Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: The man I'm seeing was really hosed by his wife; she had an affair, begged for forgiveness and then continued the affair. She even set him up to find her in the marriage bed with the other guy. This was about 18 months ago. This guy is SO physically introverted because of this foul play. What can I do to reassure him that I am not that woman? — I'm Not Her in Pittsburgh

Dear Not Her: She's left him with some major scars. Should you stick it out, know that it may take some time for him to heal his heart, and the path will not be an easy one. You cannot force him to rush this process. It has to come from him. Be his friend first and foremost. Demonstrate your friendship openly, honestly and with no strings attached. As he comes to realize that you've opened your heart to him, he may slowly recognize the gift you've given him and love and appreciate you for that.

Dear John: Fourteen months ago, I started attending a church again. I came into contact with an old friend I had not seen in 20 years. I had worked with this gentleman and was crazy about him. He never knew, and we went our own ways. Much has changed in that time for the both of us. Seeing him brings back all of those old feelings.

Although I am 43, I act like a teen when I am around him. It's come to the point where I run from him, try not to let him see me looking at him.

After all these years, I still don't feel like I'm his equal. I've also put on some pounds, which adds to the problem. Even if we never get together, I really enjoyed his friendship and don't like feeling this insecure. What can I do to work toward ridding myself of this block? Is this the fear of rejection or what? — Passion Pangs in Oklahoma City, Okla.

Dear Passion Pangs: You have no reason to be insecure. Don't get stuck in a time warp from the past. You're a different person now, and he is, too. Believe it or not, he is probably just as curious about you as you are about him. Don't doubt in the least that he might actually enjoy knowing more about your experiences during the past years.

The first step is to re-establish a platonic friendship. Once you start feeling comfortable in his presence, you'll give yourself the time needed to decide if you truly want the relationship to go any further. Who knows? You may discover he's not the man you once thought he was — or perhaps he's gotten better with age. You have, right? Don't doubt this, and he won't either.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: comments@marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2009 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE