to prepare for back to school."

It's such a hot trend that I never heard of it. But I'm not surprised at the pitch. God forbid you send your kid out to the park with some friends and a ball when you could hire a private coach! (Just don't forget to test your child for steroids.)

Here's another one: "Packing lunches and snacks that are healthy while still being delicious can be a struggle."

Yep, right up there with learning how to walk after a shark eats your leg like a pretzel rod, that lunch thing is a real struggle. In fact, lunch-making pretty much defines struggle, doesn't it?

OK, last pitch: "Forgo the Go-Gurt and be the talk of the lunch table this fall with Lunchbox Buddies." Which are? Prewritten "silly" notes that parents are urged to insert even as they valiantly struggle to pack their child's lunch.

This is just a grab bag of my recent junk mail, all indicating that kids need extra help, hydration and encouragement as they head back to school, as do their parents.

If only to stave off the ads.

Lenore Skenazy is the author of "Free-Range Kids: How to Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts with Worry)" and "Who's the Blonde That Married What's-His-Name? The Ultimate Tip-of-the-Tongue Test of Everything You Know You Know — But Can't Remember Right Now." To find out more about Lenore Skenazy ([email protected]) and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.