Sylvia Rimm on Raising Kids by Dr. Sylvia Rimm

Q. After years of sleeping on her own, a year and a half ago, my daughter, then 10, insisted she was too scared to sleep in her own room. I resisted having her sleep with me, but she would crumble outside my door sobbing, screaming, clearly distraught. Finally, I gave in and let her sleep with me. She is now 12, and though I have tried bribing her (promising her the cell phone she wants if she sleeps in her own bed for three months straight) to doing all I can to help her feel secure, she won't return to her own bed. She is sure someone is going to break into our house. The only nights she sleeps by herself is during snowstorms, because she is certain robbers won't come out, and on the night I teach, as she feels safer being across the hall from her older brother.

My husband died when she was 3 years old, so I wonder if she has a deep-seated fear of something happening to me. She is otherwise well adjusted, does great in school, has several friends, and has no trouble sleeping over at friends' homes or spending two weeks at summer camp. We participated in Kids Grieve Too after my husband's death, but I have considered counseling. My friend who is a social worker said that my daughter is just going through a phase and needs to be close to me. I also worry that counseling will turn the situation into a bigger problem by giving too much attention to it. Any insights you offer would be great.

A. Usually, I'm absolutely firm in my recommendation that children sleep on their own. If indeed you're dating someone or are in a serious relationship, I would still recommend being firm by absolutely insisting that your daughter sleep alone.

You could lock your door to prevent her wandering in during the night. You haven't mentioned the issue of a partner, so I have a different recommendation.

Because a 12 year old typically wants her own room, bed and privacy, I think you have nothing much to lose by letting your daughter sleep with you until she's ready to be on her own, which I think will undoubtedly be very soon. Her wish for a cell phone will soon outweigh her fears, so it's worth being firm about the cell phone reward. You can tell her that you'll assume she isn't mature enough for a cell phone until she's mature enough to sleep on her own.

You may be correct that your daughter has some intense unconscious fears about losing her remaining parent. It's worthwhile offering counseling to her. If she has some deep worries that she wants confidential support for, she'll take you up on the offer and, if not, she'll resist. She wouldn't want to see a second person who will try to persuade her to sleep on her own. I see no reason for her to get counseling unless she actually would like it, particularly because the rest of her social and emotional life seems to be going well.

For a free newsletter about fearful children, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094, or read other parenting articles at www.sylviarimm.com.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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