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Susan Deitz

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The Dating Difference DEAR SUSAN: Research into which gender pays for a date shows that though the man is usually expected to pay for a woman's company, the old ways are changing. More and more people are egalitarian, saying that gender should not determine who pays for …Read more. Happily Me DEAR SUSAN: I read a recent column of yours, and I must say the joy and euphoria I've felt since reading it are immeasurable! A woman who wrote to you spoke words of gold. So many friends give me the "never say never" and "you just haven't met the …Read more. Children as Connection DEAR SUSAN: At 30, I have two children, 5 and 11. My wife died five years ago, and between working and parenting, I have precious little time to meet a nice woman. I'm quiet around people I don't know well, and my friends are all married, so I don't …Read more. Hoops DEAR SUSAN: Your advice about dating deadlines hit me hard, especially these words: "If she's into you, she'll blow off other things so she can spend time with you. And if she's not, she'll torture you by making you jump through hoops." Well, I have …Read more.
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Loneliness

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DEAR SUSAN: I am unmarried and live alone. I like my alone time, but at times, I get lonely. I've achieved "compatibility with myself" (your words), but that doesn't exclude loneliness. I would like to find someone, but that doesn't make me fearful of being alone. You seem to believe they are mutually exclusive — alone and happy or lonely and fearful. There are other scenarios, such as mine. I don't mind my life as it is now, but it might be more fun to share it with someone. Still, this doesn't make me the pathetic "can never be alone" type of person you describe. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: It's the middle of those two extremes where, like you, most people find themselves — fairly content to be on their own but still wanting pleasant, compatible company. (Sorry I didn't make myself clear the first go-round.) Mass thinking has it that it's the "only" that makes people lonely, but I don't buy it. Plenty of singles lead such interesting lives that they're grateful for some alone time. Loneliness is part of the human condition, and occasional brief bouts are, no doubt, part of being human, inescapable and transitory. No one with a thought in his head can go day after day in the same mood, without a bit of longing creeping in. It really has little to do with marital status; believe me. There are marriages in name only in which one partner feels intense loneliness because of being locked in to a relationship he or she has outgrown. To me, that is the most intense loneliness of all, being legally married to someone you no longer feel affection for. Think about it. And then give thanks.

DEAR BLOGGER: I have enjoyed and witnessed over the years that dating and human relations have changed.

I myself am in the process of divorcing after a 20-year marriage. Women seem to be complaining that they can't find a nice guy to be with. Well, I think I'm one of them. I've not dated yet, but I've tried. I happened to be in a restaurant that was featuring eight-minute dating. Two women sitting at the bar felt they were too good to partake, so the three of us chatted, and when I left, I gave them my card. They didn't call. I've given out about 20 cards after pleasant conversations, and I've yet to get a call. I'm a professional, well-educated and well-groomed man with most of my hair. I am making an effort to meet women but will not grovel for a date. I will try again. I enjoy the company of a woman. But I'm probably not pushy enough, not the bad-boy type. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Forget the cards — and consider joining a gym. (And leave the bar scene to the fast talkers with the slick opening line; women who go for them are not for you.) You need an environment that is low-pressure, where you can chat casually and get to know each other as people, with no agenda. You might also scout out a group formed around an interest — a golf class or a cooking class, any group formed around an interest of yours. Being in the same class seems to me an ideal low-pressure setting for a friendship to begin. But there are others — plenty of them. Just avoid pressure cookers, such as singles dances (!) or any group that has you wearing a smiley name tag. Instead, head for the quieter type of group, which will attract the quieter type. And don't rule out your house of worship as a meeting place. Most likely, it has a singles group you'd feel more comfortable with. My suggestion? Try them all — except, of course, places that attract slick operators.

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at sumor123@aol.com.

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Comments

3 Comments | Post Comment
LW2: "Two women sitting at the bar felt they were too good to partake..." Well, that's a bit judgemental, don't you think? Is it possible that they don't like the bar scene either?
In my experience, people who have to constantly point out that they are a "nice guy/girl".... often aren't as "nice" as they think they are.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Seabeast2
Fri Apr 18, 2014 5:48 AM
LW2 - Totally agree, Seabeast. "Too good to partake"? Really? Maybe they weren't feeling well or particularly social, maybe they just didn't like what they observed from the participants, or were there to support someone else or simply to see the process before deciding to jump in themselves. If LW jumps to similar conclusions about every woman he meets when they refuse to do something for whatever personal reason they have, then it's no wonder he can't get a date. I can tell you what would have had a good chance of getting a date...not partaking yourself and instead going up to one of the non-participants directly and asking them out personally because they "stood out" from the rest.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Paul W
Fri Apr 18, 2014 12:28 PM
LW2 -- When I was searching for a woman I attended several speed dating events; in the bigger cities there would be several hundred men/women show up and they would put you in your age group. They were 4 minutes, 2 minutes to interview and 2 minutes to write a summary and whether or not you wanted to see the person. It was fun and an experience. What better way to have a crash course in communication with the opposite sex. And LW there is no pushy about it -- if you want something you go after it. If you like the woman you pursue her. She may not like you so move to another. I will say again that there is the problem of availability -- finding your profile woman (that isn't already with someone) is like looking for a needle in a haystack.

Susan -- there are "slick operators" everywhere and a church singles group would be one of the most likely places to find them. Also you forgot to mention that even in doing all those things is no guarantee you'd meet someone.
Comment: #3
Posted by: J
Sat Apr 19, 2014 4:59 AM
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