The best way to do these questions justice is to read them through in one sitting, let them marinate awhile and then read them again and give your responses. Some may trigger immediate responses; others take more thought. But however you approach this exercise, please do not give the pat answer; search deeper for your real belief. Oh, another thing: If you so choose, this is for your eyes only.

—How do you feel about sex outside marriage? Does your religion, upbringing or personal morality make it out of bounds? Would denying those inner controls upset you so much that sexual activity in any form would be regretted?

—If you can enjoy sex outside marriage, how do you feel about sex outside caring?

—Would you get involved with someone even if you knew it was to be for a very short time — perhaps only one night? Under what circumstances?

—Can you imagine having sex on the very first date? If so, what ingredients would be needed? If not, when is a reasonable amount of time to begin sexual involvement?

—Ideally, how often would you like to have sex? How long can you go without it?

—Can you imagine having a married lover? Why or why not?

—Would consider having a sexual relationship with multiple lovers? (This deals with plural ongoing relationships, not group sex.)

—Do you enjoy periods of celibacy? For how long? Are you ever concerned about losing your sex drive?

—What do you think about giving yourself sexual pleasure? Masturbation is still taboo for some, but it's an issue you should resolve, given the episodic nature of sex in the unmarried world.

—If you are sexually active, have you settled on a safe and effective method of contraception?

—What do you most appreciate about sex? What makes it wonderful for you?

—Do you/would you ask a new partner his/her history of sexually transmitted disease before becoming intimate, even though it may be embarrassing?

—How do you plan to handle pressure from a date (or a partner) to have sex when you'd rather not?

—If you're a single parent, are you clear about your policy about sleepover lovers? Have you a way of separating the fulfillment of your adult needs from those of your children? How explicitly do you talk to your children about your own sexual fulfillment?

—Do you feel comfortable telling your partner (in detail) the pleasure points you enjoy most?

—How strongly do you feel about the answers you have given here? What, if anything, would change your mind about them?

—Do you feel you could adapt your sexual attitudes to make yourself more comfortable while unmarried? If so, what changes would you make?

You may want to talk out some of the questions with a close friend, especially when they defy resolution. The attention you give each other will make some tough questions easier to resolve. That's the idea behind these questions.

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at [email protected].