Sylvia Rimm on Raising Kids by Dr. Sylvia Rimm

Q: My daughter is 11 years old, and her grandfather died this week. She was very close to him and is shook up and confused about his death. Her father and I are divorced, and he is not interested in parenting at all, so she has no relationship with him, even though she would like one. She does question me about that reasonably often. How can I explain death and reassure her that I, her mom, am safe? She worries whenever I travel for work or even when I work late at night. How can I explain to her that her father's disinterest in parenting her?

A: You and your daughter have a very complex and tragic problem. She undoubtedly feels bad about the rejection by her father. Her close relationship with her grandfather probably served to buffer that sadness. Now she not only has to deal with the sadness of his passing and the questions about death that any child would need support for, but she has to worry that the only person she loves and loves her — her mother — could die, leaving her alone.

You can grieve your father's death with your daughter, since this is a difficult loss for you, too. Putting together a memory scrapbook or reading books about the death of family members such as "What On Earth Do You Do When Someone Dies?" (Free Spirit Press, 1999) can help you solidify your happy memories of your dad and help your daughter remember how much he loved her. You can cry together at the loss you feel and rejoice at the wonderful relationship you both had with your dad.

At other times, you'll also have to explain to your daughter that her father's decision to not stay close to her is not her fault or caused by anything she has done.

It can only be related to either his new life or his illness or whatever else you feel you can attribute to his wish to be uninvolved. Don't blame yourself for it or your daughter will also blame you, which will only cause her more anger and sadness.

Finally, you can reassure her that you will be with her for a long time because very few young mothers die. You can explain that you are also a very cautious person and love her very much. Let her know what precautions you have taken for your safety and hers. Definitely explain that in the remote chance that something would happen to you, you have already appointed someone who loves her to be her guardian (you likely have already done that, but if not, you absolutely should do it now).

If your daughter continues to feel stressed about the many losses in her life, consider counseling for her. Actually, I would recommend counseling whether or not she seems stressed. Her feelings of rejection could be quite severe because her father is not interested in seeing her.

For free newsletters about parenting after divorce, and/or fears and fearful children, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope for each newsletter to address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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