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Susan Deitz

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Love and Marriage DEAR SUSAN: Here are my responses to the questions you asked about love and marriage. —"Does love always lead to marriage? Should it?" No. How could it? I've loved men before, but I haven't married all of them. And the one I did marry I didn't …Read more. Sexual Rights DEAR SUSAN: I've heard a lot about your Sexual Bill of Rights. What does it say? Is it that singles — because they're not married — have the right to sex at any time with anyone? — From the "Single File" blog DEAR BLOGGER: Actually,…Read more. Single Devotion DEAR SUSAN: Maybe I'm flying blind, but just yesterday I heard at the gym that married people are much more giving, community-minded and selfless than single people because they don't have to get a date for Saturday night and they don't busy …Read more. Submerged? DEAR SUSAN: Seems to me that one of my fellow bloggers has been thinking about merging her life with her boyfriend's before dating him for any length of time. I thought the normal way was to fall in love with your lover — and that usually …Read more.
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Patience

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DEAR SUSAN: You told a reader that a man who gives up on her because she doesn't want casual sex is "no loss." I agree, but please tell women that a man who doesn't make passes can be worthwhile. I'm someone who doesn't rush to the bedroom. Women seem to accept that, but some are more distant when they find a man who doesn't light their fire the first time. Whatever happened to patience? — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Patience got lost in the dust of sexual freedom, seen as extra baggage and tossed aside. Huge mistake, that — a major misjudgment that prevents something real from developing in the bedroom. Consider the scene: two adults thrown together in a most intimate scenario, perfect strangers who are unfamiliar with each other's favorite sex play, with totally imperfect expectations. You can see why odds are teeny-tiny for anything substantive developing between the sheets — or anywhere else. The usual ending to the first-time sex play is sad — two strangers lonelier than before their tryst. So it helps to know the mindset going into their casual joining.

My survey of the unmarried asked both sexes whether they expect sex on the first date. The men confessed to having hopes of first-date sex but said they don't expect it. Women, however, said they go on their early dates firmly convinced they are expected to be sexual.

That goes far to explain the mishmash that is casual sex. Without patience and genuine relationship in a couple's vertical life, bedroom gymnastics are bound to disappoint. You might want to mention that to any impatient lady. On the other hand, you may want to find one with more feeling.

DEAR SUSAN: From what I see in the singles playground, women fall for the phony rat who talks his phony line and acts cool. What chance does a nice guy like me have? — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Like many good guys, you walk around the unmarried world convinced that women go for the bad guys — that the desirable wenches are easy prey for slick operators, with their studied opening line and the right amount of slouch. (Women, too, are constantly having hopes dashed by the Playboy-pretty ones who seem to have a different admirer every night of the week.) Well, I'm here to refute all that stuff as fiction and speak truth quietly. In the long run, friends, like attracts like; good people attract each other, and rats get the rats.

But if you're about shortening the long run, do yourself a favor and be the person you seek. And if you're up for another gem, don't fall for the line that nice people/men are dull. Show your true colors by having definite opinions (and voicing them), staying current with the news, cultivating interests. And for Pete's sake, don't be afraid of saying the wrong thing! A good personality in no way diminishes your niceness. And that's true for both genders. Any questions?

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at susan@single-file.com.

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Comments

2 Comments | Post Comment
I have found that women, like most people, go for whoever they find good looking.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Daphne
Fri Jan 23, 2015 4:19 PM
SUSAN - LW1 -- "Women, however, said they go on their early dates firmly convinced they are expected to be sexual." I beg to differ, when I was dating it was the other way around. Women were the ones that expected/wanted sex on the first or second date. If you didn't they just went elsewhere. Mentioning that to any impatient lady Isn't going to get you anywhere except down the road and as far as finding one with more feeling -- Good Luck with that.
SUSAN - LW2 -- There is no convincing about it - they do go for the bad boys. You know the ones with "the phony rat who talks his phony line and acts cool," I believe you call that confidence. The same goes for women that have a different admirer every night. So with your logic SUSAN if one was never found and "like attracts like; good people attract each other, and rats get the rats." then why did the nice guy end up with nothing? Evidently not nice? I'm confused - "do yourself a favor and be the person you seek" the seeking - where do you do that at? Where is this great amass of women?
Comment: #2
Posted by: J
Sat Jan 24, 2015 2:33 PM
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