DEAR SUSAN: I can't figure out why I love this guy. He's romantic, but that's all I know about him. I've known him for three months, but I don't know much about the real person behind the smile. How can I do that? — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: The (sad) truth is that the men in our lives are rarely offered the straightforward, sisterly gestures of friendship we women give generously — and without much fuss — to other women in our lives. What I mean is — and I admit this sounds cuckoo at first — it's time to start treating the other gender like our own. For instance, send a man flowers; any excuse will do. You'll knock his socks off. Or ask a male friend to volunteer some weekend with you at a local charity. Ask the same man (or another) to share dinner with you at an eatery known for its casual tone. No special reason to meet, except that you like his smiling eyes and friendly style. When you have an extra ticket to an event he'd like — rock concert, Asian dance festival, museum showing off Andy Warhol's teapots — muster the courage to make the phone call to you-know-who. Yes, butterflies will dance in the pit of your stomach, but that's a sign you're growing, taking a risk. It's about time, no?

Now for the zinger: When next you need a shoulder to lean/cry on, ask your favorite male friend. Instead of running to your (female) best friend, try sharing your troubles with the man you've been befriending, the one you've come to trust. For a change, give a man the chance to help you iron out a rough patch. Confiding in him can bring the two of you closer and put feelings between you on a different plane — romantic partners as well as friends. This will be a new facet of your relationship, so take your time strengthening it before moving to the next. At the right time (you'll know when), you might feel inspired to start wooing him actively, perhaps even surprising him with a candlelight dinner at some romantic bistro. It will be fun splurging on the man who's proved himself to be a trusted friend. When you start looking at men as potential friends, a whole new world of possibilities opens. I wish it to you.

DEAR SUSAN: Some friends of mine had a hen party last week, and of course it was all about men. Most of them are very angry at men. I just broke off my engagement, but I don't feel that angry. Maybe I should. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: A lot of women mistake anger for progress, believing they must be furious at men to be considered liberated. They exchange battle cries and compare scars, incensed at men for reasons they really can't articulate. They seem to thrive on the latest male blunder. But when I do what I can to find out why they're so furious at the male of the species, they come back at me with clever slogans and pithy put-downs and imagine they've won the battle. And so they sit, justifying their rage to anyone who'll listen. The result is man-hating slogans in the "all men are dogs" genre.

But for the fun of it, let's suppose these haters decide to throw in the towel and reform. Suppose they suddenly find new ways to broaden their lives. The reasons they wave the white flag? Well, it could be they don't have the time or the energy; they have more important things to do; some of their best friends are men; they work with men every day and see too many of their human frailties (and strengths) to condemn them as a group.

The biggies, the more important reasons against bad-mouthing men? Consider: Now that you're getting your life together and figuring out what you really want from your time on earth, you realize that anger holds you back from attaining your goal. You're beginning to realize that some of your past problems with the male have been (at least partially) your responsibility. But the big enchilada, the major reason you need to stop cursing men blindly and start exploring your own psyche? So that you can discover the basis for the anger and give your love partner the best of yourself. Another scenario is out of the question.

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at [email protected].