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Augmenter or Diminisher? DEAR SUSAN: I'm writing to you because I can't understand something about my girlfriend and me, and it's getting to me. There's this girl I think I love. But my friends keep reminding me that when I'm with her, she makes me feel small, a poor excuse …Read more. Abstinence DEAR SUSAN: You seem to have strong opinions about abstinence. It's important, but does it deserve so much attention? — From the "Single File" blog DEAR BLOGGER: In a word, yes. Abstinence is in the same league as virginity (which can be …Read more. Support System DEAR SUSAN: Face it; being single is a trip. It's not necessarily exotic; it's not always fun. But when readers take your advice and strengthen their singleness with savvy people willing to supply them with the information or service they need &#…Read more. Expectations DEAR SUSAN: I've always been unlucky with the opposite sex. Even in a relationship that seems to be going OK, I suddenly become the enemy, and then she's out of there. All I have to remember her by are a sour stomach and an empty datebook. Am I …Read more.
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Love Addiction

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DEAR SUSAN: My shrink told me that I'm in a sick relationship and that I won't be healthy unless I leave it. But my girl and I have been a couple forever. She'd wither and die if I ever left; she said so. She is quite possessive, though, and won't let anyone else near us, so we have no friends, and frankly, it's a bit boring. But is it sick? — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: When so-called love turns into ownership, it morphs into something else — addiction. Love addiction is an unhealthy intake of another's very being. Partners lose their identity. The world is shut out, and anyone who tries to enter the twosome is turned away. Love addiction is never fully satisfied, never completely sure of the other partner. But now that you're exposing the relationship to the sunlight of therapy, use this time for all it's worth. Imagine how nice it would be to partner with a self-confident, healthy woman who welcomes the outside world to share the love you two have nurtured, who is wise enough to befriend good people and welcome them into the healthy relationship she is building with you. Think two years into the future. Imagine how stultified your present relationship will be if this addiction is allowed to fester and deepen.

The fact that you are working with a therapist is a clear sign of health. Please continue your journey, with my blessing.

DEAR SUSAN: I'm interested in your thoughts about having a married lover. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: If ever there was a will to fail, it's falling for someone else's spouse. Yes, a married person seems to be a safety zone in the treacherous hills and valleys of single life; after all, a married person is 100 percent rejection-proof. Or so it seems. But even if someone who's hitched professes mad love for you, undying devotion till the last day, give a moment's thought to the long, lonely weekends that would go with that supposed love. Think of the furtive phone calls behind the spouse's back, which for your lover might be thrilling but for you would bring only guilt and shame. After all, you know the score; you'd be playing with someone else's trusted partner. You'd be the stealth love, the one in the shadows, invisible yet with emotional needs of your own. So much guilt, so little satisfaction. Such a high price to pay, so many emotions invested in another's legal spouse. All the while building — what? It feels exciting at first because it's forbidden, but over time, it doesn't wear well. Give yourself love that comes with a future, with at least some sense of possibility. Stay away from married love unless it's your own.

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at susan@single-file.com.

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Comments

2 Comments | Post Comment
LW1 -- First of all don't believe everything shrinks say, a lot of them are in it for the money so they say things to keep you coming back. There must be a reason you are going to a shrink in the first place, if it has anything to do with your girlfriend then the relationship is not right for you. Your girlfriend is probably not sick that's just the way she is. I doubt she will wither and die, so find someone else. It's common practice nowadays to find yourself another while your still with the one your with.


LW2 -- Married lover in the sense your just in it for the sex or are you expecting it to turn into more? Having a married lover tells what kind of person you are and what kind of person the married lover is -- bottom feeders. Neither of you can be trusted.
Comment: #1
Posted by: J
Sat Nov 22, 2014 3:11 AM
LW1: She won't wither and die; she'll just do what all good little lampreys do and latch onto another meal ticket. Good judgment about not marrying your "girl", by the way-- especially if she really is child-like enough to merit that title.
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LW2: It's a stupid idea and there's nothing in it for you. No good whatsoever will come of poaching the sausage (or the clam, whichever one you're contemplating). In fact, it will probably hurt other innocent people such as the cheated-on spouse or any children who are in the picture. Nothing gives you the right to do that. Find your nookie elsewhere.
Comment: #2
Posted by: R.A.
Sun Nov 23, 2014 12:41 PM
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