Later Love by Susan Deitz on Creators.com

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A Perfect 10 DEAR SUSAN: I had to laugh at the letter from a man describing himself as a "Richard Gere" looking for a woman who is a professional, intelligent and a perfect 10. The problem might just be in his math! I've noticed that men rate …Read more. Choose Happiness DEAR SUSAN: This positive advice is for a fellow blogger, who seems to be having a hard time: It takes work to escape the comfort zone that keeps you making the same mistakes. (It's easier if you have the help of a good therapist, but people have …Read more. The Uninvited DEAR SUSAN: Your column on being left out of a couple's world has made me respond to an advice columnist for the first time in my life. The problem is much bigger than you seem to realize. When I was part of a couple, we did a lot of socializing. I …Read more. Friends and Lovers DEAR SUSAN: To me, a lover-turned-friend relationship proves that the love between the two of you is so deep that it doesn't end when the sexual side doesn't work out. Keeping those relationships in your life lessens the pain if a romance sours, …Read more.

Later Love

DEAR SUSAN: My mom was in her late 50s when she found love again after divorcing my dad. She used an online dating site to find it — but this was before the site you mentioned existed. It seems a fine match, and they have been married for eight years and still are going strong. They had a short courtship before getting engaged, and the engagement lasted about seven months. She told me, "At my age, I don't have a lot of time to wait, and if you know something is right, you go for it." Seems like a reasonable viewpoint, and it's worked out so far! — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: We've come full circle, back to the place where the parent sets a good example for the next generation, which is (to put it mildly) in a bit of a dither about the marriage thing. Maybe it's the second time around that is more instructive to the child, who is watching that parent's every move. Maybe — just maybe — the second time around is better because it's based on deep fondness rather than body heat. Or could it be that calm friendship is the root of midlife wisdom? Suppose — just suppose — that love, the real thing, is friendship set to music, as Joseph Campbell observed, and that it takes a bit of time and experience before the instrument is warmed up and ready to play its heart out. Any way you examine this puzzle we call love, it's pretty clear that friendship is the basis for lasting love. Whom have you befriended lately? (You can like me on Facebook, if the mood arises. But do be certain to spell my last name with the "e" before the "i.")

DEAR READERS: There's a way to get to me more quickly on the Creators website: http://www.creators.com/advice/susan-deitz-single-file.html.

DEAR SUSAN: I really appreciate your words on spending time wisely; I find the topic so pertinent to my life as it is right now that I attached it to the refrigerator. (I've been divorced for two months, after a two-year separation and a marriage of 20 years that produced three children, two of whom are in college, leaving a teenager at home.) Adding to the changes in my life are a new career, a long-sought master's degree and a bit of online dating, with which I met some nice, interesting men, only to have things fall apart after two or three dates.

Yet in spite of the advice from friends and family, I find myself thinking compulsively about having a partner. Your column has been so helpful in reminding me that I not only have a wonderful life already but can use my time any way I choose and that I'm far better off using it in ways that allow me to become more familiar with and nurture this person that I am. Again, thank you for your words of experience and wisdom; I know I am but one of many thousands of your readers who find guidance and support in each column. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Oh, don't get me started on the value of time! Every day that passes — every tick of the clock — is a reminder that it is gone, never to be revisited. I'm not even certain when I started to realize its transient nature and its worth — probably when my husband suddenly died and left me alone with my very young son, Scott. It was then that I began to muse on the priceless nature of each minute and how it shouldn't — no, mustn't — be carelessly tossed aside as used up and worthless. That led to the people in my life, the ones I've met and those yet to be welcomed into my life. Just whom do I want to share time with? From whom will I learn, and to whom can I offer my thoughts, my respect, my friendship? How much time do I want to share with them? Who among them is in my past, and who is in my future? Whom can I help, and who can help me? Which people add to my life, and which ones are so busy with themselves that there's no room for giving? Those are the clutter people, who take and take but give very little back, thoughtlessly using up precious hours. There are those who have few goals except to fill time with chatter when it could be used constructively to help, to give, to share. They must be reconsidered from time to time, when you take a yearly audit of your address book — rewritten in pencil or totally erased. Make sure your life has a minimal amount of clutter, with adequate alone time to refresh your spirit.

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