Woman Defined by Susan Deitz on Creators.com

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Woman Defined

DEAR SUSAN: You asked us whether men and women can be friends or whether they're too dissimilar. I find that men I've already had relationships with may continue to be friends with me — but at an arm's length. The emotional closeness in a friendship I have with a female friend simply isn't there — without problems developing. When I divulge too much information about myself — information I deem "friendly" — often men with whom I've never had romantic involvement get the wrong idea. When I want to have close friendship with men — often when I'm not partnered — it is very difficult. But if one of us is already involved, the pressure is off, and true friendship can emerge. Also, I've found that if another insurmountable obstacle exists (the man only dates Catholic women, for example, or the woman only dates men without children), a real relationship can emerge more easily. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Wow. When the real thing (an affair of the heart) isn't possible between men and women, that makes it possible for true friendship. In fact, you're saying that when those conditions exist, there is a greater depth of friendship. Sounds like loving obliterates the possibility of liking. (Sharp gasp of astonishment, bordering on disbelief.) That's got to be a falsehood in the drama of male plus female (a huge one, if I do say so dogmatically). More than that, it is a falsehood. A lie. If it's the truth, how can you explain the health of long marriages — unions that go on seemingly forever without the negatives of boredom or cheating? The way I see it, partnerships that last for eons necessarily combine both elements — alternating on both sides and weaving in and out to sustain their balance.

In those long-term loves, both partners interchange roles for the greater good. The relationship — what they are as a unit — is valued as more important than any one of their minor grievances against each other. Partners probably aren't consciously making that choice; they just instinctively make choices and decisions that maintain the balance of power that has worked well for the two of them. Any questions?

DEAR SUSAN: Bravo! Your column has summarized the past five years of my search for someone who will support the single/searching/already-defined woman. To read your column this morning was revitalizing! I now know I am not alone in this process. The question is, though, Where are these other women? Or do we all remain quiet among friends but, when the opportunity arises, tell our woes to a columnist like you? Regardless, the column is clipped and on the fridge for inspiration. Thank you for the eloquent explanation! — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Welcome to the expanding world of unmarried women who are in the thick of things, adding their guts and gristle to the world of action. Yes, dear reader, there is a population of us, blondes and brunettes, aged and young, daring to stand on the brink of tomorrow (in everything from high heels to sneakers) and lean forward. Hear us roar, sister, and join in. We are so busy being born that we don't have time to fill our minds with doomsday clutter. Yes, we are defining ourselves, and it is a moving definition that alters when we take another step toward wholeness. Stay connected to us.

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at sumor123@aol.com.