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How Much Does Hair Have to Do With a Person's Attractiveness? Dear John: How does hair color and style contribute to how much a person would find a potential partner attractive? Considering the amount of money hair care companies spend on creating new products, such as dyes, relaxants, shampoos, styling gels …Read more. Stepson Has Problematic Girlfriend Dear John: My 24-year-old stepson recently introduced us to his new girlfriend. She is 12 years older than him, which makes her just 10 years younger than my husband and me. She's loud and a big flirt who knows no boundaries. In fact, she has even …Read more. Threesome Tension Dear John: Recently, my husband shared with me that he would like to have a threesome with another female. I know this is pretty much a fantasy many guys have. After stating this, he said he would leave it up to me if it happened or not. And now, I'…Read more. Unhealthy Attraction Dear John: I have a crush on a woman at my work. She is several years older than I am, and is married with two kids. I know that this is an unhealthy attraction. The trouble is, I don't know how to fall out of love with her. I'm extremely shy around …Read more.
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Choosing Between a Spouse and the Other Woman

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Dear John, Although I am married, I have done without love and romance for years. Recently I met Cindy, who has rekindled feelings that I had repressed. It is like a new awakening for me! Feelings that I thought were lost have returned. The problem is that Cindy is also married, and her marriage is also a disaster.

I know that Cindy and I can appreciate each other more than our present spouses can. It would be a dream come true if we could get together, but we realize that this would cause serious complications. I talk to Cindy online several hours a day, and I get depressed when she isn't online. We communicate more every day than either of us have with our spouses in years. She appreciates me. We know we won't make the same mistakes or suffer the same abuse that we've experienced in our current marriages.

So, what's stopping me from being with the woman that makes me happy rather than staying with the woman who is currently my wife? — Ready to Run, in Asheville, N.C.

Dear Ready to Run, How about a little thing called commitment? From what you've written, you've both made up your minds that your current relationships aren't working on many levels. Believe it or not, your respective spouses probably feel this, as well.

Despite your hopes and fantasies about Cindy, there is no guarantee that jumping out of your current situation and into another will have any better success unless you first tackle the issues that have been raised in your marriage.

Remember that you once felt about your wife the way you now feel about Cindy. So do yourself a favor: Go into counseling before you make a final decision. If your wife won't join you, go by yourself. You'll get another opinion on these issues, and then you can make the decisions you need to make before moving on with the rest of your life.

Dear John, My husband and I have a big fight about once a month. During these blowouts, he'll say things like, "Why do I need you?" or, "If you don't like it, you can leave." I've tried to get him to understand how hurtful this is, but he continues to do it. — There Has to Be a Better Way to Argue, in Santa Rosa, Calif.

Dear Better Way, First of all, don't take his comments personally. I realize that is easier said than done. In truth, these words are clearly spoken out of anger. In reality, if he had wanted to leave you, he would have done that by now.

The next cruel comment he makes, dodge it by walking away. Know that you don't need to dignify it with your own anger or his tears. If you walk away enough times, he will learn that, in order to get his point across, he'll have find a way that works for both of you. And that means modifying his behavior for the better.

2013 John Gray's Mars Venus Advice. Distributed by Creators Syndicate. John Gray is the author of "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus." If you have a question, write John in care of this newspaper, or by E-mail at: www.marsvenus.com. All questions are kept anonymous, and will be paraphrased.

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Comments

4 Comments | Post Comment
Grow UP, LW. Of course, Cindy is "perfect". You don't live with her. She's never left her clothes on the floor or farted in bed or complained about how you leave the toilet seat up. Stop whining. If you want to end your marriage, end it gently and generously. But don't expect that life with Cindy will be an eternal romance.
Comment: #1
Posted by: JMM
Mon May 13, 2013 10:55 AM
LW -- How do you and Cindy know without a shadow of a doubt that you won't make the same mistakes if you two leave your respective spouses to be together? I think you probably will. Know why? Because you haven't taken any steps to even figure out what those mistakes were, much less how to rectify them or avoid them. With very few exceptions (i.e. actual abuse on the part of one spouse), marriages don't disintegrate in a vacuum and aren't entirely one person's fault while the other is blameless. In other words, you have played a starring role in the demise of your marriage, and if you haven't bothered to figure out what your part in it was, you will almost certainly wind up making the same mistakes again, because you haven't bothered to learn from them.

So, even if you don't WANT to repair your current marriage, you would be wise to at least take the trouble to figure out went wrong in the first place and what your role was in creating that situation. In the meantime, stop whining about these "serious complications" that prevent you from getting a divorce. Commit to improving your situation. Whether you do that by recommitting to your current marriage and doing the hard work to try to repair it, or face down those "serious complications" and end your marriage.

Right now, you just sound like a whiny, delusional idiot, to be perfectly honest.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Lisa
Wed May 15, 2013 8:53 AM
LW2 -- I am unclear how John Gray thinks that you walking away from your husband when he says these things is going to magically teach him to find a better way to discuss problems with you. Don't get me wrong, I actually think walking away from him when he says things is probably a good idea -- but only if it's coupled with you saying something like, "I am walking away until we both calm down and are capable of having a productive conversation about this, rather than flinging insults and threats." and is then followed up with a calm, productive conversation about whatever is the problem. Just walking away doesn't necessarily communicate what you want or intend, as it can be interpreted a number of different ways. It could be interpreted as "giving up" or "giving in" (two potentially different and dangerous things). It could be interpreted as not caring enough about your marriage to try to hash this problem out. I'm pretty sure those are not the messages you want to convey.

Also, you say that you have tried to explain to your husband how his "fighting style" makes you feel. How, exactly have you done so? Have you done it during the heat of the moment, tearfully begging him not to say such things? Or have you done it later, when everything is resolved and you are both calm and rational?
Comment: #3
Posted by: Lisa
Wed May 15, 2013 9:05 AM
LW1 --- if your spouse is abusive as you described, and Cindy's is too, walk away. You both have a chance at happiness. I doubt that the columnist would advise a woman who wrote in, who had an abusive husband, to stay with him because of her "commitment." Talk to a lawyer, and lay the groundwork for getting out now.

LW2 ---- next time your husband pulls a "love me or leave me" routine, smile, pack your bags, thanks him for the good advice, and leave.
Comment: #4
Posted by: sarah morrow
Wed May 15, 2013 4:18 PM
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