Q: I'm a first-time mom who is raising a 14-month-old daughter. I need some help on what to do about the way she is acting. I don't really know if I'm dealing with her actions correctly. She doesn't listen if she's doing something wrong. The only way she will stop is if I say "I'm going to smack your butt" or if I start to get up.

Another problem is when I get ready to change her diaper, she will run away. She also gets very upset when I take her to the grocery store or to the doctor. She becomes very angry, screams and throws a fit. Last but not least, when I put her to bed, even though she's very tired, she fights me and screams at the top of her lungs. What should I do?

A: Your daughter understands your tones and actions, but not all your words. Toddlers are adorable, but they're just learning how to accept discipline and understand vocabulary. Please don't threaten to "smack your daughter's butt," or you'll find you're doing that more often than you should. It's easier to discipline toddlers by distracting them, although keeping them safe and out of trouble is a time-consuming task. The best way to start is by gating off part of the house, so they're less likely to get into trouble.

Their play space needs childproofing with dangerous vases, lamps, etc., taken out of their reach and plenty of safe toys to provide for exploration. When your daughter does manage to find something that is a "no-no" but can't be moved, you'll need to firmly say "no" and distract her to something else. Soon she'll understand the word "no," but she will probably look back at you with a devilish grin trying to decide whether to move forward with her exploration or give up and check out something less risky.

Your daughter's diaper "run" is undoubtedly a game she enjoys playing with you. If you'd rather not play that game, just grab her gently into your arms and tell her it's diaper-changing time. She'll soon calmly accept her change. I'm not sure why she's angry about the grocery store, but you can cure her of that easily by bringing a special toy that she can play with only when she's in your grocery cart. As for the doctor, she undoubtedly remembers receiving shots, and assumes there'll be more pain. Again, a favorite toy can distract her, but toddlers do cry when receiving shots. She'll only cry briefly if you don't overreact and instead compliment her on being a brave, big girl. As for putting her to bed, most tired toddlers would rather stay up with their parents, even when they're exhausted. A brief bedtime routine, including a warm bath and ending with a picture book you can read to her in bed, can make her bedtime pleasant.

Your daughter probably senses your lack of confidence, but I remember my own astonishment when I was mothering our first toddler. She'll be a lot easier by age 2 — the time I refer to as the terrific two's — because she'll understand your language and boundaries better. That doesn't mean she won't challenge you, but she'll understand your vocabulary by then.

Dr. Spock's classic book on child care does a fine job of teaching parents how to handle toddlers with confidence. My book, "Raising Preschoolers: Parenting for Today" (New York: Three Rivers Press, 1997), will also be helpful. Once you've built confidence, your daughter will respond better.

Please don't threaten spanking or, according to most research, you'll foster an aggressive little girl.

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Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.