Sylvia Rimm on Raising Kids by Dr. Sylvia Rimm

Q: I have two daughters in high school right now — a senior and a freshman. The older girl, who is a high achiever and popular, has been very kind to her little sister, including her in activities, introducing her to her own friends and even inviting her to join her lunch table. I have just found out that my younger daughter has returned the favor by gossiping about her big sister behind her back. Basically, she is oversharing private information she knows from conversations around the dinner table, such as the senior's grade point average, and which boys she finds attractive. If my 17-year-old daughter turns on her, it will be a long miserable rest of the school year for the 14-year old. How do I convey to my younger daughter the importance of family privacy and boundaries?

A: The complex combination of both closeness and competition that take place for teenage friends as well as between siblings explains why your daughter confided inappropriate family secrets. It doesn't, of course, excuse it because I agree that it can cause a serious trust problem between your two daughters. She may have only meant to brag about her sister's grades, but her boy interests should certainly have been kept private.

Two people feel closer to each other when they are confiding secrets, so teens often do just that without realizing about how they are hurting someone else's feelings. If it is done in a rejecting way of other teens, it is considered bullying. In your daughter's case, it is likely only thoughtlessness and should be treated that way. Helping your daughter become aware of how talk can harm others could prevent her from loose discussion in the future.

Explaining this to her in a kind way can prevent her from becoming defensive and shutting down your message. Threatening to punish her for what she has already said is likely to cause her to lie about it or make irrational excuses. Please be sure to tell her that you will not tell sister unless it happens again because you realize she did not mean harm. Remind her for the hundredth time that for the rest of their lives, you are hoping that she and her sister will be true best friends. Give her a hug and explain that the whole family needs to trust each other to keep family conversation confidential.

I hope this will solve your problem. If, or should I say "when", your older daughter does hear about the gossip, try to head off the disaster by explaining that you've discussed it with her sister and ask the younger sister to formally apologize and promise to be confidential and much more careful in the future. It will take a little time and maturity from both girls to rebuild trust and confidence again.

For free newsletters about peer influence, sibling competition and/or growing up too fast in high school, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope for each newsletter and a note on choice of topic to address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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