So, Which Women Can I Grab?

By Marc Dion

October 17, 2016 3 min read

First of all, I haven't spent my whole life in my house, trying not to get a bruise. From the age of 14 to 26, I worked my way through school at a variety of dirty minimum wage jobs including dishwashing, bartending, janitorial work, loading dock work, a stint as a laborer on construction sites and many others. I've boxed a bit, and boxing gyms are rough places full of un-nice people. As a newspaper reporter, I've covered house fires and homicides, many of them in neighborhoods where people use bed sheets for curtains, if they have bed sheets.

There are rules in all those situations, even if the rules aren't apparent to people who are either driving by or just visiting.

I like rules. You like to know where you stand when you start, so, if you break the rules, you at least know to stand by for punishment.

One of our presidential candidates thinks the rules allow you to grab women, even if they don't want to be grabbed.

I understand that rule, but it's a little too broad. I need more instruction.

My wife says she was grabbed by a man when she was 13. That's too young, right? Still, 13 ends in "teen" and so does 19, so maybe it is all right. Twelve, though, 12 is too young, unless she looks 13, which is practically 19.

What about veterans? They got women veterans now. She's just out of the army and she's waitressing and she looks pretty hot. And it's not like she's in the army now. I think I can grab her.

A widow? Her husband got blown up serving his country in Afghanistan, but check out those legs! C'mon, grab a squeeze!

Somebody else's wife? Why not? I mean, don't try anything with MY wife, but some other guy's wife?

This isn't as hard as I thought.

Of course, you have to be rich. I'm not rich, but there are a lot of women who have a lot less money than I do. They think I'm rich. You know how often I have $100 in my pocket? A lot of times, especially on payday. You think that's not rich in some places?

When you're rich, when you have $100 on you and she's a single mother on welfare, she's gonna let you do anything you want.

And I'm not gonna grab anybody my age, either. I'll be 60 next May. Grabbing some woman my own age would be like groping my grandmother.

America's a strip club these days. Pull out the money. Everything else just comes to you.

To find out more about Marc Munroe Dion and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit Dion's latest book, "King of the World on $14 an Hour," was not ghost written for him while he sat in a strip club. It is a collection of his best 2014 columns and is available for Nook and Kindle.

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