Tales From the Front by Cheryl Lavin

Here's one of my all-time favorite columns. It's women's rules. If there's another Golden Oldie you'd like me to track down, let me know!

Invite a man to go shopping with you only if you need someone to carry your packages or drive.

Assure your boyfriend that every female movie star has had a boob job.

When your man asks you what's wrong, say, "Nothing." However, when Oprah, Dr. Phil or Dr. Laura asks you, go into excruciating detail. Leave nothing out.

The negative effects of cheese puffs and chocolate-chocolate chip ice cream are offset by the positive effects of diet soda.

Feet are flexible and can be made to fit into shoes varying from size 7 to 9, depending on what's on sale.

You can skimp on clothes, but a good bra is worth its weight in gold. (That's Victoria's secret.)

The Patricia Principle: The more you've been trying to attract the attention of a particular man, the more likely it is that you'll run into him when you're sweaty, short of sleep, without makeup, wearing house-painting clothes, with your hair in a bandana.

The best response to a married man who's hitting on you is, "Say, don't I know your wife?"

Learn how to say "back off" very loudly and look fierce while you say it.

Let every new man in your life know that you've got a black belt in karate.

Make friends with your hormones. They're what make you colorful and unpredictable. If other people have a hard time with that, that's their problem.

When you hear your mother's words coming out of your mouth, shut your mouth. Unless your mother was really wise.

When in doubt, say no.

You're under no obligation to tell the truth when asked the number of your sexual partners.

Men love a woman who's good in bed.

But not the first time they go to bed with her.

No matter how much they fight it, all men need a woman to organize their lives and their closets and tell them what kind of hair products to use.

Consider yourself a sculptor and your man a block of marble. Chip away until you have created someone you can live with. He'll thank you. Later.

Always remember: Inside the biggest, burliest, most macho man lives an ego as delicate and fragile as a baby chick making its first venture outside the egg.

Laugh at a man at your own peril.

The only women who look good first thing in the morning are the women who don't know how to put on makeup.

When splitting a dinner check with girlfriends, it's perfectly acceptable to take out a calculator.

If you drop your girlfriends as soon as you have a boyfriend, you will live to regret your decision.

Food eaten while preparing other food has no calories.

When consumed for its antioxidant properties, dark chocolate has less fat than broccoli.

It's a medical fact that some women gain weight although they eat only salads.

It's another medical fact that too much lettuce can lead to depression.

Women who never binge have no souls.

Only a masochist weighs herself the day after a binge.

Ditto anyone who looks at herself naked in a three-way mirror.

Even Angelina Jolie has some part of her body she hates.

Falling in love is a sure way to lose 5 pounds.

Getting dumped is a sure way to gain 10.

Nothing is sweeter than finding out that the cute boy who dumped you in the 12th grade lives in his mother's basement.

Except going to your high school reunion and seeing that the prom queen shops at Lane Bryant.

Black really does make you look thinner.

Cheryl Lavin may be reached at cheryllavin@aol.com. You can visit her blog at www.talesfromthefront.com. To find out more about Cheryl Lavin, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com.

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