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Susan Deitz


Video Vampire DEAR SUSAN: With a correspondence of four months and no meetings in person, your female reader needs to realize that her online correspondent doesn't enjoy anything beyond bantering with her. The person may not even be male, an adult or unmarried. …Read more. Investing Hope DEAR SUSAN: A fellow blogger was absolutely right in saying that four months is a long time to correspond via a dating site without meeting up. I suspect that the man in question is not single as he says, and perhaps he never was. People shouldn't …Read more. What Works DEAR SUSAN: Your "Single File" blog is a good thing; it lets us bounce around ideas with fellow bloggers and find our own answers. One blogger asked about the right and wrong ways to find a relationship. I think it's about trying things and learning …Read more. Nice Guys -- Yet Again DEAR SUSAN: Most men use the term "nice guy" to mean a guy who likes opening doors for you, helping you move and picking up your child from the baby sitter or a guy who likes to buy you gifts and take you on vacation. Usually, a "nice guy" is …Read more.
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Flip the Switch


DEAR SUSAN: A woman writes in, complaining that nobody will date her because she's fat. You advise her to lose some weight. Other people write in, complaining they find your advice insulting and offensive. If the only obstacle between a vibrant social life and true love is 100 pounds, for most people this is something that can be fixed — even if it's very difficult. Perhaps what they really want is for you to say you'll flip a switch so the men of the world will find obesity desirable in a woman. But you are not in charge of what men find attractive. The woman can either lose the extra weight or find a guy who likes fat girls. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Ouch. That switch would make us 120-pounders gluttons, eating ourselves into desirability. But in the real world, answers/remedies are there for the taking. Whether we avail ourselves of them is up to us. Not in fate's hands and not in karma's destiny but in our own eating habits. It's very difficult to admit that the problem starts and ends with us. But once we do, we're onto something: a solution. But then comes the real toughie: We've got to change to make it work. Change ourselves, change our thought patterns, change our worldview. It's at that point that most of us — yes, including me — shiver and shake. Do we have the fortitude and the mettle to embrace change? We know what we must do. And it sounds right. It's that foot forward thing that's holding us back. You can do it, and so can I. To be continued, definitely.

DEAR SUSAN: It's really hard to analyze a relationship you're not privy to.

There are some beautifully decorated cakes out there that taste like sawdust. And you cannot analyze why a gorgeous woman is with an ugly man. You don't know their story. You don't know whether she was gorgeous when they met or she lost weight. You don't know whether he was ugly when they met. She could be attracted to ugly guys because good-looking guys have cheated on her. He could make her laugh. She could be a gold digger. They could have bonded while taking their moms to chemotherapy or something. Any of that could be important, but it's rarely possible to tell just by observing them. And yes, attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder. But if the beholder says there aren't any attractive women out there who aren't dating someone already, which is what a fellow blogger said, then the beholder's standard of what is attractive isn't serving him particularly well. Which is sad because that blogger says he wants a partner more than anything. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: There's a wide gap between wishing and wanting. Wishing is pure fantasy. But wanting? That's another thing entirely because it implies effort (yours). Wanting means you realize that the dream requires plenty of effort but you're determined to see it through. The sad thing about the blogger who says he wants so badly to find love is that suggestions from his well-meaning fellow bloggers are shot down (by guess who) as quickly as they find voice. He insists on being heard — loudly proclaiming his woe — but he will not listen to suggestions, much less act on them. His is a solo act, proclaiming nonstop "woe is me," but his is the only voice he will listen to. I agree with the blogger who said he should get a hobby or a dog. Everybody else is too pooped to care.

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6 Comments | Post Comment
This is getting ridiculous, Susan. Trust me, I realize how frustrating it is to bang your head against the brick wall that is J's stubbornness. I've even called him a whiner (which I regretted afterwards because it was a mean thing to do).

But enough is enough. Snidely referring to J in your column over and over, using him as your personal punching bag - this has to stop. The guy is entitled to want the type of woman he wants, even if it makes no sense. He's entitled to be unhappy and frustrated, and to do nothing at all about it if he wishes. He doesn't have to settle for anyone who doesn't turn him on. For people like him and I, either there's a spark, or there isn't, and no amount of trying to force the issue is going to change that. I get where he's coming from - the difference is, I just don't give a damn if I'm single for the rest of my life. He has not yet accepted that, and that's ok.

He has problems, but to ridicule him over and over in your column is rude, cruel, and unethical. Leave the guy alone. He's not even posting on here any more.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Barbara B.
Fri May 22, 2015 10:08 PM
Re: Barbara B. -- Thank you so very much for your kind words.
Comment: #2
Posted by: J
Sat May 23, 2015 7:23 AM
Well said Barbara B. I completely agree. Susan needs to move on already. It seems like SHE is the one with the problem at this point.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Kitty O'Shea
Sat May 23, 2015 7:55 AM
You're very welcome, J. I hope you are well, and that one day we can be content with what we have in life.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Barbara B.
Sat May 23, 2015 9:13 AM
@ Kitty - Thanks. I can't stand someone being picked on like that. What she's doing is just plain wrong.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Barbara B.
Sat May 23, 2015 9:15 AM
People of all shapes and sizes can be beautiful. Even a Sumo wrestler can have a magnificent kind of beauty. But there's a difference between what's "beautiful" in an aesthetically pleasing sense, and what kind of body others are likely to find sexually attractive. A lot of people are angry about this, but being angry about reality doesn't change it's nature.

Screaming and crying that men "should" fine morbidly obese women sexy, or women "should" find morbidly obese men hot, is political correctness gone away. If you are 50, 100 or 200 pounds overweight, I would agree with the statement that you'll either want to find someone who is attracted to body fat (which will severely limit your choices), or... duh... lose the weight. If your choice is the latter, personally I recommend "protein power" type diets, low in carbs but high in protein and healthy fats. (Been there, done that... I lost about 50 excess pounds myself once.) (Looking back at my photos from those days, I was pretty, but not many men would have found me sexy. My husband told me I was "lovely," but "for some reason" we didn't have a lot of sex... gee... I wonder why.) (And I wouldn't have found my husband sexy either, if he had been that overweight.) Some feminist friends told me to stay fat because "fat is a feminist issue"; I'm glad I didn't listen.
Comment: #6
Posted by: sarah morrow
Sun May 24, 2015 1:00 PM
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Susan Deitz
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