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Afraid of Little Girls
Dear Margo: Between the ages of 6 and 10, I was severely bullied, but I was given the impression by grownups that such behavior was perfectly normal for children and I shouldn't be so sensitive. (I now realize they probably did not pay attention to …Read more.
Every Problem Does Not Have a Solution
Dear Margo: Many years ago, I got a call informing me that my son was arrested and being held on $1 million bail. That was when I first learned that he is a pedophile.
He has just completed his 20-year prison sentence, and during that time I learned …Read more.
When You Live on a One-Way Street
Dear Margo: My patience has run out with the three living members of my family. My father, his mother and my brother have gone through periods of not talking to each other or to me. My brother wants nothing to do with my father or our grandmother, …Read more.
People Don't Have To "Get Over" Everything
Dear Margo: Twenty years ago, I lost my job and couldn't find another one. My savings ran out, and bit by bit, I hocked everything until I was left with only the clothes on my back. My mother had a three-bedroom house, but she was dating for the …Read more.
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Dreams of "What If?"
Dear Margo: I'm a 20-something woman engaged to the best man I've ever known. I am beyond ecstatic to be getting married. My problem has nothing to do with him and everything to do with a guy who was one of my best friends in college. This guy and I were close all through school, and even though I had an instant attraction to him that never faded, we were always just friends. I sometimes, however, got the sense that there was something going on between us, and I certainly wouldn't have minded if he had shown an interest.
I haven't spoken to him recently, but we live somewhat near each other and are on friendly terms. There are only a few months before my wedding, but instead of dreaming of my fiance, I find myself dreaming of this college crush, mostly scenes involving him making moves on me, e.g., leaning in for a steamy kiss, but never anything more than that. This dream has occurred several times in the past two weeks. What does this mean, and what do I do?! — Dreaming Bride-To-Be
Dear Dream: Nothing, and nothing. The meaning of the dreams most likely has to do with "What if?" It is normal to be curious about situations that were never realized and quite common to wonder about the one who got away. Don't faint, but married couples often fantasize about other people. The thing to remember is that you can think anything without being a bad person. I suggest you regard the dreams as your subconscious dealing with what you likely regard as unfinished business, and that you not be spooked or feel disloyal. What puts my mind at ease, on your behalf, is that you write that your intended is "the best man I've ever known." If we are lucky, cupcake, those are the ones we marry. — Margo, normally
When Straight and Gay Behavior Should Be the Same
Dear Margo: Our 22-year-old son recently told us he is gay. We are supportive and told him we love him and are aware of the courage it took for him to tell us. We are concerned, however, because he has met someone online and has expressed a desire to visit him out of state. We feel he should talk to this person by phone or Skype and get some idea of what he's like. He's feeling very alone, as he has not ever been with anyone sexually. We believe he should be very careful. He is very relieved that he no longer has to keep this secret from his loved ones, so we are trying to be supportive of his wishes. — Concerned for His Safety
Dear Con: How wonderful that you could receive your son's news with such equanimity. Your response to his "news" should make it all the easier — and more comfortable — to tell him this kind of introduction is not what he should be doing. And you might add that if he were your 22-year-old daughter, you would be saying the same thing. Even the dating sites suggest meeting in a public place, which would put the kibosh on traveling to another state to meet a stranger — even in a Starbucks, which I doubt would be the case, anyway. Suggest he invite the young man to visit him and relay the information that his parents would be more comfortable that way. — Margo, carefully
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via the online form at www.creators.com/dearmargo. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2012 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM
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5 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1--It's perfectly normal, especially when faced with life changing milestones, to dream up as it were, all sorts of scenarios about paths not taken, important life decisions, etc. Your dreaming of your college crush is perfectly normal and not to be ashamed of. In fact, most if not all people fantasize about people to whom they're attracted and what it would be like to be with them, without ever acting upon the fantasy. In other words, sweet dreams!
LW2--Speaking from experience, I would strongly caution against meeting someone out of state whom one has never met in real life. Young gay people are very, very lonely and they believe that nobody understands what they're going through. The Internet has become a place of salvation; a place where young confused gay people can meet other gay people. There are people out there who prey upon the young and naive. My guess is that whomever the LW's son has been chatting up has said all the right things. My guess is that the LW's son would be staying with this person when he arrives which psychologically creates several immediate problems. If there isn't an instant love connection, then the LW's son will likely feel disappointed but obligated to stick it out for the remainder of the trip. Since he'll be staying with the person he came to meet, it could lead to him submitting to sexual advances because he feels guilty about the lack of love connection or the room and board. In any case, the LW needs to stress to her son the importance of always, ALWAYS using condoms and avoiding unsafe sexual behaviors. She also needs to stress and instruct on safe ways to meet people. There have been several high profile cases in recent decades about predators who preyed on young gay men whom they lured into the night and were never seen again.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Chris
Sat May 26, 2012 6:11 AM
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LW1 -
I dunno, man... Daydreaming is one thing, but recurrent actual dreams ought not to be dismissed.
The recurrent dreams may be your subconscious trying to tell you that you are not ready to marry, and/or that you don't love your fiance as much or in the same way you believe he deserves.
And when I re-read your letter... "Engaged to the best man I've ever known" and " beyond ecstatic to be getting married" sound a bit hyperbolic to me, and like you're trying to convince yourself. It may be that you have somehow "talked yourself" into loving him because you can quite see he is a worthy man, but that, deep down inside... you're not that much into him - the care is there, but not the spark.
There is more to this and I suggest you start exploring it real fast. A counsellor can help you sort through conflicting emotions. Go alone - your fiance doesn't need to know about this at this point. It could be just a case of cold feet, and you do not need to shatter his trust by letting him know that you're fantasising about another man.
LW2 -
Whether it be in a hetero or gay setting, NO ONE should rush out of state to meet someone he never even spoke to over the phone. What he'll meet in person could be extremely different than what he engaged with online - and potentially dangerous.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat May 26, 2012 8:22 AM
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LW1: Since these dreams are recurring that disturb you, perhaps you could suggest to your subconscious that you allow yourself to continue the dream beyond the steamy kiss, rather than waking up immediately or shifting to another subject, to see your reaction in the dream. Are you an eager participant, looking forward to more? Or after the kiss, do you feel the awful, pressing realization that you now are responsible for having to wound someone deeply -- either the college crush or your fiance?
LW2: Totally agree with everyone about the precautions. One more thing that was implied but not stated, and might need to be spelled out for LW's naive son: If he visits someone out of state, he is at the mercy of someone he has never met FTF. "Yes, it's true, Son, that this guy probably isn't evil -- but then, who ever thinks they're going to meet someone who is? Precautions are SMART. So one precaution is to insist that this person visit you HERE, on your territory, where you have family and friends and know what areas are safe and what are not. You don't, can't know that in an area not your own."
Comment: #3
Posted by: hedgehog
Sat May 26, 2012 9:07 AM
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LW1: You're in your twenties marrying the best "man" you've ever known. Huh? You're just a baby - what's the rush to marry? And he's barely a man and not done growing. I don't get this rush to settle so early in life before you know who you are. It's ridiculous. No wonder the divorce rate is so high.
LW2: Do you people live in the boondocks? Is it a gay free zone? I can't imagine there is no where your son can go locally to meet other gays. You should be worried about your son that he's not comfortable being gay and right now he's primed for victimhood. Get him some therapy and get him to a gay bar or something.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Diana
Sat May 26, 2012 12:22 PM
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LW1: It could simply be natural "cold feet", or what Margo suggests, pondering the road not taken. What you should not do, though, is get married if there's any chance these daydreams are more than that. Talk it out with a counselor of some sort -- a trusted friend, a pastor, a therapist. Just be sure, because you are still young, and there's no need to rush into anything if there's any reason to hesitate.
LW2: A 22-year-old may be a recent college graduate, back at home and trying to start a life -- otherwise, if he were still in college or pursuing an advanced degree, that's always a great place to meet other gay people. So, I'll assume that he's living at home and no longer in school, and that home is in a relatively suburban or rural area, or in a "red state" where there isn't a lot of support or incentive to be young and "out of the closet".
Despite all of that, though, *we are everywhere*, so there's probably plenty of gay kids his own age far closer -- he just doesn't realize it yet.
Gay or straight, there is a danger to being young and inexperienced and relying solely on the internet to find people, especially when you have to travel out of state just to meet them. Caution is definitely recommended in this case, and he should meet somewhere halfway between them, for a lunch date, and after the lunch is over returns right home.
No one should ever plan on spending the night with someone they've only met on the internet, for the first time they meet.
I think it's okay for the parents to encourage him to meet this guy under controlled circumstances -- if they simply forbid it, he's likely to chafe and rebel -- he is 22, after all, and isn't legally under their jurisdiction anymore.
But they should also find ways to get him involved in activities or nearby places where he's more likely to meet gay men. If there are no gay bars nearby, there are still plenty of places or things to do that will increase his chances. (And it would be good for him to find a gay friend or two, as well, rather than just looking for dates).
Comment: #5
Posted by: Mike H
Sat May 26, 2012 7:34 PM
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