Sylvia Rimm on Raising Kids by Dr. Sylvia Rimm

Q: I am a grandparent to a 13-year-old boy and a 15-year-old girl. I have cared for them all their lives and loved and did things with them. Lately, they have been acting disrespectfully to their grandfather and me by raising their voices and smarting off frequently. They still come to us for money and items they want. What is wrong with them?

A: Don't take your grandchildren's insolence too personally. There are many reasons that could lead them to disrespectful behavior. Some are only related to adolescence, but others could be indicative of more serious problems. The developmental stage of adolescence naturally includes some pushing of limits. Teens aren't often sure of what their boundaries should be and take their cues from peer groups, the media and specific limits set by parents and grandparents.

Television sitcoms feature cool kids who aren't necessarily respectful to adults. "Smarting off" can be downright disrespectful or just marginal exploration of how they, too, can appear cool. The fact that you've labeled their behavior as disrespectful is enough to know that you should set a boundary, clearly indicating to your grandchildren that you feel hurt and won't continue to tolerate their behaviors or attitudes. Be very specific in stating that you will not accept further disrespectful behavior.

As to your generous gifting, make it clear that your kindness wanes with their mistreatment of you or your husband. Although you'll always love them, if they don't appreciate your giving and become "gimmie" kids, it seems time to teach them the "learn to earn" principle. You can match their efforts if they seem to be catching on to working and saving toward their purchases.

It is a great pleasure to give gifts to children who appreciate them. It's a disservice to give them too much, and it steals children's motivation. They may feel entitled to the gifts instead of being motivated to accomplish their goals.

Lastly, but most seriously, disrespect for grandparents is sometimes unconsciously taught by parents and grandparents themselves. If grandparents are respectful of parents (their own children) and vice versa, it's more likely that children will be respectful of all. If parents and grandparents are united — and that is not easy — adolescence will be a less problematic time.

Chapter two in my book, "How To Parent So Children Will Learn," explains the critical importance of the united front for raising children. The united front is especially important between parents, but children also pick up on and initiate oppositional patterns between generations. Teens who hear their parents harshly criticizing grandparents may be the first to be disrespectful to both. Please don't assume your children are at fault, because your teenagers' disrespectful behaviors could just as likely be related to some new friend they've made as it is to family issues. It's worth examining all possibilities to correct the problem.

For free newsletters about the do's and don'ts of grandparenting or for the book "How To Parent So Children Will Learn," send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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