Dear Margo: I am a happily married woman with a weird problem: For the first time in the 11 years that I've been with my husband, I find myself attracted to another man. Not just in a physical sense, but in all the ways you find someone attractive.

This man feels the same way, and we have both chosen to back away from our friendship in order to stay true to our respective spouses. I have no wish to be unfaithful, so I need some advice on how to "get over" this guy. We stopped talking/corresponding months ago, but I still have these feelings.

There probably isn't a quick fix, but since I married the first and only man I ever fell in love with, I don't have any experience with this subject. — R.C.

Dear R.: An 11-year marriage is a settled relationship, which is why someone new can seem exciting. In addition, having no experience before you married gives you no comparison benchmark.

It is meaningful that both you and the other man chose to back away from what likely would have blown up two marriages. Perhaps the way to reinforce your decision not to play with fire is to concentrate on your actual life and see if you can bring new commitment to it.

Of course there are no statistics, but the people I've known who ended well-functioning marriages because of romantic expectations about someone new on the scene end up with many regrets. There is much to be said for a deep and abiding history in a marriage. — Margo, realistically

ARRIVEDERCI, ROMA?

Dear Margo: I came to Italy to study over 13 years ago (I was in my mid-20s) and met the man I later married and wanted to grow old with — an Italian, natch. The problem is: I hate Italy.

I live in Rome where chaos reigns, thanks to a lack of civic duty . . . whether it's people butting into hospital lines, triple-parking or honking their horns at all hours. The jobs are few and the salaries (including our own) miserable, yet the cost of living is exorbitant.

We have almost no money in the bank, and our future here looks bleak. It's no wonder population growth is zero percent. No one can afford to have children!

I have made it very clear to my husband, who has the successful fast-track career (I am freelance), that I am slowly going crazy in Rome and am anxious to leave. He has made all the right noises: He's told his superiors that he's willing to be transferred, etc., but he hasn't sent out his resume (though he's been headhunted, which makes it pretty clear that his chances of getting work somewhere else are excellent).

I feel that I have sacrificed more than enough of my life living here for him/us. Can't he return the favor? — Over the Roman Holiday

Dear Ove: Ah, Roma, honking horns and all . . . but, of course, I don't live there. As to whether or not he can return the favor, he can if he so chooses. My own philosophy is that it's about the guy, not the place. And to be fair, you are not living in some fishing village; you are in one of the world's great cities.

On the other hand, if you hate it there, it has to affect the relationship. I am not sure how to balance "our future here looks bleak" with "the successful fast-track career." I also don't know if there was any agreement when you both decided to marry, but this clearly is a subject for serious discussion, perhaps mediation, then resolution. — Margo, globally

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to [email protected]. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.