Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: You asked each of your readers to choose between one love for a lifetime and one at each stage of development. Why not have both? My hubby and I have known each other for 22 years. We've been married for 18 of them. He is my life's love! One of the most rewarding aspects of our marriage is his being here during each stage of my emotional development. He stuck with me through the early years of our marriage, when I was insecure and immature. He toughed out the four years of my recovery from sexual abuse. He's seen me change (and I him) over many years. What a privilege it is to know such love. — Melissa M., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR MELISSA: You are living the ideal. When I asked readers to make that choice, a tsunami of questionnaires came back choosing one lifetime love. This, despite the fact that many of them already had experienced the breakup of a marriage. Death or divorce had made that ideal unattainable, yet they refused to give it up. (I'm smiling as I write the words, because I'm a firm believer in the high moral standards and decency of the unmarried.) And in this shifting world, where premature commitment can grow into more solid couplehood within a few years (and life spans are longer than ever), perhaps it's still possible for some to attain their ideal. (Forevermore is longer than before!) However it becomes possible for some, I, for one, am proud that you ripened within your marriage — rather than seek outside distraction — and that your mate stood close by, nurturing and protecting, keeping you secure. Not everyone can bring that off. It takes patience (gobs of it), devotion and the kind of dedication not exactly commonplace. You must have inspired it. Readers, please copy.

DEAR SUSAN: Please tell me how important intimacy is in a relationship for a single parent in her 50s. I've been seeing someone for three years (he's 46), and although there was some intimacy before, now it's dwindled to hugs and holding. It's gotten so that I no longer want sexual contact, because I know he can't completely perform.

He's generous, intelligent, caring and wonderful in every other way.

Before I met him, there was a man who was highly effective sexually yet was insincere. I now find myself watching other men. I know I would never cheat on him, but I feel restless, cheated and frustrated. I do exercise, but it's not the same as true physical love. I feel I'm getting older and may never have complete sex again. This man does love me, but I wonder whether it's because I accept a situation that other women would not. I've been out with lots of other men in the five years since my divorce, but they weren't nearly as nice as he is. I wish I could have the whole package, but maybe there's always something important missing. I miss sex. So I question whether a woman can live with love but without sex for the rest of her life while still desiring it. — Alyson G., Santa Rosa, Calif.

DEAR ALYSON: Let's turn the tables and have me ask you how important sex is. It's a question only you yourself can answer. It must come from your deepest self, the womanhood ingrained in you, which doesn't die at age 50 — or 90. Priorities are the most personal parts of ourselves; they can't be learned or denied — or smoothed over by lovely words. Your body still wants the hands of a man on her. That's undeniable. But it can't be just hands. Caring and sincerity and warmth must come with the passion. You've learned those priorities from experience. And while this current relationship gives you some of those elements, it's missing something. And to you, an important something. Why is it you question that? This man knows he's incomplete, and it's sad for him. But it would be sadder if you threw yourself on the funeral pyre now. You need to start a dialogue with him; chances are he knows it's coming. Tell him that you need to start dating again and to end this exclusive relationship. Tell him that though he is nice, the relationship is incomplete for you. Make it sweet, but make it short. I'm sure he's heard the words before. Take yourself to a fitness spa or on a short trip. To break the spell and see new places. Stop doubting yourself.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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