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Attitude Adjustment DEAR SUSAN: Some of my gal friends have accused me of being too compliant, too easygoing — especially with men. They quote Gloria Steinem's comment that "women have a terminal case of gratitude." What do you think? — From the "Single …Read more. Healthy Brainwashing DEAR SUSAN: I would like to believe what you say about being whole (undependent) before meeting the love of your life. But my mind is racing for things to say when I'm with someone I like, and I do and say silly things. How can I control my mind? &#…Read more. Losing Independence DEAR SUSAN: After all I've been through making a name and a life, I am honestly scared — truly spooked — by the thought of merging my life with my lover. Many other women and I want love but are scared to death of losing what we've …Read more. Are You Angry at Men? (Part 2 of 2) DEAR READERS: As promised, here is the second batch of questions to get to the heart of the reasons you could be angry at men. Let's get to it: —Was your father an abusive man? An alcoholic? —Are you afraid in your heart of hearts that a …Read more.
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Being Single

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DEAR SUSAN: You write about the rough spots of single life. For me, it's loneliness. Even when I'm out with my girlfriends, I feel something is missing. Is it a man, or is there something I'm not doing? — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: One of the great ironies of this thing called loneliness is that often it has more to do with how you feel about yourself than it does with external factors. The very worst type of loneliness is being alienated from your own feelings.

While we're soul-searching, list the activities you love to do but haven't been doing lately. Right here and now, promise yourself to get involved in at least one of them. And then think about the pluses of being on your own — freedom and mobility, total sovereignty over your time and money, no one to say why did you and why didn't you. After that, I dare you to pick up the phone and make a call to someone who brightens your life and banishes the blues. (Your folks?) Next, muse on couples you know who are locked into marriage but basically incompatible. Is that the worst sort of loneliness imaginable?! You owe yourself a quiet hour (or two) to think deeply about what you want (and don't) from your life. There's a lot more to life than selfies.

DEAR SUSAN: I admit it; I'm the jealous type, always competing with guys and determining whether I have a better-looking snow bunny on my arm.

— From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Pardon my soft-soaping, sir, but the only way to resist the rat race you're running in is to remind yourself you're one of a kind. OK, sounds corny, but like most corny things, it's absolutely true. No one else has your genes, your history, your private dreams. Starting there, what mark on this old world would you like to make with all your uniqueness, your individualism, your specialness?

It must be exhausting to be you, with the constant rat race eating away at you. Worse, to be your date for an evening, conscious of your sizing up every guy and doll to see how they stack up to you. I've almost got an ulcer just thinking of the scenario in your mind. How could it be any fun to be with you?

The next time you go for a walk (alone), deliberately go by a playground and observe the children at play. They are a perfect example of true single fulfillment because they live in the present moment only and are totally absorbed in their playing. Think of what it is you want from your life; keep your mind focused on what you are doing — and the person you are with. We're all in this journey together — and it's not a race.

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at susan@single-file.com.

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Comments

1 Comments | Post Comment
LW1 -- "think about the pluses of being on your own" -- yea you don't have to worry about them cheating on you. You know having sex with one of your friends or customers.
Comment: #1
Posted by: J
Fri Oct 31, 2014 7:54 AM
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