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Susan Deitz


Cougar Chat DEAR SUSAN: As something of a cougar myself, I must say that men my age tend to be desperate and/or bitter. Being neither, all I want is to enjoy good company and good sex with an appealing partner. And I find this tends to happen more easily with …Read more. The Prayer DEAR READERS: The following is a prayer I created for Sundays and recently expanded, at a reader's request, to include the holidays, most especially Thanksgiving. The goal is to blur age and religious differences so that everyone — reading or …Read more. Casual Sex Casualties DEAR SUSAN: You often write about the casualties of casual sex. But I have my own questions on the subject: How do you define casual sex? Why do you believe people engage in it? Does it have different consequences for women and men? And are there …Read more. Active Sex Life? DEAR SUSAN: How do you have an active sex life if you're not in a relationship? You bed-hop? I thought you said having sex without meaning makes you lonely. If love is caring in action, as you say, then how can an active sex life turn into love? You …Read more.
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Flying Solo


DEAR SUSAN: I've been divorced for nearly 20 years. I've had a few longer-term relationships during that time, but none evolved into marriage. (I know many unhappily married people and never again want to be one of them.) I've met men online, at church, via mutual friends and at social events; I've dated never-married, separated, divorced and widowed men. In the end, I find that those men are only looking for someone to pick up after them or satisfy their sexual needs. (By the way, I agree with your ideology that casual sex is an oxymoron. Someone always gets hurt.) So after years of being single, I find I am quite content with the status. I take myself on dates, travel when and where I want, and get full access to the remote.

My question to you, Susan: Is there something wrong with my enjoying life in this manner? Because it seems to make others uncomfortable. You wouldn't believe the number of people who can't understand why I'm still single. Why can't they just accept me for who I am? Don't they see I'm happy flying solo? — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: We tend to feel more comfortable around people who think as we do, who live as we do, whose values we can agree with. Why, you ask? Well, for one thing, it's reassuring; we feel validated because they made the same choices we did. So being with them feels more comfortable. We can sit back and relax, certain there's no freethinker around.

We're certain we won't be prodded to re-examine the choices we have already made and are living with/by. (It would be a major shake-up to our tidy little lives to rethink those choices, because re-examination might threaten the status quo.) Life is a series of choices; not everyone fits into the same mold. Marriage isn't for everyone, as parenthood isn't. Yes, our society breathes easier seeing couples in lockstep. But each individual must find his comfort level. We're not exactly encouraged to do so — and it's slow going — but the joy of finding (and living by) your own is life's jackpot. Need I say more?

DEAR SUSAN: Not every slender, attractive woman is already with someone. I know plenty of women who fit that description but who can't find anybody — because the men I know appreciate a kind heart and self-confidence more than they do someone who's afraid to take a morsel of food for fear she'd gain an ounce. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: As chief interlocutor (and the final wordsmith, with the keyboard), I need to say that you are right — and wrong. Being slender and attractive doesn't consign you to one small peanut per day and visible terror if you consume more. (And it doesn't necessarily give you confidence; that comes from within.) But on the other hand, kindness and a warm heart can abide within an attractive or a slightly overweight woman. Weight has nothing to do with it. Yet I feel compelled to add: Besides being a major health danger, fat is a turnoff for most of us, men especially. Enough said.

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at



2 Comments | Post Comment
First of all, fat isn't a turn-off for everyone. Some men like a woman with a bit of extra flesh on her. Secondly, the health risks of being overweight have been vastly overstated, mainly because the commercial weight loss industry funds most of the research. In truth, you have to be very obese to have the same mortality as an underweight person.
That's right - underweight people actually have the same health and mortality as those who are category 3 obese. Bet you didn't know that, did you?
Comment: #1
Posted by: Seabeast2
Fri Nov 27, 2015 8:07 AM
Fat may be a turnoff to some people, but I've never liked skinny guys. I much prefer somebody like Jeffrey Dean Morgan or even John Goodman in his younger days to an old bony @ss like Mick Jagger.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Mimsey Borogove
Fri Nov 27, 2015 1:24 PM
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Susan Deitz
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