Learning From Mistakes Is the Last Step by Dr. Robert Wallace on Creators.com

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Learning From Mistakes Is the Last Step

DR. WALLACE: What is the best way to get rid of a bad reputation? I won't go into all the things that earned me my reputation. Let's just say the list would be long and colorful. I'm 16, and realize now that when a boy tells you he loves you, all he's saying is that he loves your body.

Three months ago, my parents divorced, and I'm sure I was the main reason for the breakup of our family. I've asked the almighty to forgive and guide me, but I don't know how to get my peers to forgive and forget. Please give me words of encouragement. My self-esteem is so low I don't even think I have any. —Nameless, Oakland, Calif.

NAMELESS: You are not the reason your parents divorced! Your mom and dad were incompatible and would have dissolved their marriage no matter what you did. Teens often hold themselves responsible for their parents' divorce, but it is never the case.

Likewise, you may be exaggerating the extent of your bad reputation, but in any case, please understand that teens, on the whole, are very forgiving. No matter how well-earned your bad reputation may be, you can change it into a positive one. There are three requirements: A commitment to change your lifestyle, the passage of time and guidance from the Almighty.

Since you have already sought that guidance, you're well on your way to becoming "the new you." Focus on who you want to be and start acting accordingly. When your peers see your lifestyle changes and become aware of your positive attitude, they will once again accept you as a friend. It will take some time, but stay with it and you will see results.

Please contact me in a month to keep me posted on your progress.

I'm happy you asked for my advice. I care about what happens to you and want you to progress into a well-adjusted, happy teen with a positive self-image. Admitting your mistakes is the first step in overcoming them. Learning from your mistakes is the last step.

YOU SHOULD APPRECIATE THE NEXT DATE

DR. WALLACE: I'm a 17-year-old guy who could use your advice. Sarah and I dated for about six months, but we stopped dating because I wanted to date another girl. We parted as friends and remain friends. Then my best friend, Michael, started dating Sarah and I guess you could say I was envious of him, especially when he told me how great she was, and thanked me for breaking up with her.

Now I'm sorry I broke up with her, and I miss her a lot. I'm not dating anyone at the moment because I'm waiting for my friend and Sarah to break up. Should I tell my best friend and Sarah how I feel, or should I keep my mouth shut and wait? Eventually, they will break up. —Nameless, Geneva, Ill.

NAMELESS: By all means, keep your mouth shut. Your feelings about Sarah are driven by jealousy, plain and simple. Forget about waiting for them to break up — it could be a long wait, and even when (or if) it happens, Sarah may have no interest in renewing a dead relationship. Find a new girlfriend.

The lesson here is that we have to live with the consequences of our actions. Learning this is never easy, but I guarantee you will be far more appreciative of the next young woman you start dating.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at rwallace@galesburg.net. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Comments

4 Comments | Post Comment

LW1: While I agree that you should focus on learning from your mistakes – sounds like you're doing well, or perhaps even the best you can – I just wonder how all it is with social media. That is, the sordid, juicy details of past, well, adventures, posted for all the world to see online.

I say that under the assumption this may be a recycled letter, written prior to the advent of Facebook, Twitter and MySpace ... where before, a reputation that you're trying to shed could indeed be forgotten.

As for the "reason" behind the divorce, I've rarely known rebel children be the direct reason behind a divorce. I can't even say I know one case. Meaning, there's likely multiple other reasons that your parents got a divorce. Talk with both of them and let them know how you feel ... and if they love you, they'll gently explain what drove them apart. My guess is you won't be on the list.

LW2: I guess there's no real guarantees in life. I take it you must not be dating the girl you broke up with Sarah to see ... but even if you are still with the new girlfriend, you've made your own bed. You've gone from desirable to (apparently) less desirable.

And do accept the wedding invitation of Michael and Sarah ... if it one day comes to that. And if Sarah does become free and you're still available, then don't take her for granted.

Comment: #1
Posted by: Bobaloo
Wed Apr 24, 2013 6:33 AM

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LW1: You will need to give it time. Understand that memories can be long. What will help immensely: Being kind to yourself by taking part in activities that will help your future, like studying, athletics, volunteering. You may not be able to erase your reputation within your school entirely -- if a transfer is possible, consider one to help your fresh start.

If that's not possible, know that going away to college will help you start fresh. It WILL get better, if you treat yourself with enough respect to keep going on your new path. Make friends who will make this process easier -- those who treat themselves with the same kind of respect enough to avoid reputation-damaging activities.

BTW, you have MY respect for choosing this new path.

LW2: Ah, the grass is always greener elsewhere, huh? Find a new girlfriend and use what you've learned here to appreciate what you have when you have it. :)

Comment: #2
Posted by: hedgehog
Wed Apr 24, 2013 7:05 AM

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Re: hedgehog (#2)

Egad, transferring is something I didn't think of right away. Certainly, college ... and time will help, too, I agree.

But I still have to wonder about the social media thing, where – if it's in play here (again, no indication that it is, although it may be because of this being a vintage letter) – time doesn't always heal all wounds. That's the wild card here.

Comment: #3
Posted by: Bobaloo
Wed Apr 24, 2013 9:34 AM

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Transfer wouldn't be my first recommendation -- it has its own challenges and it's not always possible, particularly for kids in small towns or rural areas. But if LW has done her best over the course of a school year with no relief in sight, or if there is bullying with no help from the school administration, that or even home-schooling can be a viable solution.

Social media -- I'm assuming she's taken down anything incriminating that she's posted, and that she's untagged herself in any photos on FB. That's pretty basic.

These things often die a natural death if they're allowed to -- people would have to seek them out to recirculate them, just as I'd have to search out and repost my nephew's wedding shots from 2 years ago, and most people really don't care to actively seek out or recirculate old images. Unless there's more to her story that she didn't share -- i.e., if she's being actively bullied and threatened with the re-release of the images.

It doesn't sound like that to me, though -- more than she's simply had a change of heart about her life, and would like her past to overshadow her future.

Comment: #4
Posted by: hedgehog
Thu Apr 25, 2013 11:09 AM

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Learning From Mistakes Is the Last Step

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