Dear Margo: I've dated my fiance for the past year and a half. She is 27, and I am 35. When I asked her to marry me, we were in her favorite restaurant. She didn't say yes right away because she said there was a secret she had to tell me to make sure that I still wanted to marry her.

The secret was that she'd been in the adult entertainment business. I figured maybe she stripped while in college. She told me that was not it. We went back to her place, and she explained that she'd made some movies. She pulled out a tape and played it for me. I was totally shocked; my beautiful girlfriend was not what she appeared to be.

We've made love many times, and I could not believe what I was seeing. She is a transsexual. I got up and turned it off so hard I almost knocked the TV over. My girlfriend was crying and through her tears tried to explain that she loves me and only did it for the money to pay for the reassignment surgery. I could not believe what I was hearing.

I screamed at her and called her all kinds of names, which was totally out of character for me. I left and have not talked to her for the past two weeks. She's called several times and left email messages to get together and talk. I am still in love with her. I miss her. But I feel I have been lied to and deceived. Can we have a future together? — Surprised and Deceived

Dear Sur: Oh, my. Talk about sex, lies and videotape. My thoughts about this are perhaps counterintuitive, but here they are. No one would deny that there was lying and deceit. I am sympathetic, however, because I am sure this person had planned to tell you. Then things accelerated, and a good guess is that she just put it off. And note that she did not accept your proposal without 'fessing up.

If you can get over the deception part, you might have a future. I think this because you say you still love and miss your romantic friend of a year and a half. It is so hard to find intellectual and sexual compatibility — which you had apparently found. The key would be counseling to determine what the real issues are for you and whether you can overcome the misrepresentation and the baggage of her history. — Margo, introspectively

Of Headlines and Nosy People

Dear Margo: Unfortunately, a family member was the perpetrator of a bizarre and unsettling crime. Our familial tie is not immediate, as we do not share the same name. But because the event received a great deal of notoriety, it was not long before even the most casual acquaintance made the connection and wanted to know whether so-and-so is really my family member.

I don't mind that. What is uncomfortable is when the person then waits for me to share my feelings. Well, how I feel, be it embarrassment, anger, shock, shame, grief or confusion, is no one's business. When I am confronted in this way, I feel like I have to respond, because if I don't make a big show of denouncing "the black sheep," I will seem protective of that person.

Could you help me with a response that acknowledges the family link but politely distances me from the events that I know nothing about? Thanks. — E.R.

Dear E.: People sometimes say dumb things or ask inappropriate questions because they simply are not thinking or are rattled. I have done it. In your situation, you might respond that X is a distant relative with whom you've had infrequent contact. Then add that you know what the questioner knows: what you read in the paper. Over and out. — Margo, briskly

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. To learn more about Margo Howard or to read features by other writers, visit creators.com.