Sylvia Rimm on Raising Kids by Dr. Sylvia Rimm

Q: My gifted 9-year-old has problems when she doesn't understand a concept, especially in math. She gets very frustrated to the point of crying. Do you have advice on how to handle this?

A: Highly verbal children collect a lot of praise from parents, grandparents and teachers for being smart. Even strangers hear their adult-sounding words and exclaim about their brilliance. When people around them continuously refer to how unusual or perfect they are, they internalize those words as adult expectations. In the early years of school, they may feel like they're the smartest in their class. When schoolwork is very easy for them, they get into the habit of not working very hard but still excelling. People comment on how easily they catch on and how far ahead they are of the class. All of these words are internalized as self-expectations.

Math often brings children their first scary subject, although some children "hit their wall" when writing stories. The first time they don't catch on to math easily, can't figure out a good idea for a story or are worried that a teacher won't like what they wrote, they panic and worry that they're "dumb," or at least not as smart as everyone said they were. If the tears come and parents and teachers comfort them or allow them to avoid their work, the tears, frustration and avoidance of hard tasks can become a serious habit. Most parents attempt to comfort the bright students by assuring them that once they understand the math or writing assignment, this schoolwork will be easy, too. This type of reassurance can backfire and worry students even more because if the schoolwork is supposed to be so easy, they can't imagine why they don't quickly understand.

Parents and teachers who want to help easily frustrated perfectionists should describe the work as challenging and explain to children that as they mature, they will face greater challenges.

Breaking a hard task down into small parts will help them to figure out how to accomplish it. Sometimes after trying themselves a few times, they can ask for help. I assure them that making mistakes is also part of learning. Occasionally I suggest that frustrated kids take a quick break or a little walk and come back to their challenge refreshed.

It's most important to let children know that avoiding doing the work or doing only easy things will cause them to lose self-confidence. Self-confidence develops from overcoming obstacles, recognizing that even when tasks initially seem impossible, most can be tackled with hard work and perseverance. Learning to persevere and be resilient will pay off for your daughter for the rest of her life, so if you can be patient and encourage her perseverance and independence, the tears of frustration will soon dry up and she'll enjoy tackling new challenges.

For free newsletters about perfectionism and/or so your child is gifted, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope and note with topic choice for each newsletter to address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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