Dear Margo: My husband, our children and I recently moved to a new town. Through the children, really, I've met a group of women. They apparently are longtime friends, and one of them invited me to their Wednesday mothers group for lunch. I have to say, they were being kind of snippy to me, challenging things I said, and no one seemed welcoming or simpatico at all. I almost didn't trust my own judgment because I was thinking: If they didn't like me, why bother to invite me over? It almost felt like bullying — which I thought only happened to children. Can there even be grownup "mean girls"? I hope you don't think, reading this, that I am hypersensitive or even making things up. — New Girl in Town
Dear New: Actually, I don't. And yes, there can, indeed, be "grownup mean girls." As with children, "the new kid" is often targeted. It happened to me when I was in early middle age and moved to a new city.
I became friendly with a woman who was a neighbor. She invited me to go to a spa with her and some good friends. I thought that would be wonderful — never having traveled with women before. Well, it wasn't wonderful, and for reasons unknown to me, they seemed to be going out of their way to make me uncomfortable — especially my neighbor. At one dinner, things were so bad that I left the table, went to the ladies room and threw up. Like you, I thought: Why did they even bother to invite me? Then I saw on the spa literature that a group got 10 percent off for every new person they brought. I wondered why they hadn't invited someone they liked to get the discount.
In any case, this is all by way of letting you know that the problem is not you; they are the problem. The reasons can be cliquishness, envy ... or perhaps they really are just mean girls.
It is a fact that some people are cruel without even knowing why. — Margo, discerning
When Lost Is Found...
Dear Margo: In 1965, my uncle gave up his son for adoption. His sister knew about the baby, but my dad, as the youngest, didn't find out until my uncle died a few years ago. My uncle ended up getting married and having two other children who don't know about their brother. My uncle's sister and his biological son (her nephew) found each other on Facebook, and she wants to let my other cousins know that they have an older brother they have never met.
I agree that my cousins should have the opportunity to meet their brother, especially since he has posted publicly on Facebook that he is searching for his siblings and has already lost the chance to meet his biological father. I think my aunt should give my cousin his siblings' phone numbers, or at least full names, so he can do with the information as he pleases.
My mom feels we should respect my uncle's wishes that his wife and children never find out about his firstborn son. My dad thinks my grandma (my uncle's mother) should be the one to tell my cousins about their older brother, and my brother just wants us to stay out of it. What do you think should be done in this situation? — Biological Cousin in Northern California
Dear Bio: Your uncle is gone, and the cat's already out of the bag, if you'll excuse that analogy in this context. The connection has been made, if only to a limited degree — although your family seems to know. I agree with your brother that the rest of you should stay out of it and let your late uncle's sister decide who should know what. They were siblings, after all. Now, don't you feel relieved? All the rest of you can mind your own business and not have to second-guess yourselves. — Margo, carefully
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via the online form at www.creators.com/dearmargo. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2012 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM
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9 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1: You say "It almost felt like bullying — which I thought only happened to children. Can there even be grownup "mean girls"?
Yes, LW1. Definately. Sometimes they exist at your job, sometimes they exist at your church, sometimes they exist online. What do you do about them?
You refuse to go along with their pack mentality. Why do they only really have the guts to attack you when they know they have other women (and sometimes men) on their side? Because they are basically cowards. You direct your responses to them head on, one on one, and refuse to be taken in by their juvenile tactics of name calling and pack abuse. If they are completely beyond help, you ignore them completely. They don't deserve your time.
My advice to you is to thank the person that offered you the invitation to lunch, and respond with a one on one lunch. Generally, these types of women (and men) are better when you get to know them personally, they are human after all, but once they get in a group, they can turn into 7th graders.
LW2: At this point in our history, it's not going to be too shocking for a 40 something sibling to learn that Dad had sowed some wild oats. In my opinion, it would be better for everyone to know the truth. They will find out about it anyway. And it's better coming from family than some anonymous facebook request. A family meeting should be called and the air cleared before deciding how to approach the adopted child.
Comment: #1
Posted by: nanchan
Thu Feb 9, 2012 9:39 PM
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LW1: In all the years you've been alive have you ever met a happy healthy human? Me neither so your question is kind of silly. If you really look at people you'll notice most grow old not up. It's sad and pathetic but true.
LW2: I'm confused as to why you and your immediate family are even in this discussion. It's none of your business. It's also pretty crappy of your mother to think the first born son should be kept secret. You should really give some thought as to what she's hiding because I bet it's pretty scandalous.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Diana
Thu Feb 9, 2012 11:43 PM
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LW1--"It almost felt like bullying — which I thought only happened to children. Can there even be grownup "mean girls"?" Absolutely! Little wolf packs of young mothers are among the meanest, cattiest of people. I've observed them gather at playgrounds or their kids' schools to single out the weakest of the young mothers. It's not different than the cheer leading squad in many small high schools. They will passive aggressively circle in, waiting for the right opportunity to pick their chosen victim to pieces. These women had planned a sporting day at the hunting range when they invited you into their circle under the guise of friendship. You've learned your lesson and survived to tell the tale. Next time one of these witches tries to lull you into a false sense of security with a "friendly" invitation to join their little group, smile and say "No Thanks!"
LW2--Personally, I subscribe to the school of thought that some people don't wish to be found. Before handing out phone numbers to a perfect stranger, make sure you get the permission of the people involved. Some people don't take kindly to having their ideas and memories of who their family is upended by the intrusion into their lives of a secret relative, etc. Your Aunt needs to understand that contrary to popular belief, people don't have a "right" to know their biological families; that's a myth perpetrated by the media under the guise of finding out medical history. If some of your cousins or other extended family members aren't interested in meeting a long-lost biological relative, then kindly respect their wishes.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Chris
Fri Feb 10, 2012 3:58 AM
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L1- I'm interested in Margo's old neighbor and her friends. Did she ever confront them or speak to her neighbor again?
Comment: #4
Posted by: Renee J
Fri Feb 10, 2012 5:39 AM
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Re: Diana
"In all the years you've been alive have you ever met a happy healthy human? Me neither so your question is kind of silly." Seriously? You've never met a happy, healthy human?? I have met many and am honored that most of my friends and family fall into that catagory.
I fee really sorry for you!
Comment: #5
Posted by: nanchan
Fri Feb 10, 2012 6:01 AM
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Re: Diana
I'm with nanchan. I've met quite a few happy, healthy humans. They're out there, along with the full spectrum of people and personalities. Look on the bright side, and before you ask, yes, there is one. You have to choose it. Good luck
Comment: #6
Posted by: andrewj
Fri Feb 10, 2012 6:17 AM
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Where was the mother in this senerio of giving the child up for adoption? Unless she died or he gave up his parental rights to her, it wasn't his choice alone. I know that I would be curious about a half-sibling and would want to meet them. Just my feelings. Who does it hurt to bring in another family member? Oh wait, what am I saying? I read the advice columns and should know better. On the other hand he could be Bill Gates and everybody sings a happy song. (Bill Gates was the best person I could think of, nobody could say anything bad about Bill!)
Comment: #7
Posted by: Penny
Fri Feb 10, 2012 6:27 AM
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Re: LW1, the only thing I would suggest that's any different from other observations (as in, yes, of course, adults can be mean and bullying too) is to just make sure the LW wasn't herself being overly sensitive.
If this was a long-time group of good friends, its entirely possible that they have many in-jokes, old jokes, and that they enjoy ribbing that seems cruel on the face of it but is actually affectionate in reality. And that you, as the new girl, may have undergone a bit of a hazing that bewildered you if this type of interaction isn't familiar, but wasn't meant with malice.
Note that I think your instincts are probably right -- that they were mean -- but it never hurts to take a moment to reflect if perhaps you were misinterpreting, and it may even be worth it to go to lunch again, but just one-on-one with one of the more sympatico members of the group, and pick her brain. *IF* you want to see if it's worth exploring a friendship with this group, of course.
My closest group of friends has been together continuously since high school, and to an outsider we could, at times, seem frightfully cruel to each other; the reality is that we are all "family of choice" to each other and are closer that most friends ever seem to get.
So, as an outsider to this group, you indeed may be misinterpreting... although the group should have been gentler, if this is the case, because they should have known you wouldn't be privy to their inside jokes.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Mike H
Fri Feb 10, 2012 7:38 AM
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Diana, I have also been privileged to know many "happy healthy people" - sorry about your experience! That doesn't mean that they don't have baggage or sorrows. It means they are strong enough to control their own lives and postive enough to make those lives worth living (and worth loving). Maybe you need a new circle of friends.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Fri Feb 10, 2012 8:16 AM
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