Dear Margo: My wife and I have been married for 18 years. We have an 18-year-old daughter together, and my wife has a 22-year-old daughter by someone else.

The stepdaughter and I get along reasonably well. Last year she decided a black man was her choice for a partner. They moved in together in an apartment, but due to her new boyfriend getting fired from each of the many jobs he's had over the past year, she can't afford to live there anymore.

My wife broke the news to me a week or so ago that they are moving in with us. I told her I have no problem with the stepdaughter moving in, but the boyfriend does not come with her. (Yes, I have a problem with interracial relationships.)

We ended up in a huge argument, my wife saying the two of them are together and we can't separate them. During the course of the argument, I told my wife that if "he" moves in, I move out. She said: "Fine, my daughter comes before you do."

Am I supposed to let a 22-year-old stepdaughter and her non-working black boyfriend just move into my house? How can I stop this from ruining an 18-year marriage? I love my wife, but I can't support this decision, and she obviously doesn't care about me or my opinion. Please help! — Shocked in Ohio

Dear Shock: This is an advice column, not a diversity workshop, so I am going to skip any lecture about intolerance. The real issue here is that a child who has reached her majority does not get to move back home with an unemployed boyfriend.

The boyfriend-in-residence would be, in this case, not only divisive but not good "public policy," as it were. I think a couples counselor might be able to help your wife think clearly about this . . . and you need to lay off the racial aspect.

Parents do not owe young adult children room and board so they can "be together." That is what earning a living and apartments are for. — Margo, rationally

The More the Merrier

Dear Margo: I am in my late 20s and began an affair with a man who had a girlfriend. We have been seeing each other for almost 18 months. He has not left his girlfriend because he has a child with her.

Before we began anything, we were friends. We tell each other everything. I know he has cheated before, and I know he has been with other women besides me.

My question is, can people define trust differently? I know most people would not trust him after knowing he has cheated before, but in my mind, as long as I know he is telling me everything, including that he slept with someone else, I trust him.

Am I being naive, or can people trust differently? — R.N.

Dear R.: Well, yes. I would say that you trust differently. You trust this man to tell you what he's up to, whereas many other women — me included — would define trust as having faith that the man in your life was being . . . well, faithful.

Let's put it this way: As long as this setup is OK with you, it's OK with me. There may come a time, however, when you decide you have redefined trust and Romeo's wanderings become problematic. And of course you know where to find me. — Margo, individually

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to [email protected]. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.