The Seven-Year Itch -- To Work by Margo Howard on Creators.com

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The Seven-Year Itch -- To Work

Dear Margo: I met my husband when I was 19, and by the time I was 21 we were married with a child. This year we will celebrate seven years of marriage, all of which have been good. My problem is our youngest, 4, who will be starting kindergarten next year. I would like to enter the workforce after she is in school full time, but because I married and became a parent so young, I never really had a chance to find out who I was and what I wanted to be when I grew up. My husband is 15 years older than I and doesn't understand, as he had the opportunity to discover who he was before he had a family. I love them all dearly, but I want to make myself a priority. I guess I am asking you how I figure out who I am when I have the responsibilities of being a wife and mother. I do want to do something with my life. — Searching

Dear Search: I would take stock of what your interests are. What kind of job do you think would be fun and rewarding? If you really have no inkling of the line of work that would feel right for you, there are career counselors who help you figure things out with aptitude tests. Given your situation now, with one very young child, you might want to consider a shared or part-time job once you've found a stimulating field. I'm sure it will be satisfying when you enlarge your life. Good luck. — Margo, vocationally

Not as Odd a Duck as He Thinks

Dear Margo: I am a 21-year-old male who has come to terms with the fact that I am asexual. I have no interest in either sex and, for the most part, don't mind it. However, my family seems to have an extremely difficult time accepting that I don't want to go out and "fool around" with women.

I find it incomprehensible and unfair to go out with a woman and not be able to return her feelings for me, if such were to arise. Aside from this, I am also confused about my thoughts of the future. I continue dreaming of having a family with children, but if I don't hold a desire to be with either sex, is it even possible? — Internally Perplexed

Dear In: To be asexual is not as uncommon as many people imagine. A certain number of people are neutral about many things ... hence there are people who are amoral, indifferent to religion, etc. Linguistically, to be "a" anything means "to be without." For whatever reason, you are missing the sexual pull toward either gender. If you want to better understand your stance, you might wish to raise the subject with a psychologist. Regarding your family, I suspect they will have a tough time comprehending your emotional makeup, it being foreign to them, so just make the statement that, so far, you've not met anyone who interests you enough to pursue. As for your thoughts about the future, your dream of a family with children is not out of reach. It is possible you could meet an asexual woman, for whom you feel friendship, who also wants children. There is the additional possibility of being a single parent. I hope you do not beat yourself up about feeling "different." I'll bet there are those who've experienced such sexual Sturm und Drang that your life would seem enviable. — Margo, individually

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.

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I hope LW1 takes a good look at daycare. I found out the hard way that it is actually pretty expensive for both people to work these days. It was costing me half of my paycheck for my son to have daycare while I was working. And my sons daycare was partially subsidized because he is developmentally disabled. I eventually decided it was cheaper to be home when he got out of school. It is one of the many things she and her husband should consider before heading back to work.

Comment: #1
Posted by: Datura
Fri May 15, 2009 6:34 AM

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Regarding LW2: Some people are asexual, and they should, of course, be left alone to be who they are. However, since LW2 is conflicted, and wants to have a family one day, perhaps he should think about having a comprehensive physical exam. He may have just low hormone production, and he may be fine with that. On the other hand, several conditions, including slow growing pituitary tumors and depression, can cause a loss of sexual desire, and it's worth making sure there are no underlying medical concerns. I believe that, in the overwhelming majority of cases, sexual orientation is biological and immutable. However, a very small percentage of people who identify as gay may really be straight, but their sexuality may have been warped by abuse or exploitation. And I think we all realize that a larger percentage who identify as straight should really be gay, but their sexuality has been warped by abuse or harsh societal condemnation of homosexuality. So it is possible that a past unpleasant experience has shut off LW2's sexual desire switch. If LW2 explores these possibilities and is satisfied that he's just a healthy, normal "a," then he, and everyone else, should be OK with that, and he can pursue a loving relationship with a similarly inclined man or woman, as well as his myriad options for having children.

Comment: #2
Posted by: Carla
Fri May 15, 2009 8:04 AM

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To Searching: I assume, if you became a wife and mother at 19, that you've had little education beyond high school. If I were in your position, I would definitely look into taking some college level courses. These could be scheduled to coincide with your children's school schedule and still allow you to be home when they are. Take some classes in subjects that interest you, and they may lead to a career that you will love.
To Odd Duck: Don't let anyone (society, family, etc.) pressure you into a lifestyle which is unnatural for you. The white-picket-fence thing is not for everyone. If you would like to have a hand in raising children, look into mentoring and/or fostering. There are many children out there who need love and guidance.

Comment: #3
Posted by: Jeanne
Sat May 16, 2009 1:38 AM

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LW1: Please go ahead and think about a career. I agree with Jeanne that you should look to increasing your education. If finances prevent you from taking college courses right now, do get a part time job while the kids are in school and save your paycheck to pay for college courses. You can take them one at a time or even online. I also agree with Margo that seeing a career counselor would be a good first step. An aptitude test would help aim you in the right direction for your college course selection. If your husband can't understand, put it this way: He may not always be able to support the family. Illness and accidents occur. Having a career yourself is actually a good form of insurance that the family will survive such an event. It will also do wonders for your own feelings of self-worth. Your children will grow up and you can't be "number one" to them forever. Once they are out on their own, you may be very lonely on your own all day and may feel it's too late to start looking for a job or career. So start now by making plans or even seeing that career counselor. When your youngest starts school, get out there and look for a part time job. You could even start an online class before your children are all in school.

Comment: #4
Posted by: Pat
Sat May 16, 2009 11:04 AM

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Re: Carla ---- I agree. There is nothing wrong with not getting married or having sexual interests. But before resigning himself to such a life, the young man should certainly have a complete physical and make sure to tell the physican about his lack of sexual interests. There could be a medical reason. Some women complain that their husbands have lost interest in sex and advice columnists usually tell them to have their husband's testosterone levels checked. There could be other reasons as well, but not being a physician, I'm not qualified to say what they could be. If the first doctor doesn't find anything, ask if there is a specialist who deals with this type of problem from a medical, not psychological, perspective. I have no idea, but I'd recommend that all medical avenues be pursued before spending time with a therapist. A therapist can't help if the problem is medical. If nothing medical shows up, then he can see a psychologist if he wants to pursue his dream of a family and children or just go on as he is.

Comment: #5
Posted by: Pat
Sat May 16, 2009 11:13 AM

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The Seven-Year Itch -- To Work

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