Stop Covering for a Close Friend by Dr. Robert Wallace on Creators.com

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Stop Covering for a Close Friend

DR. WALLACE: I'm 16 and so is my closest friend, Maria. We have been friends ever since we were in first grade together. My mother and father are excellent parents. They don't let me do everything that I want to do, but they do give me the freedom to make most of my own decisions. Maria's parents are very strict. They don't allow her to date or even to have a boyfriend. She is a beautiful girl, but they don't allow her to wear clothes that are in style. Tight jeans, low-cut jeans and low-cut shirts are not permitted.

Maria and Kevin are a "couple" at school. Kevin is active in school activities (politics, athletics, drama) while Maria does nothing, but she attracts guys because she is beautiful and has a beautiful body hidden under her clothing.

Maria's parents allow her to come to my house on a Friday or Saturday night. That's when she and I go to a movie that is approved by her parents or to a school function. Now comes the sticky problem. My parents take Maria and me to all movies and activities. But when we go to a movie or function, Kevin is notified and he shows up and he and Maria take off in his car and are gone for a little over an hour. She always returns before the function ends. So far she has never been late, thank goodness.

The thing that bothers my conscience is that her parents like and trust me and when Maria takes off with Kevin, I feel somewhat responsible. What do you think? —Nameless, Miami, Fla.

NAMELESS: This is indeed a sticky situation. Maria is using you to get around her parents' strict rules, implicating you in the deception.

All you get is a guilty conscience and the chance to go to the movies alone, while she and Kevin have their surreptitious date.

I know you're simply trying to help your friend have a normal social life, but this way is not acceptable. Maria and you need to have a talk. Maria needs to understand that she has to find a different way to get together with her boyfriend if she wants to continue sneaking behind her mother's back.

MY BOYFRIEND ORDERS MY RESTAURANT FOOD

DR. WALLACE: I'm 19 years old, 5 feet, 5 inches tall and weigh 123 pounds. I thought that I had the perfect weight for my height, but my boyfriend of six weeks doesn't think so. He said that he wants me down to a svelte 113 pounds. At first I thought he was kidding, but he continues to harp that I'm 10 pounds overweight. When we go out to eat, which isn't often, he does my ordering, and it's always low-calorie, low-fat foods.

My friends and family think I have a great figure, but not my boyfriend. I like this guy except for his stupid demand about losing 10 pounds. How should I handle my problem? —Rosa, Houston, Tex.

ROSA: It's time to lay down the law with your control-freak boyfriend. He has no business demanding that you lose weight and certainly no right to order your meals for you. The next time he rudely crosses that line, tell him to mind his own business. If this doesn't put him in his place, make it your last date with him. You deserve a boyfriend who accepts you for who you are.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at rwallace@galesburg.net. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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LW: It seems to me that Maria's parents are, well, rather conservative. Actually, make that *very*, even by going with the rules you say she has to follow. Heck, they may be strict even by 1950s standards. There could be any number of reasons for that – wanting her to avoid the temptations of sex, drugs and rock and roll is perhaps just one – but whatever the reason, Maria's parents have their own vision of what makes a "good" child.

Right now, you're fortunate that you're allowed to be Maria's friend. I wonder what'd happen if they found out that you were acting as a "go-between" so that Maria can see her boyfriend? It could be that you'd be made to "unfriend" her and cut off all contact. OK, that's a little extreme, but the point is, Maria's parents in the very least aren't going to be happy at all and may just forbid you to ever associate with their daughter, at least for awhile.

Have Maria's parents always been this way? If so, the suggestions that may crop up – that you or your folks talk to Maria's parents about "lightening up, this is the 2010s, not the pre-Beatles era" – may not have any effect and you/they may be heave-ho, out the door. (That is, they're not open to listening or suggestions about how to raise their daughter or if they want her to have a "normal" social life.) If not, then at least give it a try, but be prepared to meet resistance.

LW2: And how much, praytell, does YOUR boyfriend weigh? (I'm asking this to him, not you, LW, so just relax.) Perhaps he ought to be put on a diet, too, if he's 300 pounds of combined muscle and fat. Sounds like his "fat" is in his brain.

I just wonder why he wants you down to 113 pounds? Control freak? Worse? What business is it of his to even know your weight?

If he wants to date a tiny woman that's under 100 pounds, then let him. I'd say, tell him he's free to have his pick of the litter. And then walk out the restaurant.

Comment: #1
Posted by: Bobaloo
Fri Apr 12, 2013 6:01 AM

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Re LW2: Oy. Your BMI is 20.5, which puts you on the LOW end of the healthy-normal range. If you lose 10 lbs., you will still be in the healthy-normal range (18.8), but very near the bottom (18.5). I don't know anything about your build or bone structure. It is entirely possible that 18.8 IS too low to be healthy, whereas even if you are extremely slightly built, there is no way that your current 20.5 is too high. My advice to you is to lose not 10 lbs., but closer to 160, or whatever your boyfriend weighs. He's a selfish, controlling jerk who will only get worse with time.

Comment: #2
Posted by: Carla
Fri Apr 12, 2013 11:16 AM

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LW2- Trust me, your weight is fine. I'm 10 lbs heavier and 3 inches shorter and I know I'm beautiful. Why? Because my husband tells me everyday. That's what your jerk of a boyfriend should be doing. You are beautiful just the way you are and if he can't see that then he's not worthy of you. Virtually all women have doubts and insecurities about our bodies. He knows this and is playing on it like the bully he is. Do you really want to date a bully? Tell him where he can shove his 10 lbs and dump him immediately!!!

Comment: #3
Posted by: Keebler
Fri Apr 12, 2013 4:49 PM

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LW1--Your friend 'Maria' and her "boyfriend" are taking advantage of you in order to create an alibi for your friend. That's not so bad in and of itself as long as what they're doing during their little rendezvous is pedestrian. If you don't mind covering for her while she experiences what I think is normal high school behavior than fine. But, if your friend winds up pregnant while she was supposed to be at the latest Disney movie with you than you're going to have some explaining to do and your credibility will be ruined. My advice is to tell 'Maria' that while you don't have a problem with her dating 'Kevin' on the sly you're not going to put your own reputation and credibility in jeopardy. As long as she understands the risks of her defying her parents' strict rules than she does so at her own peril.

LW2--Your boyfriend is a control freak and an a-hole. DTMFA. If you don't know what that means, then Google Dan Savage.

Comment: #4
Posted by: Chris
Sun Apr 14, 2013 8:18 AM

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Re: Carla
BMI is no longer accepted as an exact measure of a healthy weight. I'm also 5'4, but my BMI is 17 and I am not underweight, I just have a very very narrow skeletal frame. Many of my biological family members are the same way. I also know many people with wide frames who have BMIs in the obesity range who are far from obese. Body builders almost always have a BMI well over 25 and they are not obese.
I think the LW is at a healthy weight because she seems to be happy with her size. Her boyfriend has no business telling her to lose weight;

Comment: #5
Posted by: jjmg
Wed Apr 17, 2013 2:10 PM

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Stop Covering for a Close Friend

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