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Susan Deitz

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Free-Range Partner DEAR SUSAN: The man in my life wants to marry and make our love legal. But he has one demand he says will make or break the deal. He needs to be able to go off once in a while and have time to himself — without me, without the children we may …Read more. Singularity DEAR SUSAN: Being single, to me, is just that — singularity. I read this column regularly, and there are many times I cannot relate to the others' stories. (including yours). Is it just my imagination, or does everybody have somebody except me?…Read more. Exercises in Singleness DEAR SUSAN: How on earth did you come up with the idea of exercises in singleness? I've heard of situps for abdominal muscles, but how does one exercise one's singleness?! — From the "Single File" blog DEAR BLOGGER: The same logic applies to …Read more. Joy and Sorrow DEAR SUSAN: I guess I've been thinking too much lately, so I have very few laughs in my life. It's work, work and more of the same, with a few nanoseconds of senseless joy sprinkled on top — to keep me from going mad with my sorrow. I'm hoping …Read more.
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Defining Deitz-Talk

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DEAR SUSAN: I'll never get an answer, but I will ask anyway. You write that when you can be friends with the other sex, "the number of other-sex friends increases." Do you mean that the number of friends you have sex with increases, or is it the number of different-sex friends you have that increases? You also say not to "restrict your interest to the superficially 'eligible.'" Do you mean people should target the married group and the group of people who already have a boyfriend or girlfriend? Because yes, if you did that, it would widen "possibilities for your romantic life." But isn't there some moral value thing in there? And what if a person doesn't want to spend "every hour" dating? — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR (misguided) BLOGGER: (Sigh.) C'mon now. Your comprehension is better than that — or do you want to needle yours truly a bit? Either way, here for all to see is your enlightenment. The complete concept is: When you can be friends with the other sex, you increase your number of friends who are of the opposite gender. Hardly room for misunderstanding, but for you, let's simplify: When your goal is liking and friendship — rather than sex — it widens the field and also widens your thinking. Your horizons have broadened beyond the eligible to people who enjoy spending time the way you do.

My line about not restricting "your interest to the superficially 'eligible'" means — for the comprehension-impaired — that when you widen your sights beyond the good-looking and wealthy to include others perhaps less dashing but equally desirable, you increase possibilities.

Of course I don't advocate dating married people. I'm talking about friends and interest groups. (Losing patience here.)

And to conclude this absurd duel, my intent when writing "every hour is at your disposal" was that you can use any part of the weekend for you, whether it be dating or not. And it's tacitly understood that dates are mutually desired. Susan Deitz being the advocate of spaced togetherness, she of all people understands the need for timeouts, especially/even in romance. Until the next time.

DEAR SUSAN: For the reader undecided about a certain someone and a relationship with that person, my advice is that if it doesn't feel right, then it's probably not right. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: For some odd reason, your advice puts me in mind of the line, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Both are the sort of wisdom that reaches into the gut, defies fancy words and applies to all sorts of life situations — ranging from the romantic to everyday practicality. We all need a reminder to peer into the interior self, to hear its truths and (fingers crossed) to heed them. There's a lot to be said for the gut reaction, so remember to tune in to yourself (in some quiet moments, far from the madding crowd) and honor its voice. Yes, it requires your attention. And yes, it often takes something more: courage. Courage to be different from the prevailing sentiment, courage to base your decision on a still small voice. Courage to stand apart from the crowd, courage to walk your own path, for a moment or a lifetime. One fact that may tickle your imagination: Tuning in to your viscera can have such good results that your gut becomes an adviser in any decision of significance.

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at susan@single-file.com.

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Comments

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SUSAN -- you need needling; increasing friends of the opposite gender for liking and friendship - rather then sex - works when you're in a relationship or someone you know there would be no possibility of one. The point is there are no "eligible's" in those groups that aren't already with someone - that are desirable. You're the one that condones FWB's to get your needs met. So I don't see how the possibilities for a romantic life are possible unless you don't "restrict your interest to the superficially 'eligible" ie married or has a boyfriend/girlfriend. I believe your married now, were you or your husband dating/having sex with someone else when you met? SUSAN it's not nice or necessary to belittle someone when explaining yourself.
Comment: #1
Posted by: J
Sat Dec 20, 2014 9:15 AM
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